The Darkest Night
by Sakura no Miko
Summary: Subaru Sumeragi seeks the “help” of an infamous healer who gives both life and death to his patients. But instead he learns just how powerful life can be...
1. Part 1

"The Darkest Night" (Part 1)

by Sakura no Miko

Pairing: Subaru/Seishirou

Warnings: Major, major disturbing content involving various forms of suicide/euthanasia, abortion, and outright murder. Worse, actual _sympathy_ and **_glorification_** of such actions. Anyone who values life as a "gift of God" or whatever deity/power you choose should probably stay away from this 'fic. Oh, and character deaths, yaoi, angst…the usual for these two.

Summary: Subaru Sumeragi, grieving the recent loss of his sister, seeks the "help" of an infamous healer who gives both life and death to his patients. But when he is unexpectedly denied his death wish, he starts to realize just how powerful life—and death—can really be.

Disclaimer: If any fan in the entire world owned Subaru and Seishirou except the members of CLAMP, they'd actually get over themselves and have a happy ending.

…

So, no, only CLAMP owns them.

* * *

It was cold. 

Achingly cold. Snowing. A wet, windy winter. Every possible reason for it to become colder happened. For a normal boy, it would have meant death.

But Subaru Sumeragi was not a normal boy. He was hardly sixteen, but his face was filled with dark lines, and his lips never smiled. The cold was nothing to him, for he held an even colder heart within him—a heart that could not feel heat if it were thrown into boiling water.

It hadn't always been that way, of course. No, like every grieving hero, Subaru had once loved—loved so deeply and with such passion that it seemed he'd never know sadness. He loved too much. He loved every person as if he could feel their pain, see their darkened, heavy hearts. And so, everyone had come to love him as well.

But above them all, there was _her_.

He dared not speak her name, not anymore. His tears would surely freeze, locking him in place on this snowy road, a monument to grief for all eternity.

She, whom he'd loved as she were not another person, but a part of himself, a piece of his flesh, his bone, his very heart that had somehow broken free and claimed its own life.

But perhaps that was true. After all, who could be closer to one another than twins? His twin. His sister who was more of him, and he more of her, than humanly possible. He couldn't even look at himself without seeing her face. His flesh was her flesh; his only thoughts, thoughts of her; his life…without her…

…wasn't really life at all.

He wondered if she'd known it was going to happen. If she'd looked at him, that last time, knowing they would never meet again. Had she known…could she have known…

…and if she had, why had she chosen _him_, instead of her brother?

That hurt more than anything else. _He_ killed her, Subaru wanted to think, but he couldn't. No, it wasn't anyone's fault. These things happen. They happen all the time.

He still remembered the day she told him. How much she loved him, that child-like man with such long, flowing hair. He could barely walk, when she met him. But he could speak. He could cry. He could hope.

And that drew them closer together than anything else might have. It drew them past the quarrels of their families over wealth and power, privilege and ability. Drew them away from the inevitable suffering to come. Drew them into their own world of joy and love, where no one else could reach them.

They eloped, almost immediately, without a word. And she only returned that one time, seeking forgiveness from the family that would never look on her again. He wouldn't live long, they whispered behind her back. No power or wealth would see him live past his twentieth year. She was a fool, to throw away her life to him.

And even he, even her own brother, spurned her away, out of jealousy and anger and…he didn't know what. It was his fault, all of it. His fault he turned her away. His fault he lost her. His fault he never tried to find her…

…until it was too late.

The letter was short, simple. In the end, it had not been his fate to die. No…it was hers. Her, and the child she carried inside her. Too young. Too cold a winter. Too far away from the doctors, the medicines. Too far from the wealth, the family that might have cared for her. Too little. Too late.

The year had been Hell, from the icy day he'd first read those words—_She's dead…died in childbirth…nothing could be done…_—to the first spring of watching the life bloom without her joyous presence beside him; to the sweltering summer with none of her antics to distract him; to the dying fall, reminding him of her lying, motionless, in the ground; to the winter, when he'd finally, finally given up any hope of ever finding peace again.

And here he was, snow piling high, unable to cry or whisper her name.

* * *

Subaru had never listened to rumors. However, as he found himself home more and more often, he began to find that the dreary days of staring lifelessly into the surrounding lands, mourning endlessly, were broken, quite against his will, by the chattering, bird-like, of the many servants of the house. 

The first time, he'd been livid. They spoke of her, always of her. Her childhood, her personality, her warmth and kindness. That never lasted long. The whispers always drifted to her disappearance. The darker, elder servants whispered that, surely, the babe had been born too soon—a sure sign of why the "happy couple" had run off on their own.

Subaru threw them out, cursed them and their descendants, and refused their pleas for forgiveness.

But, as the days wore on, the words drifted. The family to the north—they were expecting a child, soon. The baker was reducing his prices. Visitors from the next town were due to arrive within the fortnight. Foolish tidings, really.

Then…then he heard it. On the last day of fall, when the last leaf fell from the last tree, and the first snowflakes were just starting to form, he heard the words that had brought him to this lost and lonely place.

A suicide. Some boy from another family, fallen on hard times. Not unusual, that type of news, not at all. But…

It was the way he did it that caught Subaru's attention.

Or, rather, the way he didn't do it.

Because he didn't kill himself. Someone else did. A healer. Ironic, that part. A healer, bringing death. It almost brought a smile to Subaru's lips.

There it was. That was the answer.

* * *

Here he was, in the wet, cold snow, more dead than alive. But he was so close, so very, very close. He had to keep going. He had to find that man, that healer who would set him free from the terrible pain. That's what healers did, right? 

A little longer, he told himself. The situation was all his fault, anyway. If he'd given any thought to how he was going to meet this healer, how he was going to travel, to pay, to do everything he'd need to do, instead of just running off without so much as a name…

But he was close, he was sure of it. This man—he was by no means a stranger to the townspeople, even as far away as Subaru lived. He was…infamous. To some, he was no less than a monster. To others, a savior. They knew. Everyone knew him, and exactly what he was doing.

No one would stop him. Murderer—and even that title was questionable—or not, he was still the greatest healer in the lands. Who knew if it would next be their child, or their beloved, sick and needing the healing only he could give? A few deaths here and there seemed a small price to pay.

Subaru would have been horrified as well, not all that long ago. Her death changed him, though. Perhaps not completely—for he'd never have thought of ending his life on his own—but enough that, when he envisioned what he meant to ask this healer, he voice didn't waver, and he felt no regrets.

"Kill me," he whispered experimentally. Would it be that simple? He tried not to think about it. The act itself was meaningless. But…seeing her face again…

He smiled, his legs buckling, and slid to the ground. Gods, he missed her. They'd never been apart for such a long time. Everything seemed dull without her brightness, her joy, her desire to live every day to the fullest.

Maybe…the world had never truly been as bright as he remembered. Maybe it was her, changing his senses, shifting and adding, making everything something more than it could ever be on its own.

And maybe she changed him, too.

So there wasn't really anything wrong. He'd gone back to how he was meant to be—cold, and dull, an ugly and empty husk without anything warm or happy to fill him. Back to life without her. Not that it really…was a life.

He never smiled with his lips, but his eyes shone in a way that they hadn't before Maybe he never stopped smiling, after all.

It was perfect. He was so close. Just keep moving, inch by inch, step by step, and it will all come to fruition, he told himself.

He sighed, and began to shuffle forward again, though the slush and ice, his feet adjusting to their perpetual numbness.

* * *

The dwelling wasn't what he'd expected. Small, traditional—two buildings, really. A small, neat home, and the larger "hospital." He could see the flicker of candles within the dwelling, but the larger building was curiously dark. Perhaps the snow had prevented any others from making the journey. 

Twisted, bare trees surrounded the entire place. In the spring, Subaru mused, they must have been beautiful. But now, they were empty in the winter's embrace.

Clumsy. He was so clumsy, and it felt alien to him. The coldness invaded his limbs, making them feel strange and heavy. He could walk, just barely, just enough to pull himself to the door, craving the light within. He felt a strange sympathy for the insects he'd seen as a child, drawn to their deaths in the fire.

All he needed to do was knock…

The door opened silently before he could raise his hand. He breathed a sigh of relief. He needed that remaining strength of his to continue standing.

It was hard to focus on the man who opened the door, but Subaru was certain—it had to be him. He leaned against the doorpost, grateful for the extra support. The snow began to fall anew, and he shivered, surprised that he could still feel their coldness.

The man looked at him, silent. He finally extended a hand out. Subaru took a shaky step forward, just close enough to grab that had, warmer than his.

"You seem strong enough," the man whispered. It wasn't the voice Subaru would have thought a murderer had. Dark, yes, and deep—but not without the warmth, the comfort he'd heard in every healer's voice he'd ever known.

"…" His voice froze in is throat. The words, so carefully crafted, whispered to the shadows and the snow, refused to come out, here when he needed them.

The man stepped forward, half-shadowed, but half-illuminated as well. Handsome, Subaru thought immediately. Not that much older than him. Mature features, but not without a youthful sort of expression. He was almost laughing, in that way that an older person might laugh at the antics of a child playing, or a blushing youth declaring his first stirrings of love.

He felt…peaceful. Not at all like a stranger, much less a murderer.

Subaru felt safe, secure. His muscles slowly began to warm up. "…please," he managed, his voice far too soft.

"Please what?" He could hear the laughter, now, the laughter that seemed to permeate the man's very being.

"Please kill me."

The words echoed, as if they were trapped, wafting in the air, unable to find the safety of the ground.

"And why do you think _I_ could grant this request?" Subaru was jerked forward, well into the house, and the door shut behind him. He smiled—but it was a smile full of that laughter, that black, mocking laughter.

"They say you…you…" Subaru managed to stammer, his throat slowly beginning to warm and work again.

"I'm sure _they_ say many things," the man said softly, elegantly showing his disinterest, his patience with what was surely a common occurrence. No, Subaru wanted to cry. No, don't let it be a lie.

But even as the thought tormented him, the man was talking, in that soft voice. "Humans…so weak, so frail. The slightest breeze of pain or sorrow knocks them down. And they come crawling to me to make it better." The bitter humor in his voice didn't sound as cold, as detached as Subaru would have thought. It almost sounded…warm. Comforting. Like the gentle correction of a parent to a child, teaching them the truth beyond the lies.

The man spoke again. "Let me guess. A beautiful angel, too beautiful for the Earth, broke your heart."

And Subaru felt no pain as he whispered back. "She's dead." A sort of numbness settled over him, making everything feel distant. The man's firm hand, holding his own tightly, felt no more real to him than the hazy memories of happiness, or the icy chill of his wet garments.

"Just like the rest," he said. His face was suddenly very close, and a strange sensation washed over Subaru's form, almost frozen from weariness and chill. He couldn't quite remember it, this sensation, but…it felt so pleasant, so familiar.

"I'll give you anything you want," the boy gasped out. No response. "Kill me?" he repeated meekly, unable to make the words as calm and steady as he would have wanted. Instead, a question, a plea, escaped his lips.

A chuckle. "Anything? An impressive offer, little one." His other hand drifted underneath Subaru's chin, tilting his face up. "I have no need of money, nor do I covet anything. What can you give me?"

No, Subaru almost screamed, almost choked, almost…

The hot tears began to flow down his face, unwanted, and he thought, for an instant, that he truly would freeze in place, trapped, unchanging, forever. Lost in his pain…for all eternity…

The man laughed again, never letting Subaru look away. Such brown eyes, Subaru noticed through the tears. His face seemed to shimmer, a strange effect of tears and candlelight. An angel of death. A savior.

"Such kind titles," the man whispered, but it sounded horrifying loud. Subaru could not recall speaking, but perhaps he hadn't needed to. "Perhaps there is something you can give me…"

The man—and, oh, Subaru now fervently wished he knew something about him, something that might change his mind or sway him—sank to his knees, bringing Subaru down to the wet floor with him. Stone, covered in snow and water from Subaru's long, dripping clothes. His chill had spread into the house itself.

His strength gave out, and he fell, merging with the coldness, the darkness; a lifeless doll on the cold floor. Was he any different than the stone, the worthless floor that so many had trampled upon? And the tears kept falling, sweeter than the snow, but just as bitter.

"Pretty," that dark, sweet voice said and even it sounded distant. He had not yet said "yes." Subaru began to laugh, a harsh sound that caused his body to hit the black stones painfully. He wasn't even worth killing. He was going to stay here, forever, slowly merging into the stone, the ice, whatever foul element would finally take him and kill him and…

"Surely they have told you what my price is. It's one of their most…imaginative topics." A glimmer of a mocking smile as he spoke._ "_At dawn…at dawn I will grant your wish, boy. But until then, you are mine."

Subaru felt his heart constrict painfully. His tears rained down harder. He couldn't speak, couldn't hear, couldn't feel—it was all so distant, so very distant.

Those strange touches, against his face. What were they?

The hands that made the chilled, soaked fabric hanging from his body disappear…he couldn't feel them.

The sensation of movement—but his legs were motionless. He couldn't remember any other way to move…

And this, this sensation from being put down, neither gently nor roughly, into a bed so soft and so fair against his numb skin…

No, he didn't feel any of it. Neither pain, nor pleasure, nor comfort, nor discomfort…

They blurred together, these tiny movements, these touches. The numbness spread to his other senses, robbing him of sight, of sound, of taste. If he admired the view before him, he could not remember it. If he screamed, he did not hear it. If his mouth enjoyed the sweetness, it was no different than the bitterness.

But something—something gnawed at him, pulling at him from his apathy, his wonderful blankness. A faint memory tugged at him. Something he had once loved, had once craved.

The movements hastened, slowed, then hastened again, before blurring together. Had they changed at all? Or was his mind playing tricks on him again?

Again, that….feeling. Yes, he knew it. He…remembered it. Fire. Sunlight. Blankets, like the ones surrounding him. A body…

He cried out, he thought, when it dawned on him. He was such a fool, forgetting it. How…how could he not recall?

He wasn't moving anymore, he was certain.

The blankets were askew, and he instinctively arched into them, craving the sensation. But he realized, vaguely, that something better lay near him, something he didn't recognize, but wanted with such a passion it caught him off guard. He wanted to touch the body lying besides his...

A strong arm closed around him, and he felt it.

He sighed.

Subaru had finally remembered.

Warmth…

* * *

The words dragged him back from the revelation. It was still dark, and even the candles' flames had vanished. 

"Surely you want to have the rest of the night for yourself?" He could hear the chuckle, with the barest hint of that mocking laughter. Perhaps he had that mocking look in his eyes, as well. "When the sun rises, there will be no more time for regrets, for settling the affairs of the living."

Subaru didn't understand, not at first. But of course—wouldn't his family be terrified, to find him missing? It had been days already, but in weeks, in months…surely they would find out, just as they had for that other boy. And then he would be the new rumor among the servants.

Didn't they leave notes? Wills? Words of consolation?

Did _she_ have any such message?

Subaru clutched the sheet angrily. No. They wouldn't even acknowledge that she was dead. So why should he give them the pleasure of consolation? No one had been there to console him… They were too lost in their wealth, and their power. The ancient and mighty Sumeragi family, who'd turn their own daughter away because she…she loved someone they didn't.

They didn't deserve her love. They wouldn't get his, either.

He closed his eyes, relishing in the warmth he hadn't felt in so long. The cold vanished from his memory. He sighed. It was so warm, so very, very warm, right where he was. "I have no regrets," he whispered simply.

There was no response, not in words. But, now that the icy numbness had begun to melt, he was aware of the small things, the things that had escaped him before. The murderer, the man—for one of the things Subaru had realized, with his wits back, was that he did not know the healer's name—was not moving away as he had expected. He realized, with cold clarity, exactly what he had paid for his death.

He was ashamed, and yet…

Those light, wet touches—they were kisses. That sweet, intense warmth was the warmth of another body, close to his. All that had passed…it was…

It was something worth knowing before he died.

His body craved the warmth, and, as the lack of sleep, the weariness of travel began to catch up with him, he noticed that the man was still there, still next to him…still keeping him warm and giving him a sense of peace.

No, he didn't want to move. There was nothing of life that he wanted more than this.

* * *

Subaru awoke in the middle of absolute chaos. 

His eyes jerked open, suddenly blinded by the bright sunlight, high in the sky. It had been so long since he'd awoken to anything but darkness…when he slept at all.

There was noise everywhere—screaming, shouting, crying. The darkened outline of the room came into sharp clarity in the morning light. The bed trembled beneath him, and he was, quite suddenly, very alone. He hadn't even had enough time to realize that he had woken up with someone else.

His arm was jerked forward roughly. "Clothes," the healer whispered harshly. He tossed a robe—much too large for someone of Subaru's size—to him. And…was that a curse, that low sound that came from the man's mouth?

Dumbfounded, Subaru shrugged the robe on, almost tripping as he stepped from the unfamiliar bed. Vaguely, he realized that it was well past dawn, and yet here he was, breathing and seeing and most certainly alive. He began to recognize the noise—a shrill screaming, and two other voices begging for help.

The healer grabbed him roughly, dragging him through the house and, Subaru realized, in the direction of the medical area. There was a girl—just a child—thrashing wildly upon the floor, her frightened parents trying desperately to calm her enough for the healer to examine her.

"Help them hold her," the man hissed.

Subaru managed, with uncertain steps and shaking hands, to grab the girl firmly around the waist, her parents holding her arms and legs so she could no longer move. But her body trembled and twitched, a sickening sight.

He watched, with a sot of horrified fascination, as the man managed to open her mouth and forced her to swallow a vile-looking mixture. The girl's body began to still, and her eyes drooped. She was asleep.

"Why didn't you give her the medication?" the man asked, his voice cold, a brutal accusation. "I told you there was no other way to control these fits."

"There is no more!" the woman cried, her voice breaking. "We can't…we just can't afford to keep getting it. We can't!"

Her husband stood silent, a look of distress on his face.

"Please, please….have some compassion," the woman continued brokenly.

The healer just shook his head. "It doesn't matter to me," he said in that cold, merciless voice, "what happens to her. You asked for a cure. I gave it to you. Whether or not you use it is your affair."

"N-no! Please," the woman begged, clutching her daughter's prone body towards her. She looked at Subaru with those haunted eyes, and it made him ache.

"I thought you didn't need money," he whispered, but it was still louder than he'd thought his voice would go. An open challenge.

The healer's eyes snapped towards him. His mouth twitched, forming that evil grin he'd seen so often the previous night. "No. But I do need payment."

Subaru's eyes narrowed. Was that supposed to scare him? "_I _will pay," he said defiantly.

The man smiled again. "Then you are willing to…delay our former agreement?"

"Yes." The anger managed to beat the sorrow, as it always did. How could he? The poor child…he didn't care about her at all!

Another flicker of a smile, and he drew out a long sheet of paper from some hidden pocket. Subaru caught it reflexively and opened it, curious. A list. He looked back in confusion.

"If you want to help them so badly," the man said, "you may as well spend the massive amount of time it takes to prepare their medication." He turned, as if he would walk back to the house. "But remember to be back by nightfall. It won't do to make a late payment."

Subaru almost crushed the paper, angry beyond words. Even the servants' disgusting slander against Ho—against his sister hadn't infuriated him so much. But…

"Thank you," the woman said reverently, surprising him from his thoughts. "Thank you so much." She paused, shaking her head, searching for the words. "We will make it up to you, kind boy, we will."

The man, however, looked at him, wordlessly. Finally, he said, in a deep, rough voice, "I've never known anyone to change that man's mind so easily. You'd best watch out. You're playing with fire here."

"I know," Subaru said, a note of defiance in his voice. "I'm not afraid." There was nothing that could hurt him, nothing like her death. Nothing, nothing, nothing.

He looked back at the list. His hands trembled. One day, he told himself, just one more day…

* * *

To be continued… 

Author's note: And to think, this story hasn't even started to get disturbing…

I hope the background wasn't too vague. If you missed it, Hokuto eloped with Kakyou and died having their child about a year before the beginning of the story.

This last scene didn't come out too well. Any advice? Good or bad, tell me what you think.

Oh, but don't get too excited about the next chapters. I'm a very, very slow writer. That's fair warning, right?


	2. Part 2

"The Darkest Night" (Part 2/4)  
by Sakura no Miko

Pairing: Subaru/Seishirou

Warnings: Major, major disturbing content involving various forms of suicide/euthanasia, abortion, and outright murder. Worse, actual _sympathy_ and **_glorification_** of such actions. Anyone who values life as a "gift of God" or whatever deity/power you choose should probably stay away from this 'fic. Oh, and character deaths, yaoi, angst…the usual for these two.

Summary: Subaru Sumeragi, repeatedly denied his death, begins to forget his pain and enjoy the life of a healer.

Disclaimer: Sakura no Miko is not a member of CLAMP. Therefore, she does not own any of its characters.

* * *

Subaru Sumeragi, whose thoughts had, of late, focused on death and dying and the afterlife, found himself in the strange position of fighting for life. Not his own, but the life of another. 

However, his earlier anger had begun to abet, leaving him uncomfortably aware of the fact that he was, against his every desire, still alive. When he cut his fingers trying to slice rare roots, he reminded himself that he would, very soon, be cut by something much deeper. When the finely-powdered leaves he was crushing blew into his face, causing his eyes to water painfully, he thought of his family, shedding false tears whenever some foolish visitor inquired after his sister.

But, at least, he was comforted by the thought of his sister, smiling fondly at him in whatever utopia the souls gained after they died. Or, at least, the sweet oblivion of nothingness, where he would no longer remember her face, her smile.

He had the memory of the little girl whose medicine he was preparing, the joyful look on her parents' faces as he helped them.

Most of all, he had the knowledge that, by dawn the next day, he would be dead. Firmly, completely, and irrevocably dead.

Why it needed to be at dawn, he didn't know. It made sense, he supposed—with all the patients wandering through the day, it would be…inconvenient to kill someone. Who killed in broad daylight, anyway? And the nights…

Subaru blushed slightly. The nights were reserved for something very different. He hadn't minded, not when his thoughts were dulled, his senses numb. Now that he was forced to think about what he had done…

He began stirring the ingredients more vigorously.

The man infuriated him. His constant apathy was revolting. Then again, what else could he expect of a murderer? Subaru wasn't the first to ask for death. And it was this healer who was granting him the wish he couldn't give himself. He didn't have the right to hate the man, did he? How hypocritical.

He'd never been more angry, not even when he'd first realized what his sister planned to do. He'd never gotten over the fact that she left him.

No, that wasn't true, he chided himself. Even if…even if she had asked, and he had gone, what then? Who would she love more? Him or that…that Kakyou Kuzuki, her husband? Who would she stay with longer? Every minute detail would become a battle, a competition, a war. And no one would be the victor.

Still…at least they'd have still been together…

* * *

It did take a long time to prepare the medicine, and by the time it was through, Subaru was thoroughly exhausted. The knife had slipped, the pot had boiled over, and he'd almost ruined the entire mixture. How did the servants manage these ordeals every day? 

It was getting dark, and his body ached. Sleep—he wanted to sleep through all this pain, all these horrible memories, sleep until he woke up and went…went right back to sleep again.

"Here you are."

Subaru twisted around. There he was, that uncaring, unfeeling healer. Subaru glared as best he could, holding the precious flask of medicine tightly, as if the man might take it from him.

"You don't seem happy to see me."

Subaru opened his mouth, then shut it without a word. He didn't have words. How could… His fists clenched. How could he be so different? At one moment, so angelic, and at the next, so devilish. That leering, cold-hearted beast standing in front of him…was the man he'd called savior the previous night.

"They will return in the morning to pick it up."

Confused, Subaru's glare died into a wholly innocent look of utter bewilderment. The healer moved closer to him—too close for comfort, but not so much that he wanted to pull away—and tapped at the slender flask. "Oh," he murmured. The man's hands slid around the flask, gently prying it from Subaru's hands. He watched carefully as the flask was placed on a nearby table.

"I'm surprised you finished it."

He was back to that mocking again. That…that look infuriated Subaru beyond words. "It was my first time," Subaru shot back defiantly. There was something—_something_—about the man that made him so angry, an anger he couldn't reign in, no matter how hard he tried.

"I might have guessed." He took one of Subaru's hands—but so tenderly, so unhurriedly—and drew it towards his face. "These hands are much too soft." His eyes locked to Subaru's. "You're servants must have been quite talented, to keep you from any type of work for so long."

Subaru blushed. He'd never thought about it before, but…it was true. He'd never done anything in his life. He'd even managed to fail in copying the tasks he'd seen—his hands were far too clumsy with a knife, too sensitive for the heat of the stove. He was useless.

"All the more reason," he choked, "for you to hurry up and kill me." His eyes stung. It was bad enough that he ached, ached form his own worthlessness and foolishness. But to have it thrown in his face by this man he loathed… He looked away, desperately—only to find himself staring at _her_ face.

He gasped, a sorry sort of sound. The healer had a large mirror hanging on the wall, and Subaru's tears fell without discretion when he saw his own sorry state—his pale skin, reddened eyes, the stains and marks upon the too-large clothes, and, above all, her features, her face, her, her, _her_ staring back at him with such sorrow in her eyes…

The healer grabbed him roughly, turning him away from the image, thrusting him, pulling him so close, so tight, into a warm embrace. Subaru welcomed the darkness, the warm curves of flesh his face rested against. They didn't speak.

* * *

Another night was passing slowly by. They were awake, and had been for what seemed like such a long time. Alone, and awake, though they still shared the one bed, the only bed in the only bedroom Subaru had seen in the house. 

The blankets were thick and heavy, but Subaru felt cold. That slow, numb sort of ache had subsided, but only just. He wished for the morning to come.

He silently mouthed her name to himself, for the first in what seemed like a long time. Hokuto. Sister. Twin. Dearest, dearest Hokuto. The name brought a smile to his lips, a tear to his eyes, and a soft sigh to his lips.

He felt the healer stir next to him. The man wasn't…he wasn't so bad, when that stupid smirk was off his face. When he wasn't acting so cold and heartless. When he just…was.

The whispered words next to his ears felt nice, however cruel they were. "Was that her name?" the man whispered, slinging an arm low around Subaru's waist. "Ho—"

"Don't say it," Subaru hissed, his hands instinctive reaching to cover his ears.

"So sensitive," the man murmured. "Is it so hard to think of her name, here like this?"

"What are you talking about?" Subaru said back, confused at the sudden coldness.

"Your little lady-love's name. The pretty little dead angel." So cold, that voice. "And here you are, with another man, her name on your lips."

Subaru's eyes widened. "She was my _sister_," he hissed back. "Do you think I'd…I'd do this over some stupid lover?"

Silence. It was uncomfortable, cold, empty. Silence.

"Sorry," Subaru replied after another moment of the painful quiet. "You didn't know." No reply. He hated the quiet so much. "But…" He struggled, trying to keep the anger from his voice. "You shouldn't have said that, even if it were true. I…I'm sure it could…it would…hurt just as much to lose the person you loved."

"I wouldn't know."

Subaru let out a sigh of relief. At least the man was talking to him. "Then you shouldn't judge how I—"

"But I wouldn't be so worked up about a _sister_. Unless, of course," he finished with particular venom, "she were something more to me."

The words stung. "How dare you," Subaru said, shocked. What a sickening thought. He jerked away, his feet touching he cold floor. "My sister…"

"Does it really matter?"

Subaru hadn't expected him to sound like that. Cold, yes, but not…confused. "It matters more than anything," he said back, frozen in place, one foot still firmly on the floor. But he didn't move to take another step. "She was my twin," he continued, trying to explain something he'd always found inexplicable.

"Ah," the man murmured, a sound without emotion, just acknowledgement.

"I've…never been apart from her…until now," Subaru whispered, his voice trembling. "But she left me. She fell in love. She…she…"

Suddenly, he was wrapped up in a strong embrace from behind. "And you need her so much?" whispered near his ear, soft, without a hint of malice or mockery.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because she…she…made me happy. She made me feel whole. She knew me better than anyone else."

"So, you're saying that you need another person to be happy? How weak." The ice was back, unfeeling, uncaring, solder than anything in the world. But the embrace was so comforting, so gentle. Subaru wouldn't have thought it possible to feel such pain and such pleasure…or such a strange mixture of the two.

"Then I'm weak." He was so close to taking that next step, the one that would lead him from that embrace, that warm bed, the strange room and house and…healer. "If I have to be weak to want her back, then I don't care."

No reply, except for an abrupt end to their odd, half-hugging position as the man withdrew back to the other end of the bed. So that was it.

He missed her. He wanted to be with her. And soon, he would be. Why, then, Subaru thought to himself, should he worry about anything else?

* * *

Subaru was, naturally, quite unnerved to awake the next morning with the sunlight blinding him again. It was earlier than he'd arisen the previous morning, but still well after dawn. 

Even more unnerving was the fact that his companion was just as awake, judging from the hint of a smile on his lips as Subaru glared at him. The man opened his eyes slowly, still smiling. "You're angry?"

"Yes!"

"I see," the man murmured. He rose slowly, leaving the room as Subaru stared at him.

Subaru followed him into the kitchen, waiting for some acknowledgement, some apology. Something. Anything.

Instead, the healer—and, gods, Subaru was about ready to kill _him_—drew out a long knife and went to work slicing a bit of bacon and cheese.

"What are you doing?" Subaru asked, anger invading his voice.

"Being as how we're awake, we may as well eat," the man said calmly.

That was it. "Why," Subaru whispered harshly, grabbing the man's arm, "why won't you just kill me, you stupid…healer!"

Before he could react, the man flipped the knife, leaving the deadly blade fearsomely close to Subaru's face. Instinctively, he flinched, taking a shaky step backwards, his breath caught in his throat.

The man drew the blade back. "And you still think you want to die?" he said evenly, his eyes locked to Subaru's. "You're trembling at the very whisper of death."

Subaru stood, eyes wide…and he really was trembling. Not a little, but large, quaking trembles that almost made his legs buckle beneath him.

"You don't have the eyes of a person seeking death." He tipped Subaru's face up, and Subaru's eyes were wet, wide with terror and confusion. "Even when you came here that first night, your eyes were still full of life." Gently, he pushed the boy away, but to Subaru's sensitive nerves, it felt violent. "Go back home. Find someone else to cry to about your precious sister."

"N-no…please…I can't…I won't go back." Subaru felt himself steady, and his voice grew strong again. "Nobody there…none of my family cared about her. About us. They never did."

A soft sigh, and Subaru was reminded again of a parent, stuck looking after a child. "Then go somewhere else." Subaru could almost here him add, 'This isn't a place for children.'

"I'm not a child," he said sullenly, before realizing that it only made him sound more childish.

"I'd rather not force you out."

"Then let me stay." What possessed him to say that, he didn't know. But the words were out, and he felt…something. Some faint glimmer of hope? Some lost desire? He didn't know. "I can…help."

"You've never worked in your life." That stung. At some point, the man had moved, gathering an egg or two from some drawer or cabinet—Subaru had not seen which—and the warm smell of food crept into his nose.

"But I can learn." Subaru added, a moment later, "If you let me."

"And why should I let you?"

It was so much harder to figure out the man's thoughts when they weren't face-to-face. Not that it was much help even when they looked at each other, since the man was so stoic. "I don't know," Subaru admitted, as much to himself as to the healer. "But I…don't have anyplace else to go." No sign, aside from a casual stirring of the eggs. "I want to stay here," he offered finally. "It's so peaceful…"

"Only because you haven't seen this place busy yet. When there are dozens of sick children screaming, people with limbs missing and blood soaking their beds, and—" The man finally looked up, casting a serious look at Subaru, "—bodies changing into corpses, you won't find this place too peaceful."

Subaru shuddered. "But…there will be some people who get better, too, right?"

"Most do."

"Then I'm not scared."

The man gathered up his breakfast and silently sat down. He motioned to the stove, and Subaru looked at the empty appliance in confusion. "If you're hungry," he said finally, "you can make yourself something."

Subaru's eyes lit up. That was as good as a 'yes.' He was hungry. He hadn't eaten since…he didn't even know when. Days, at least. Gingerly, he picked up one of the eggs, and tapped it against the empty bowl the man had used. It didn't break, so he cracked it a little harder and—

He might have cried in frustration. The fragile shell shattered, bits of it flying everywhere.

A small chuckle behind him was the only thing that kept him from flinching when a stronger hand suddenly covered his. "Like this," he said, an almost gentle note to his voice. His hand—their hands—picked up another egg, a new bowl. The healer guided his hands, gently tapping the shell, cracking it slightly. Subaru looked at him, confused. His fingers were gently pushed towards the crack, pulling the shell in half and letting the sweet insides slide out, mercifully free of shell.

"Thank you…." Subaru's voice faded off. He was embarrassed, certainly, but…the healer was such a good teacher. He blushed. He still didn't…

"You can call me Seishirou," the man said. "Seishrou Sakurazuka."

Subaru blushed brightly. "Y-yes."

"No, I apologize," the healer—no, Seishirou, Subaru corrected himself—said, "We never had a proper introduction. I had not realized until you…" He smiled, but it was an odd sort of smile. "You called me 'healer' earlier."

"Oh…um, Subaru." His voice was low. "Subaru…Sumeragi." The name reminded him of his family. He hated it.

Seishirou nodded once. "Now," he said softly, turning towards the stove, "this is how you cook it…"

* * *

Author's note: () Eheheh. I recall having said something about being a slow, writer, but… this is the exception. Geez, if the people waiting for my other stories get wind of this, they'll kill me. 

Just a tiny note: the next part will really be disturbing.


	3. Part 3

"The Darkest Night" (Part 3/4?)  
by Sakura no Miko

Pairing: Subaru/Seishirou

Warnings: Major, major disturbing content involving various forms of suicide/euthanasia, abortion, and outright murder. Worse, actual _sympathy_ and **_glorification_** of such actions. Anyone who values life as a "gift of God" or whatever deity/power you choose should probably stay away from this 'fic. Oh, and character deaths, yaoi, angst…the usual for these two.

Summary: A view of the lives of the two healers.

Disclaimer: Um. What clever quip can I make this time?

Ah. Here we go. In my world, we would say:

"It's raining, it's pouring,

The CLAMP girls are snoring.

They woke up then and all blushed red

'Cuz Sei and Su were snogging."

Until that's true, I can't own these characters.

* * *

Subaru had found, of late, that his life had changed. His mind…his flesh…his heart. This work he'd taken up was changing him, and he didn't know that he'd ever go back to the way he was. Or even if he'd want to go back. 

It was warm—too warm for his tastes. But it would be another fall, soon. And then…winter. Ice, and snow, and long, dark nights.

Not now, though. Now it was high summer, the garden in bloom, the days long and full of work. It was a quiet day, and Subaru was grateful. His hands…still hadn't quite regained their steadiness. Not after that last…the last killing. Seishirou wouldn't even tell him why. He just smiled, that infuriating smile, and told Subaru to keep his mind open.

…yes. The killings were the hardest thing of all to accept.

He'd been alive—_alive_—like this for…nearly two years, wasn't it? He hardly seemed like the wet, wraith-like sixteen-year-old boy he'd been when he arrived. But the pain was still there, whenever he saw something—though the moments had become fewer—that reminded him of her, his Hokuto, his dearest sister.

Four years, that. Four years since he'd been at her side. Three since her death. Two since he chose life, here.

The numbers helped him. Cold, calculating…just like Seishirou's eyes. He'd learned to live with the man, through all his stoicism, all his fits of anger and darkness. They were fewer now, too.

Seishirou Sakurazuka was a strange man. Nothing changed that. In his old life—for that was what he thought of his childhood, now—he would have never liked the man, never trusted him. Never…believed him. He was too cold, too uncaring.

* * *

Seishirou had tried to explain it to him, on a cold night when the snow piled so high they could move far from their home. His mother—and he called her, lovingly, "beautiful," with such softness in his eyes as Subaru had never seen before or since—had also been a healer, and a murderer. Their family had taken such tasks as their own long ago. He tried to explain that he had, from childhood, lived among the dead and dying. 

He didn't lie, and Subaru found that trait his most endearing. Others might have tried to justify their actions. Death is good, and right. A part of nature. The end of suffering. A new plain of existence. Subaru had heard all of them, from desperate or well-wishing victims.

Seishirou said, so blunt, yet so…elegantly, delicately almost, that he simply saw nothing wrong with the killings.

"There will always be another," he'd said, the fire blazing and casting dark shadows on his face. He looked more pensive than usual. "Another child can be born, another husband or wife married. A child will soon take his parent's place. What does it matter if one dies? He'll simply be replaced…forgotten."

"And I…" He'd paused, a movement that, to this day, Subaru found mesmerizing. "I don't see why it's any different than killing a beast, or breaking a plate. No one cares about those things. Why are humans different?"

"It doesn't hurt you?" Subaru whispered back, his breath caught in his throat. His eyes watered, from the heat or the smoke or the conversation. His body had still been small and frail at seventeen.

Seishirou's eyes narrowed, and for a moment, Subaru thought he might have touched some long-lost memory, some empathy, some wisp of humanity. "It hurts to see the flowers fall," he said simply. "They're so…beautiful. I wish they might live forever." His voice was wispy, dreamy almost.

But perhaps Subaru only imagined the words. Seishirou's voice snapped back, cold and harsh and empty. "Why would it hurt me? They're just…flesh. Creatures. Horrible, ugly creature that somehow have the will to keep living long past the end of their days. Humans are simply another animal, living in this world, trying to survive." His face was dark, almost disappearing in the flickering light. "I feel nothing when I kill them. Nothing at all."

* * *

Subaru looked at his hands, taking a moment to enjoy the light breeze. He'd trembled to see Seishirou at work. He truly didn't care. Death was…nothing to him. 

There were so many people who wanted death, for so many reasons.

* * *

The suicides were the easiest to watch. His first…had been a suicide. They all had their own reasons, but Subaru felt glad to see them die, rather than sad. After all, he knew all too well the pain they were feeling. 

But their _eyes_…

Seishirou had been so right. Subaru could remember the very first time a death-seeker had shown up at their home, just after Subaru had taken on his new life. He just stood there, for minutes or hours, however long it took for them to take notice of him.

It was as if he were blind. His eyes stared—there was no other word—vacantly into the distance, past them, past their home, past _life_ itself. They called to him, but he couldn't hear them. It was as if he were blind and deaf and dumb, all at once.

Seishirou was mercifully quick with him. One strike. Clean through the heart.

But when the body slumped over, it was Subaru who leaned over to help move it. He cried, even though he felt a deep sense of satisfaction, of happiness at the gentle passing. He cried as they buried the body, under the gorgeous garden not yet in full bloom. And when Seishirou tried to comfort him, he wept until all the blood was washed away from their hands.

So it wasn't hard, on that day that seemed so far away, when another young man so like himself came and asked boldly for death. The boy smiled sadly as Subaru whispered a quick apology for his inexperience. It wasn't as bad as he'd thought.

"My love, my dearest Hanako," the boy whispered, unmistakably lovesick, unmistakably _happy_. "Thank you so much, kind healer." He died not a moment later, his lover's name on his lips, a peaceful smile on his face.

His hands were so red, Subaru thought. Just like Seishirou's had been. Seishirou had come up to him then. Delicately grabbing Subaru's red hand with his own, so white, checking for any injury, any cause for pain. Subaru had smiled. "It's not my body that hurts," he'd said, those troublesome tears leaking again. He was so happy, so happy to have helped the poor boy…and so agonized in his heart over the brief candle he'd snuffed out. "My heart…" he'd tried to explain, but Seishirou silenced him.

It didn't hurt, but he couldn't stop crying.

* * *

He didn't cry as much now, he realized. Then again, it wasn't as if Seishirou had him kill often. He didn't even watch most of the murders. 

Suicide didn't bother him, not at all. He'd come to realize that many of the people who came were, like he had been, too scared to do it themselves. Many believed that they would be punished by the gods. Others were simply unable to summon the courage.

The way they smiled when they finally got their wish, the names of lost lovers or loved ones on their lips, was touching. Even the few who flinched, or began to cry, had that sense of completion about them. What was pain? What was grief? It meant nothing to them, not anymore.

No, it wasn't fear. It was…pride. He straightened up. He was proud to bring these people what they wanted, what they needed. Nothing broke his heart more than those blank stares, the utter downfall of their spirits, the death-like existence that could give no pleasure, no hope, nothing even remotely like life.

But the moment fizzled. This wasn't about the suicides. It was about the children Seishirou had murdered, right in front of him. He knew Subaru hated the death of a child the most, and he'd made him watch. To top it off, he hadn't even given a reason. 'Keep your mind open.' Ha. There was _nothing_ that could justify Seishirou making him watch that blood bath.

* * *

She'd been beautiful—but, then again, that was her job. 

The woman had been the first of a long line of woman and girls looking for death. Not their own deaths—the deaths of their children.

She was what a person of Subaru's class might call a "courtesan." Seishirou was blunt. She was a whore. He wasn't trying to be cruel, just blunt. It seemed that he disapproved less of her, and more of her customers.

Seishirou prepared the potion with practiced speed.

Subaru hadn't asked what happened, not then. He could scarcely believe that the woman wanted to kill her unborn child. He was spared the pain of seeing the death of a child further along until well into his second year as a healer-apprentice, when the deaths were already numbing him.

It was simple, if he didn't think about it. The woman just had to drink the potion. All of it. Then the child would…would…

Subaru trembled at the thought.

It wasn't until he spoke to one of them that he understood. He'd silently handed her the potion—a pretty little girl, with blue eyes and gold hair, only just as old as he was—and looked away, unable to watch.

"You're disgusted, aren't you?" she'd whispered.

"Yes," he'd replied truthfully, hardly able to meet her gaze.

"I can't care for the child," the girl said simply. She didn't try to flower it up, or offer an excuse. Subaru's gaze steadied. "My son, or my daughter—just another mouth to feed. I can't…" She'd smiled with teary eyes. "I can't even care for myself without…without these jobs. These filthy jobs, these filthy lords who sell us out. If I had a girl, they'd take her, you know that? They'd take her from me and make her a _whore_,"—she spat the words out—"just like me. And they'd kill a boy. Can't have a defender, after all. Or you know, they might take him and make him one of their bodyguards. I'd never know him, not even if they gave me to him as a reward for his hard work. I'd never…never know his face."

"I didn't know," Subaru said.

"Well, now you do," she said, and swallowed the potion in one gulp.

* * *

The whores, the slaves, the poorest of the poor—all of them came, in droves, seeking some way to keep their children from becoming whores, slaves, the poorest of the poor. 

Subaru pitied them.

But, lately, he'd begun to think…that maybe it was better this way.

He stood up, needing to stretch his legs. His body felt awkward, tall and long and…strange. He'd grown more clumsy physically, yet more skilled. He could do almost anything Seishirou needed.

It wasn't a bad life, he reflected. He was learning the art of healing, and it gave him a keen satisfaction. Seishirou had shown him only the most rudimentary methods of killing, and rarely, if ever, called on him for such tasks. More often, Subaru was tending to the patients' needs—their food, their bedding, their medication. He could do all the chores with almost inhuman speed, and he found it easy to assess patient's needs well before they voiced them.

He was satisfied. He didn't know why, or how, but…

He found it all so enjoyable. Making dinner after a late-night surgery, waking at the crack of dawn to soothe a sick child, or simply watching Seishirou's mastery at the healing arts…

Seishirou…

He was part of it, Subaru supposed. The man still puzzled him. He said he felt nothing—and, often, it seemed exactly so, but…

Sometimes, there was such a gentleness in his eyes. When he took a moment to tend the garden—and it was the most glorious garden Subaru had ever seen—he seemed happy, content. The way his fingers danced over the fragile camellias, before plucking a perfect blossom to amuse one of their younger patients, or the way he leaned back against the blooming cherry blossoms, deep in thought over some little thing…

He was so different, in those moments. Which one was the real Seishirou, Subaru wondered once. The man? The healer? The murderer?

Subaru clenched his hands. He needed to apologize for storming out. He'd been so sickened by the senseless deaths. But…Seishirou wouldn't hurt him on purpose. Not him. There…there _had_ to be a reason.

He took a deep breath. Then he remembered. No, Seishirou had already left. He was performing a killing for one of the older members of a local family.

* * *

The "mercy" killings, as someone had once called them, were by far the least disgusting to him. They were, in theory, closer to the suicides, but far less tragic. 

It was mostly the elderly. They were sick, dying, at utter peace with their gods and their fates. Many were quite happy to ask for death. They didn't even flinch.

Their children gathered around, each one smiling a smile tinged with sadness. They would miss their parents, their aunts, their cousins. Those wise old smiles; those stories of days long past, filled with something more than these days; those gentle lessons that would be passed on to children and children's children.

They would be missed so terribly, but…it was better than leaving them in pain and suffering, wasn't it?

* * *

Subaru smiled. The image was so warm. He almost…wished his own family were so open-minded, to embrace the next life instead of clinging to their power, their headship until they were weak and stupid and unable to see past their own pain. 

He decided to wait in the house. Surely Seishirou would be hungry when he returned? He'd just been to the market the day before, and there was plenty of food to prepare a nice dinner for the two of them. He would apologize for being so hasty in his anger.

* * *

The other mercy killings bothered him. He wasn't sure why. 

The maimed were inclined towards death as well. Most were young men—boys, even—wounded in war. They came back and chose death over a life unlike the one they'd had before. Subaru couldn't imagine their pain. He'd watched an amputation once. The screams haunted his dreams for days.

Still, they were just suicides under another name. All of them were, really. The only true killings were…

He swallowed. Seishirou said it didn't matter, but it did to him. No matter what he'd tried to think about it, killing the insane, the idiots, truly disturbed him.

Maybe it was their eyes. Like the death-seekers, they had blank eyes, uncomprehending, unseeing. But such bright, innocent eyes…

They didn't even comprehend that they were being led to their deaths. These people were no different than animals. Subaru looked at them and saw the world through Seishirou's eyes. Why, then, did it unnerve him so?

He tried, so desperately, to be like Seishirou, not to cry or flinch or torment his heart with morals. But he couldn't see the world with Seishirou's eyes. Humans were still...special to him.

Even those who had no will to live…those who wanted to protect the children they loved before they were even born…those who saw their long years at an end…those who couldn't even see life with human eyes…

He felt his heart ache at every death. Maybe Seishirou saw it. He'd never again tried to integrate Subaru fully into his lifestyle, his ways of dealing with his patients. Only the gentlest, most willing people were sent to die at his hands.

He sighed, putting his mind to the task at hand. Fish, he decided, with some rice. Simple, but filling.

Subaru's hand absentmindedly ran over a paper. That evening's news, he recognized. It must have come just when Seishirou left.

He moved to push it away, but the headline caught his attention. A mass suicide in the nearby town. Against his better instincts, he reached to read it. His heart tightened.

A group of slaves who were to have been auctioned off—families with children—apparently killed their children, then themselves, rather than be torn apart by the auctioneer's block. How horrible, Subaru thought.

But he couldn't, for the life of him, decided which fate would have been worse for the poor slaves—their lives torn apart or this…this terrible tragedy.

His eyes flicked to the pictures.

And he let the paper drop to the floor.

* * *

Subaru had awakened early that morning to the sounds of desperate knocking at the door. He went to answer it, Seishirou behind him. 

He didn't recognize the people standing before him. A man, a woman, three children. But he knew their marks. All of them, their hands branded with the familiar symbol of the lord who ruled in the nearby town.

Seishirou spoke quickly, quietly, with the man. He nodded, once, and led them slaves outside. Subaru's eyes widened. This was where Seishirou preformed the killings. Surely…

The first child fell before he could say anything. He looked back, wildly, to the adults. Tears streamed down their faces, but they only watched, with dark eyes.

The second, dead without a word. But the third—only a baby, barely able to walk, cried and clung to the woman. "Mama," he cried.

"Shh," the woman whispered, cradling the boy in her arms. "Be a good boy. Follow your sisters. It won't hurt, I…promise…"

"Mama," the boy whimpered.

"This way, they'll never pull us apart. Never ever," the woman whispered.

Subaru stared back at Seishirou. No, no, he wanted to plead. No, he wouldn't…he _wouldn't_…

These weren't death-seekers. They weren't half-formed babies. They were innocent children. Innocent, but that their cruel parents wanted them murdered. No, no…

"Seishirou…please…" Subaru whispered, choking on the words. Even as he whispered them, he knew. He could see it in Seishirou's eyes. The same coldness…the same heartlessness he always saw.

The woman led her child to Seishirou. He leaned down on one knee, talking in soothing words to the boy, luring him with sweet, false promises…

Subaru turned away. He couldn't watch, but he heard…

"Thank you," the parents whispered. He heard their retreating footsteps. He trembled. His eyes stung, burned. He…he…

"…how could you!" It was like a curse. "…how…how…I…" He couldn't speak, he was so angry, so disgusted, so utterly and painfully miserable.

"Keep your mind open," Seishirou said, so simple, so normal. He smiled, as if he were satisfied with the brutal job he'd just done. As if nothing were wrong. As if nothing had happened.

"…you…" Subaru couldn't look at him, not with the words he couldn't say filling his heart. Hatred. If he looked, he was sure to say…

…something he would truly regret…

"Subaru," Seishirou said, soft words close to his ear, "don't be this way. Don't go back to weeping and carrying on every time you see me do this." He sighed, just like a tired parent. "I thought you were over all this."

"But…they…"

"Subaru,"—and Subaru was so angry, because Seishirou was saying his name on purpose, trying to soothe him from a pain that couldn't be soothed—"why? Why this, after so long?"

And perhaps, if Subaru's ears had not been shut in his anger, he might have heard something like confusion in Seishirou's voice. "Because you killed them for no reason!" he shouted, suddenly so furious and frustrated he couldn't hold back, couldn't temper his words or his feelings.

Seishirou moved to touch him, and he flinched. And gods, if he didn't move, he swore he was about to strike the man.

"Subaru," Seishirou said again, and his eyes were softer now, so unlike the cold eyes that watched death upon death without flinching. "I—"

"Don't," Subaru hissed. "I can't…I can't even look at you, Seishirou." He looked away firmly.

He walked away, the only thing he could do.

* * *

Subaru sank to the floor. 

He didn't know how long he sat there, his mind throbbing, aching. He heard footsteps, but he didn't want to move. The candle had blown out at some point. Maybe he should have been afraid. It could have been anyone wandering in the house, really.

"Subaru?"

Seishirou's voice. Seishirou, kneeling down next to him. Seishirou, grabbing his hands lightly, examining them.

"I'm...not hurt," he whispered, instinctively understanding Seishirou's concern. How stupid he must have looked, sitting their on the kitchen floor, food left on the countertops, in complete darkness.

"But you're not alright," Seishirou said softly. He paused a moment. "You're still angry?"

Subaru shook his head. "No," he said, realizing that it was still dark. Seishirou probably couldn't see him. Maybe that was a good thing.

"I…apologize," the man said finally, his voice stiff.

"For what?" Subaru wished he could see Seishirou's face. His voice was so…strange.

"For making you angry…this morning. I," he paused again. His voice was oddly soft and formal. "I shouldn't have made you watch."

"No, I should apologize to you," Subaru said back. "You were right. I should have kept my mind open. I…" He grabbed at the paper, pushing it towards Seishirou. For a moment, he forgot that the room was still dark. "You killed them…because of this, didn't you?" His voice rose, and he choked on the words. "They were slaves, weren't they? They wanted you to…help them stay together…forever."

The paper was pulled from his hand. He heard it rustle in Seishirou's hand. "Yes," Seishirou said finally. "Yes, they were the slaves. They didn't want to be sold. But…you're wrong."

It was so dark, and Subaru wanted to see Seishirou. But he could only move his fingers against Seishirou's hand, still next to his. "Wrong about what?" he whispered.

"This," Seishirou said simply. "Did you think I was helping them, with this?" Subaru heard the paper, heard it crumple and rip angrily.

Subaru was silent. He didn't know what to say. "I don't understand."

"You were furious, this morning. And now, you don't care at all. You're…you're _happy_, now!" Seishirou's voice was unsteady.

"Happy?" Subaru repeated. "No…of course not. But I'm not angry, either. You," —he smiled, even though he was scared, scared of the strange note of uncertainty in his voice, in Seishirou's voice— "I thought you were just killing them because of their parents. If I'd known, I…I wouldn't have been mad."

"But _why_?" Seishirou's voice shook again. "Why does knowing who they are or why they did it change your mind?"

"Because…" Subaru searched for the words.

"Because?" Subaru longed to see the expression of Seishirou's face, but he couldn't move. If he could see, he thought, he might see something he'd never been able to see before. "If I kill one child, or one old man, one broken heart or one unborn child, what is the difference?"

"Because each life is special," Subaru said back. Now he was getting angry. "Don't you see that?"

"And I feel _nothing_ when I kill them. Young or old, sick or healthy."

"Don't say that," Subaru whispered back. It made him sick, the very thought. How could he not feel anything for those…innocent children? How...could anyone _not_ feel—

Subaru's heart tightened.

Seishirou had told him, told him over and over again, that he _didn't_ care, that he _didn't_ feel. It was him, Subaru, who came up with all these stupid reasons, excuses, purposes. It was him who couldn't believe Seishirou's words.

He felt terrible. He knew, he _knew_ Seishirou didn't feel anything. But he refused to believe it. He still selfishly expected the healer to put up with him and his stupid feelings…to always agree with his morals...to always make him happy.

He imagined the way Seishirou had smiled at him, the blood still wet on his hands. Arrogant, mocking—completely and utterly Seishirou. But there was no hatred there, no joy or blood-lust, no pleasure in the killings.

…nothing at all…

Subaru moved to get up, feeling a sense of contentment. He understood. He lit one of the candles, blowing out the match carefully. In the flickering light, he could finally see Seishirou's face. Outwardly, he didn't look any different. But the little things began to add together—the gradual slumping of his shoulders, the ways his lips almost curved downwards, the ways his hands seemed to shake, ever, ever so slightly. Just like a confused child.

"I can't help what I feel," he said, watching Seishirou from the other side of the candle. "And I can't understand your…lack of feelings."

Seishirou's eyes almost lit up. "I can't understand why you need to feel everything so much," he said, deliberately mimicking Subaru's own calm remark.

It was surreal. The thin candlelight flickered. They could only barely see each other. Yet here they were, more open than they'd ever been before.

"I like to have a reason for people to die. It makes me feel better. Like I'm helping them, not…hurting them," Subaru said breathily. He was stunned at his forthrightness.

"Hurting them?" Seishirou repeated. His eyes narrowed. "It's too fast for them to feel anything."

"Not that kind of pain."

"What kind, then?"

"The kind that…makes people sad. That makes people cry." His next words were hushed, and he looked away. "Because most people do care if someone dies."

A question was at the tip of Seishirou's lips, but he swallowed it. "Foolish," he said, contempt covering up anything else he might have felt.

"If that's what you want to think," Subaru said. He took a deep breath. He'd thought…maybe, just maybe he might make the man understand, make him feel something, anything. But he'd failed.

"Another person will always come along," Seishirou said, and his voice was cold again. "That's the way the world is. One person dies, and another takes his place. On and on. There's nothing to cry about."

Subaru heard his steps, heard him walk away. The food lay, untouched, across the counter. He felt better, in some ways—but so much worse in others. Some part of him was comforted by the fact that Seishirou had a reason to kill, just like him, but he realized, much more clearly than ever, that it was coincidence, chance. Seishirou truly didn't care.

He wished the world were as simple for him as it was for Seishirou. He wished he didn't need this complex web of reasons, of soothing, soothing reasons for the dark job he'd taken up. He wished someone could replace Hokuto in his heart so easily.

But no person was replaceable. If only Seishirou could see that…

* * *

Author's note: That came out…differently than I expected. 

I'm giving some deep and serious thought as to how to end this story. I actually have quite a bit planned out—but I'm starting to wonder if it's really the ending I want.

It's an odd story, but…this wasn't even my original idea. I actually started envisioning this story well after Subaru has already become a full-fledged healer. "The Darkest Night" was only meant to be a short prequel about Subaru and how he became a healer. But as it turned out, this story has more than eclipsed my original idea. I'm not even sure if I want to end up using those ideas about Subaru's later life.

Well…just wait and see. I guess that's all I'm saying.


	4. Part 4

"The Darkest Night" (Part 4/5?)  
by Sakura no Miko

Pairing: Subaru/Seishirou  
Warnings: Major, major disturbing content involving various forms of suicide/euthanasia, abortion, and outright murder. Worse, actual _sympathy_ and **_glorification_** of such actions. Anyone who values life as a "gift of God" or whatever deity/power you choose should probably stay away from this 'fic. Oh, and character deaths, yaoi, angst…the usual for these two.  
Summary: Subaru's family decides to claim their heir back, but Subaru doesn't want to leave his new life behind…  
Disclaimer: I'm seriously out of things to say here. Not CLAMP, okay?

* * *

After that incident, another year passed. 

There were so many changes, so many tiny things that, all together, might have scared Subaru. Like the little girl, finally old enough to be taught the recipe for her own medicine. Like the poor courtesan with the pretty eyes, finally rescued from her work by a kind man who married her on the spot. Like the fact that…

…the deaths were growing fewer and fewer with every passing day.

It was a strange change, one that Subaru couldn't quite understand. He'd been initiated into a world where death was absurdly common, only to have it change before his very eyes into exactly the sort of world he'd thought he'd left behind forever.

Stranger still, it didn't bother him. Not at all.

He almost hesitated to say it, uncertain and afraid, even. But, then again, he couldn't think of any other thing he could say.

He was…satisfied, with this work and this life. He didn't want for anything. He awoke every morning with a sense of purpose, and took pride and even enjoyment in doing each task before him.

There was a thrill, he'd realized, in doing things with his own hands. In tasting the food he'd prepared all on his own. In holding the hand of a sick patient, comforting, squeezing, with his own sensitive hand. In preparing medicines and bandages and administering them to the sick. In falling asleep on the soft bed, exhausted, but so utterly satisfied.

He, quite simply, loved his life.

The bell rang, announcing an arrival at the door. He didn't think much of it.

…not until he saw the visitors.

Subaru stood in the doorway, speechless. It was two of his cousins. He hadn't seen any member of his family since he'd some here.

The resemblance was obvious—his cousins had the same dark hair and pale skin, though their eyes were a plain brown. Twins, just like him and Hokuto. The boy—Subaru remembered his name, suddenly, as Yami—was wearing the formal outfit of the Sumeragi family. Unlike Subaru's own white robes, however, his cousin's were blue as the sky.

The girl—her name was Hikari—was similarly attired in a lighter blue color. She smiled at him, a little nervously, but it was much friendlier than her brother's rather cold look.

"Subaru," she said, and her voice was pretty, like a bird. "We've been so worried about you!" She hugged him, but he didn't really feel her embrace. Why now? his mind whispered. Surely the family would have been able to find him anytime they wanted.

Her brother didn't say anything until she let go. "Your grandmother sent us to find you," he said briskly. "She said, and I quote, 'Subaru, you are to return at once. You're nearly an adult, and it is imperative that you return and take your position as clan head. You've had your fun with this little job of yours, but you must surely realize how much we need you back home.'" The boy coughed and looked away. "She also said that we are to use whatever methods necessary to bring you back." He looked Subaru in the eyes. "But I'm sure we won't need to."

"No." Subaru's voice was quiet, but firm.

"Subaru," the girl said softly, a hint of a plea. "Please."

"I said no," Subaru almost hissed. Four years. Four years without so much as a word, and now this demand. No. "Grandmother didn't even come herself to fetch me. She hasn't spoken to me in four years. I owe her nothing."

Hikari shook her head. "Then we'll have to take you by force."

"I won't leave here," Subaru whispered, and his mind couldn't quite keep up with his mouth. "I don't want to go back there, not where everything reminds me of _her_!"

"But Subaru, as you said, it's been years," Hikari said gently.

"Hikari, I'm…I'm _happy_ here," Subaru whispered, pleading with his eyes. "Happier than I ever was back there."

"Do you think she'd want this for you, Subaru?" Yami spoke, cold. "I seem to remember how hard the two of you worked, trying to become worthy of the clan headship. Are you willing to throw away everything the two of you worked for? Wouldn't she want you to do it? For her?"

Subaru trembled. "I don't want to leave."

"But for Hokuto's sake, Subaru," Yami said, seductive, manipulative. "For the dream you had, the wonderful memories of your childhood dream. Is this," –he waved a hand dismissively at the small house, the quiet hospital— "Is this worth more to you than her? Don't you want to remember your sister, Subaru?"

"I…"

"Please, Subaru?" Hikari said, so gentle. "We've missed you so much. We didn't know where you went. And the rumors…" She looked at the house distastefully. "Oh, Subaru, you can't tell us you want to be a slave here. What if you fell ill?"

"You have so much more at home," Yami said, and their voices were a chorus, a dreadful chorus. "You're rich beyond any of these peasant's dreams. You'll never need to lift a finger."

"No death, no sickness," she whispered.

"No," Subaru whispered, but his voice seemed so faint.

"No labor, no pain," he whispered.

"No more of this life you do not deserve," they said, almost together. "Hokuto would want you to be happy."

Hokuto…

The spell shattered. "No!" Subaru said, and his voice was so terribly loud. "Hokuto wanted to escape that house, just like I did." His hands drew to his face. "You're wrong. We never wanted the headship. We were trying to escape. But Grandmother worked us so hard, and the servants watched out every move…"

He could remember the day Hokuto finally managed to get away, in the dark, dead of night. "Be happy, Subaru," she'd whispered. But Grandmother…his grandmother had said, why didn't she take you? She's left you. She doesn't want you anymore.

But Hokuto's eyes had been so sad…

"She escaped," Subaru whispered. "She….just wanted to be happy, with the man she loved." She died for her happiness…and Subaru found he envied her.

"Oh, Subaru, if you'd only listened to us," Hikari sighed, grabbing his arm. She was stronger than she looked—no doubt the result of the family's strict training, training Subaru hadn't had for the last four years.

"Let me go. I don't want to leave," he said defiantly, despite being unable to move. The twins held him tighter, and, against his will, they managed to drag him a few steps.

"Excuse me," came a distinctly masculine voice form behind them. "It would seem that Subaru is rather unwilling. Thus, I must ask exactly what you plan to do with him."

Seishirou! Subaru's heart jumped, and it wasn't an unpleasant feeling. In fact, it only felt more wonderful when Seishirou shooed the twins away and knelt down to examine the dark marks they'd left on Subaru's arms. Subaru wanted to smile, but…he couldn't help but let a few tears escape. He wanted to stay here, with Seishirou, with their work.

"Lord Healer," Yami said, bowing his head formally. "Madame Sumeragi respectfully asks that her grandson return to his duties as clan head." His eyes flicked upwards. "If you would tell him that this arrangement is more suitable, for all of us, we would certainly make it worth you while."

"You should be more subtle with your bribery, boy," Seishirou said, just as formally. Subaru never thought he'd come to love that cold smile—but then again, it wasn't directed at him this time.

Yami glared. "We will take Subaru with us." Hikari nodded next to him.

"If Subaru wishes to stay here, he will stay here," Seishirou said pleasantly, but not without the barest hint of a threat. "You see, it will take quite a long time to train another assistant," he continued blithely, smiling as if this were a normal talk about the weather.

"But even longer to train another clan head," Hikari said, smiling. "So you see our problem."

"I'm sure Madame Sumeragi must have other candidates. It would be…very foolish not to have backup plans. You know, just in case anything unexpected should happen."

"But nothing _has_ happened to our candidate." Yami was obviously getting fed up. "Aside from that, Madame Sumeragi has already been quite lenient with Subaru. Four years is quite the long vacation."

"And Subaru worked so hard to be clan head," Hikari said quickly. "He and his sister spent so many hours making themselves stronger, all to please their grandmother."

Seishirou smiled. "Is that true? I'm afraid, then, that I don't understand why Madame Sumeragi did nothing to stop her granddaughter from leaving the family."

Both twins narrowed their eyes. "Who told you that, Lord Healer?" Hikari asked.

"Why, Subaru, of course." He curled his arm around the boy's waist, and Subaru leaned in, feeling immensely secure. "From what I've heard, you didn't treat his sister very well at all. Forcing her to elope. Disinheriting her. And not even acknowledging her death. Hardly the sort of thing I'd expect from such close-knit family."

"Hokuto made her own decision," Yami said shortly.

"And Subaru seems to be making his."

"Subaru is coming with us."

"Subaru, do you wish to go with them?" Seishirou asked gently. He smiled at Subaru, that hopelessly fake-looking smile Subaru had seen innumerable times.

"I…" he swallowed. "I want to stay here." Casting a look at the twins and remembering his grandmother's harsh rule, he added softly, "with you." He felt so absurdly young, like a child hiding in his mother's skirt. But he felt safe. He knew he wasn't going to leave, not now.

"There you have it," Seishirou said. "Subaru will stay here, _with me_."

"You have no right," Hikari said, and even her cheerfulness was beginning to fade.

"Subaru is an adult. I don't think you have any right over his life either."

"He is a member of the clan, and subject to the clan leader."

Seishirou brought a finger to his chin and tapped it thoughtfully. "But aren't their certain…relationships that free a person from the clan control?" He paused. "Like marriage, perhaps?"

"Subaru hasn't married anyone," Yami said. "Besides, only the wife changes her affiliation when she marries."

Even Subaru looked up at the comment. What was Seishirou saying?

"But a person could change clans that way?" Again, the thoughtful tapping of his finger. "Then, perhaps, if I were to say that Subaru is, by his relationship with me, a member of _my_ clan, you couldn't do anything to him, could you?"

"What relationship?"

"Why, he's my assistant, of course. If I were to die the next day, only Subaru could take my place. He's my only heir." Seishirou smiled. "And unlike the numerous members of the Sumeragi family, I have no other candidate to turn to. Surely you wouldn't put the welfare of one family above the needs of all these poor, sick patients."

It was, surprisingly, Hikari who laughed. "How foolish. As if no other healers exist in this land." Her voice dropped. "Or no other _murderers_."

Subaru stiffened, but Seishirou's arms only hugged him closer. "There is one other thing," Seishirou said, his voice a little more reserved. He looked at Subaru, just for a moment. "But I'm not sure Subaru would approve of my saying…"

"It's alright, Seishirou," Subaru said, trying to hide his confusion. But… "Say anything, if it means I could stay here."

"If you really want me to," Seishirou said, sighing as if he were being forced. His drew his hand up to Subaru's face, causing the boy to stare back, confused. But when Seishirou leaned forward to kiss him, he remembered, almost too clearly, the sweet sensation. And that alone allowed him to lean forward instead of jumping back, sealing the illusion perfectly.

He was still slightly dazed when Seishirou pulled back. "As you can see," he said, not even gasping for breath, "Subaru and I would rather not be split up." The twins glared. "Tell Madame Sumeragi that I claim Subaru, by virtue of the fact that he is my _lover_, as a member of my clan. She has no more power over him." When the twins made no motion to leave, or even accept the message, he repeatedly, in a much more threatening note, "Did you hear me? Subaru is mine."

"We will give her your message," Hikari said finally. "But don't expect her to give up her heir lightly."

"Neither will I."

They glared once more before turning heel and disappearing down the road. Subaru spoke first. "Thank you," he said simply. He looked away. A thought raced through his mind, and yet…for once, he didn't want to analyze it.

"Perhaps I should be thanking you instead, Subaru?" Seishirou respectfully looked at the ground. "After all, you are the one kind enough to stay here and assist me." He couldn't hide his smile for long, though. "And, if I may say, very few handsome young men would allow their teacher to kiss them so passionately."

Subaru blushed. "You saved me," he said. "I never would have thought…"

"To destroy your reputation and make your family even angrier?" Seishirou finished.

"To pretend we were lovers," Subaru corrected. "It was so obvious. I should have…"

"Should have what, Subaru? I doubt someone so highly-bred as you would think of such a vulgar lie."

"I should have resisted more. But…" Subaru shook his head. "They're right. She won't leave me alone. I never thought about it, not in all these years. I never thought about…about what trouble it must have caused them, my simply running away like a spoiled child. Especially after Hokuto…" he trailed off.

"Subaru, do you want to go back?"

"No. But…"

"But?"

"What if Grandmother sends more people next time? They won't all listen to you. They won't all believe." Subaru felt the tears returning to his face. Here he was, almost an adult, and he still felt as helpless as a child.

"I won't let them take you away." Subaru looked up, startled. "You're useful, after all." Seishirou leaned over to flick the tears away with his thumb. "And it would take several years to find another person suitable for your job."

Subaru blinked. Even if it was only logic, only need, Seishirou still wanted him there.

Maybe that was why he leaned forward. Maybe that was why he couldn't stop himself from leaning far, far closer than he should have. Maybe that was why he couldn't help but enjoy another kiss.

It wasn't awkward, or strange. "I might have known," Seishirou said when he pulled away, "that you weren't the type to lie."

Subaru smiled. "It wasn't a lie," he said, almost sad. "I remember…"

"You were one of many." Seishirou's voice was emotionless.

"I might have guessed." Truthfully, he'd blocked the night out from his memory. He knew, vaguely, what they'd done, but the thought of death was so much stronger in his mind, and the memory was ignored until it faded away. Payment. That was all it was. "You never did kill me," he said simply. "So there wasn't much point."

"No point?" Seishirou pouted. "Certainly it was better than that."

"Seishirou…"

"You know, Subaru, you've cost so much more alive than dead," Seishirou said, teasing.

"Do I…" Subaru blushed. "…do I owe you very much?"

Seishirou blinked, almost surprised. "Oh, so much, Subaru," he said, and there was no mistaking the perverted tone he was using. "Many, many nights worth of payment."

"Then...we wouldn't be lying, now would we?"

Subaru hated the way his voice sounded, so uncaring, so cold. But, then again, there wasn't much point to telling the truth, now was there? How to say that he enjoyed their fake kiss? Their loveless payments? Their nights sleeping side by side?

How to say that…he was just starting to be…happy, here?

…he might have cursed his fate.

He'd ignored it for so long, that warm feeling within him. He was happy here. He loved his life. He'd do whatever it took to protect it, even if it meant destroying his family's unbroken line.

And for what?

…just so he could stay with this man, this murderer, who only wanted him as an heir? As a bed partner?

Subaru couldn't deny his own longing. And Seishirou was part of that longing. He wanted to feel that warmth again, that warmth that had drawn him up, like a newborn, into his new life. Maybe the warmth would keep him from ever plunging back into the ice. Maybe…he could stay happy.

"Thank you, Seishirou," he said finally.

"For what, Subaru?"

"For keeping me."

…it wasn't what he wanted to say. Thank you for letting me stay here. For giving me a home. For fighting off my family. For letting me be your lover. For…

…for…

Seishirou took his hand, leading him back inside. There were still many hours of daylight, many tasks to do.

And Subaru couldn't think of a better life to have.

* * *

Author's note: This is _not_ the end. 

Heheh.Actually, this scene was only supposed to be a brief space-filler, but it kinda took off on its own.

There's definitely one more scene I want to write, involving Subaru and Kakyou. There's only one last little angst Subaru needs to deal with, but it's one that should be addressed. And Seishirou needs to make a couple of realizations as well.

Anyway, there should be at least one more full chapter, then maybe an epilogue. I'm still debating the happy/tragic ending bit…but I should have a decision by the end of the next/last chapter.

In fact…ah, here's an idea. If anyone has any preference, please make a brief note of it in your reviews. The ending I originally had planned involves a character death...but also an eventual re-finding of love. I thought that an ending like that would more fully explore the theme of choosing life, even a life without loved ones, over death.

On the other hand, perhaps the current direction of the story is enough. Subaru is already well on his way to being happy, and maybe he doesn't need to prove himself again.

Please give it some thought before you answer. After all, if I have to think, so do you. ;)


	5. Part 5

"The Darkest Night" (Part 5)

by Sakura no Miko

Pairing: Subaru/Seishirou

Warnings: Major, major disturbing content involving various forms of suicide/euthanasia, abortion, and outright murder. Worse, actual _sympathy_ and **_glorification_** of such actions. Anyone who values life as a "gift of God" or whatever deity/power you choose should probably stay away from this 'fic. Oh, and character deaths, yaoi, angst…the usual for these two.

Summary: A chance reminder of Subaru's past leads him to demand that Seishirou fulfill their agreement, but he soon learns that everything wasn't as it seemed…

Disclaimer: Nope, these aren't my characters. I'm not as twisted as CLAMP.

* * *

Subaru Sumeragi found himself caught between Heaven and Hell.

It wasn't the scenario most people would envision.

Heaven was the darkest, coldest night, wrapped in the arms of a heartless murderer, treated as little more than a convenient bed partner, a faithful servant, a helpless child.

Hell was being constantly told how horrible his life was and how easy it would be to return to his family's life of privilege and being waited on hand and foot by mindless servants.

…and the line was growing more and more blurred…

His grandmother was ruthless. Every day, his cousins returned, full of more tales of life back at the Sumeragi household. Every day they whispered and insinuated and pointed out the most horrible aspects of his life—or at least the ones they could twist into seeming so.

And Seishirou did nothing to stop it. "Just ignore them," he'd said, when Subaru began to admit that they were running down his nerves. "They have no power over you." A gentle kiss swallowed up whatever other complaints he might have had.

But they did, and it terrified Subaru. He hated looking at his life through their eyes. And he could only reassure himself so many times before it began to sound pathetic.

The work he loved to do—belittled as slave work, as servants' tasks, as unnecessary and certainly beneath him. His simple dinners were tasteless and could be done far better by the head chef of the household. He was slow, uncouth, useless. Why did he stay?

When he took care of the sick patients, their words rang in his head. Why torment yourself by looking at these people, with their minds gone and their bodies decaying and their sicknesses that might make you every bit as helpless as they? Why not leave it to that man, who surely deserved such torments for his murderous heart?

And even in the nights, the warm and safe nights, he couldn't help but listen. Seishirou didn't love him, didn't care for him. He'd said it himself. He felt nothing for anyone…not even Subaru. And, somehow, Subaru found himself more and more annoyed, or angry, or terrified with the idea. It made him feel sick when he came back to his senses. He'd known, after all, what he was getting into. Warmth without anything else to back it up. Nights of embraces that promised nothing. Waking up to those cold, uncaring eyes, no different as they gazed upon him than as they gazed upon the next to die.

Day in, day out, every day they returned. Subaru was going mad, he knew it.

…but he wouldn't go back. He hated his home—if it even deserved such a name anymore—more with each passing day. But even this haven he'd found for himself was starting to blacken.

He dallied in the garden more often, sometimes making Seishirou angry by being late. It was the only place he felt peaceful, away from the voices, away from the duties, away from anything.

A night came, finally, when even Seishirou stayed away from him, claiming that he needed to stay with one of the patients. Subaru knew, quite well, that the patient had nothing more than a mere cold. But he spent the night alone and cold nonetheless. He chastised himself for being angry, but…the dark feeling was still there, like a rock in his stomach. Even Seishirou's warm embraces seemed to cool.

The final blow came one cool, almost-winter's day. A man and his wife had come. The woman was obviously in great pain—birthing pains. The doctor in the nearby town was ill, the desperate husband said. Even if it wasn't Seishirou's normal practice, couldn't he please do something for her?

Subaru tried to keep calm. He tried to follow everything Seishirou said. But when the woman's breaths began to weaken…when she began to grasp, desperately, for the too-quiet infant…when her eyes suddenly rolled back and she convulsed, one great heaving movement, before falling back, motionless…

He screamed.

He screamed and he ran, seeking the comfort of the silent trees. It was too much for him, too much like…

...too much like Hokuto…

He heard Seishirou calling him, but he didn't want to be found. Not with such blood on his hands. Hokuto's blood, he thought fuzzily. Hokuto, lying there, motionless. Hokuto's child hanging limply…

…Hokuto…_dead_.

So he moved away, deeper into the surrounding trees, dark and bare, making a silent condemnation with their dead branches. But their company was better than his memories. He closed his eyes, and it wasn't a stranger, gasping for air, clutching for her child, but Hokuto, who stared at him with accusing eyes.

'Forgotten' wasn't the word he was searching for. No, he'd never forgotten her death. But it faded…it gradually began appearing in his mind less and less often. He'd been so busy with Seishirou, so busy helping others, so busy being….

…happy…

He _had_ forgotten her, and this was his punishment. To watch her die before his eyes, over and over again, and know he could have done something. It stung more now than ever. Now, when he'd saved so many with his own hands, he was forced to see the one person he'd have given anything to save…

_He'd_ turned her away. Not the clan head, not the elders, _him_. If he hadn't been so stupidly angry, so furious at her, he might have used his power to bring her to safety. Her and the child. Even the man she'd run off with, if she wanted. If she…

…if he'd…

…if he'd just taken her back with open arms…

He frowned, and smiled, and wept.

…if he'd only…loved her enough to…

* * *

He didn't know when he finally went back to the house. Was it late? It was dark…

He heard his name, dimly. "Hokuto," he whispered. It was her voice, wasn't it? Her arms around him. She'd always been there for him, no matter how cruel he was to her…

"Subaru, you're freezing," Seishirou said. No, his voice wasn't like hers at all. But he kept listening. Such a pretty voice… "Subaru?"

He felt something wrapped around him. It felt rough against his aching skin, but warm. The soft scent of Seishirou clung to his jacket, far too large for Subaru's frame. "Hokuto?" he said again. More of a question, this time.

"She's dead, Subaru. You know that."

"…then why am I still here?" That dark question he'd forgotten, locked away in his heart. But something within him couldn't hold it back any longer.

The man said nothing, and, for some reason, it infuriated Subaru.

"You were supposed to kill me." It was almost an accusation, and Subaru didn't care. It was…just too much. "Why am I the only person you won't kill?"

"You don't want to die."

"Liar." Despair, anger—all of it hidden, but suddenly pouring out again. Subaru was finally _tired_ of hiding it. "Liar! I'm sick of pretending. I don't want…" Subaru twisted away. "I don't want to feel like this anymore!"

Seishirou eyed him, arching an eyebrow in surprise. "You said you were…happy."

Subaru fell quiet. Even Seishirou said 'happy' with a sort of coldness and disbelief. Happiness…

"Now, what set this off, again?" Seishirou smiled like nothing was wrong. "Surely you're not that bothered by the poor woman and her child?" Subaru tensed. Seishirou nodded, as if he'd received an answer. "She's not dead, you know," he said, leaning down to Subaru's ear. "Not like your precious sister."

Seishirou managed to catch the fist that came flying at him. In another time, Subaru might have been proud of the fact that Seishirou's eyes went wide in surprise. But at the moment, he was too furious to even realize he'd thrown the punch. "Just kill me," he said, but it wasn't quite as demanding as he'd wanted. It might have sounded pathetic, but he didn't care.

"I will do no such thing," the man replied.

"Why?" Subaru hissed, refusing to meet Seishirou's eyes.

Seishirou forcefully grabbed Subaru's chin, forcing him up. "Because I don't…" He paused, just a moment. "…want to."

Subaru stopped struggling for a moment. His mouth opened, ever so slightly, in surprise at the tender remark. But he was already too lost in his anger to take note of the words. "You lied to me," he said, breaking free with a sudden burst of strength. When Seishirou made on move to grab him again, he backed up, slow steps, never taking his eyes from Seishirou's. "So you _can_ feel something," Subaru said, accusing, threatening. "But only when you want to! Only when it benefits you!" The sound echoed in the room, dark and ominous.

"Yes," Seishirou said sharply. He took a step forward, Subaru took another step back. But his eyes were narrowed, and a shadow of anger flitted across his face. "In that regard, I'm no different than you."

"What!"

"'Kill me! Please kill me!'" Seishirou said, mocking, daring Subaru to deny his own black pleas. "No matter what happens….no matter what anyone does to stop you… It's always back to your wonderful _sister_," Seishirou almost snarled, "who's nothing but a rotting corpse!" A strange gleam lit up his eyes.

Subaru trembled. Without thinking, he turned, managing a few steps towards the kitchen before Seishirou caught him. "I'll do it _myself_," he hissed as Seishirou securely grabbed his arms. "You hear me? Then you'll never have to deal with me or my sister ever again!"

"When I said I didn't want to kill you," Seishirou hissed, pinning Subaru's hands painfully enough to produce a yelp, "it didn't mean anyone else could, either."

"I hate you," Subaru said, so cold, so soft—like the first snowflake of winter. "How could I be happy without her? How could I!" he yelled. The words tumbled out, without a thought. Everything he'd tried—tried so hard—to forget, to ignore, to…

Seishirou shoved him to the ground roughly. Subaru pushed himself up, looking back at the healer with tears shining in his eyes and a black expression on his face. Seishirou disappeared for a moment, returning with a very long, very sharp knife. "I don't care," was all he said, dropping the blade lifelessly at Subaru's feet.

He left. Subaru heard a door open, then close. He picked up the knife, his hands quivering. It was almost dreamlike, the hazy sense that seemed to cloud his judgment. The blade felt so cold against his skin. He drew the blade across his wrist, but only so softly. Subaru tried to push the blade deeper, but his hands wouldn't listen to him. It was going to hurt. It would hurt so much…

He was…terrified. Too terrified to use the force he needed to even break the skin.

"Coward," he whispered to himself. He closed his eyes, letting the silence wash over him. He saw Hokuto's body, limb, with dead eyes starting at him. And behind her…the shadow of a man, whispering curses to her.

Seishirou. He pushed her body away, filling Subaru's vision with himself. But Subaru could only cry her name, grapes desperately for her body in the darkness. Without her… He grabbed, but she was gone, dissolving, disappearing. And when he turned, even Seishirou was gone. He was alone.

Subaru's fingers tightened around the knife, and he pushed down. The blade dug into his skin, and he dropped the blade, stunned. He was bleeding—not badly, but enough to leave dark drops scattered on the floor. Even so, it was enough to break the black haze that had taken over his mind. Seishirou was still right, after all. He couldn't do it.

Trembling, Subaru pulled Seishirou's jacket close—the warm, comfortingly soft garment Seishirou had lovingly placed around his shoulders. A tender gesture that had been lost on Subaru in his madness. Subaru thought back. Seishirou had always been so gentle with him, whenever he'd been hurting. And what had he done? Pushed him away, trying to hold onto Hokuto. As if Seishirou meant nothing to him…

He couldn't keep them both in his heart like this. He couldn't forget Hokuto. But he didn't want to hurt Seishirou, if the man even could be hurt. Subaru had held onto the wish that, perhaps, he might be able to…to make Seishirou feel something for him, even when Subaru knew, above all things, how painful emotions were. But now…

Subaru stood up, the force making him dizzy, the thin red drops falling off his arm. He could only think of one thing.

He had to leave.

His hand slid to search the pockets. A few loose coins. Just enough to eat for a few days. After that…

After that, he'd find something. He'd do something. Anything. Surely someone would help him. Surely…something would change…

If not…

Subaru stuffed the knife into another of the large pockets, uncomfortably aware of the danger, the temptation it brought. He didn't bother to tie up the injury on his wrist, to take food or water, to even think about what he was doing. Just like before. It was madness, pure madness, and he didn't care.

Yes, madness to think he could undo his mistake by running away. The damage was already done. Seishirou…Hokuto…

…why did being happy always hurt the ones he cared about…?

The snow felt wonderful—numbing, embracing, soaking him from the core to the stem with nothingness. He'd forgotten…how wonderful it felt to feel nothing…

He passed through the garden. The cherry tree was there, just waiting to bloom in the spring. But Subaru wouldn't be there to see such beauty. Seishirou's beloved cherry blossoms… He kissed the trunk, rather foolishly, thinking of Seishirou in the rain of soft, pink blossoms, like some forest spirit straying into the human world.

Seishirou, who'd managed to replace Hokuto in his heart…even if only for a moment.

Subaru's wrist stung, and he shuddered at the thought of what he'd done. Stupid healer. He was always right. Subaru grabbed the knife and dropped it at the tree's base. "For you," he whispered, "I won't let anyone else kill me." Not much of a gift—but it was all he had left to give.

He looked back. The house was dark and quiet, just as he'd first seen it. He smiled. It hadn't been nearly as hard to leave the Sumeragi household, had it? But…if he stayed, it would only bring them both more pain. Pain that Seishirou didn't deserve.

Run away, just like the coward you are, he told himself. You don't deserve happiness.

* * *

Subaru had no clear destination in mind, though he knew to avoid the nearby towns, where he was well-known. He took the most remote roads, and traveled at night as much as he could. He rarely slept, preferring even the most dismal days to the nightmares plaguing his sleep. Making it worse was the fact that the nightmares were real. He dreamed of Hokuto's death, of Seishirou abandoning him, of waking up, cold and wet and alone—only to awake, often cold and wet, and always alone.

He was happily anonymous, just another nameless traveler.

Finally, he reached a town he deemed far enough away to enter. Someplace where no one would know him. Someplace where he could be miserable in peace.

Fortunately for him, Seishirou's coat had a large hood, more than sufficient enough to cover his face. He tugged the massive coat tightly to his small frame, relishing in the momentary warmth, the fleeting sense of comfort.

It was almost noon when he finally took note of the way his stomach was growling. The merchants looked at him strangely, but he ignored them. He was a stranger, a traveler, after all. Perhaps they had too few people wandering here…

The woman watched him anxiously, probably worried about thievery. She was watching Subaru so intently that she let out a yelp when another girl bounded up behind her. "Have you seen the young Lady?" the girl asked breathlessly, looking worried. "I swear, she was only out of my sight for a moment!"

"She hasn't been this way," the woman said, but she smiled at the girl gently. "But our little Lady often wanders. She'll probably turn up at mealtime, or come bounding over here to pick up the food she forgot."

"Still, I'm going to keep looking," the girl said, before racing down the other end of the street.

Subaru dropped a few coins down on the counter and left. He wasn't in the mood to listen. But the woman called after him. "Sir! Your change!" She ran up to him, heaving. A couple of pennies shined in her palm, and Subaru almost groaned.

"Keep them," he said crossly.

The woman shook her head. "The Lord here says we…"—she took another heaving breath—"…we have to be fair to travelers. And you paid too much."

"Fine," Subaru said, taking the few coins. He was surprised to find a piece of silver among the bronze. She was right.

"That there's enough to rent a room for the night, if you're interested. The inns here are very well-kept. The Lord says to keep them so," the woman said, hinting a little too obviously. "He checks them himself, when he's well. And they say he's very generous to travelers who are…down on their luck."

Subaru nodded stiffly. He wasn't planning on staying. Besides, any Lord would surely recognize him. The elites… Subaru almost smiled. He didn't even consider himself a part of that world anymore. Too many days of laboring over a hot stove, waking up at the crack of dawn, working far too roughly for his delicate body—all that, and he'd forgotten the luxurious life that he'd led once upon a time.

Subaru pushed back his hood. It was casting shadows in his eyes, making it hard to count back the coins. The woman made a small, startled noise. "Hey…" she whispered. "You look just like—"

"Thank you," Subaru said, rather rudely turning away. He didn't like the way she looked at him. It was…to close to recognition. Maybe he needed to keep traveling, after all. He started walking briskly, and pulled the hood back over his face.

Near the center of town, he saw the Lord's mansion. At least, he thought it was. It was far too large to be the home of anyone else, yet…it was far plainer than any mansion he'd ever seen. Constructed of plain stone, it seemed almost like an extension of the huts and homes surrounding it—a gigantic parent surrounded by children. There wasn't even a garden, just a few clinging vines creeping along the doorways.

Perhaps, Subaru thought with a touch of the elitist arrogance he'd always been surrounded by, this Lord was so kind to strangers because he didn't have enough money to care for his own people. He shook his head. What did he care about this town, this strange Lord…?

He stood, lost in his thoughts, when a scream rang out. Subaru moved, with soft steps, towards a darker corner. It was better not to get involved with…whatever crime of crisis was occurring. After all, a stranger, traveling all alone, would be a prime suspect.

It's none of your business, he told himself again and again.

At least, until a group of panicked servants began crying out for a healer.

Subaru groaned. He couldn't help himself. It's your fault, Seishirou, he thought to himself. No, Seishirou wouldn't take a step forward, like he was doing. No, Seishirou wouldn't draw attention to himself by calling out that he was a healer. Seishirou would walk on, heartless as always, unless the price was right. No, it wasn't really his fault. All he'd done was give Subaru the skills. It was Subaru's own kindness that made him step forward.

How foolish you are, he told himself as the servants hustled him inside, saying this and that about their master's ailment. Each brought new—and conflicting—information. One said he'd collapsed, another that he was in shock, a third that he never awoke. Subaru chuckled to himself. Just like parents with their children, he thought, remembering Seishirou's distaste for the bothersome patients.

But he couldn't deny the little thrill that raced through him at the thought of…helping someone, making them well again.

The room was dark, and he could hardly see the man lying on the bed. Another man—no, another _healer_, by the look of him—was already standing over him, looking very annoyed at the hustle and bustle of servants suddenly in the room.

"I told you," the man snapped rudely, "I can handle this. The Lord's simply had another fainting spell."

"That's what you said last time!" one of the servants yelled back. He looked at Subaru. "Please, Lord Healer, won't you look at our Master as well? Perhaps you can find what ails him."

"You'd trust this…this charlatan above me?" the other healer raged. He glared at Subaru as the younger man knelt down. Subaru gently took hold of the Lord's pale arm, checking his pulse. Normal. His skin wasn't horribly cold to the touch. It did seem, for all intents and purposes, that the man simply had a fainting spell of some sort. Seishirou would know, he thought, cursing his stupidity. He couldn't see anything wrong. How could he have thought that he could do anything alone?

Subaru pushed his hood back again, trying to get a better look, but the collective gasp of the servants stilled his hands. He looked back at them, only to be met with looks of shock and even outright horror. "What…?" he started to ask, when the arm he was holding started to move. He looked back, ignoring the questions in his mind.

He could see far better now. The young man—certainly not more than a year or two older or younger than himself—was strangely handsome, in a fragile sort of way. Almost like…

Subaru's heart stopped, skipping a beat or two. He…he recognized that hair—blonde and long, almost feminine. The thin, pale limbs. The sickly, fragile…

No…

"Ka…Kakyou!" he whispered. He took hold of the man's shoulders, shaking him almost too roughly. "Kakyou!"

"How dare you address the Lord Kuzuki like that!" the other healer hissed. He reached to grab Subaru's arm, but Kakyou's arm reached up, and, with surprising strength, pushed the man back.

Subaru stared down stupidly, green eyes meeting gold. "Kakyou…" he said again. Half of him was very, very tempted to reach out and crush the man's thin neck. But the other half of him simply stared. He _knew_ that face…remembered it now, even after only a glimpse, so many years ago…

He was the one…!

Kakyou stared at him. His mouth opened, ever so slightly, but he shook his head. He smiled, just a little. "She always said you'd come back."

Subaru let out a strangled sort of sound—a gasp of surprise as he recognized that voice; or a horrible sob at the thought of Hokuto, his Hokuto, who always knew him better than anyone; perhaps an angry comment, choked back, a curse against the man who'd taken his Hokuto away from him.

All these emotions, stirred up and mixed together, rising up from whatever black part of his heart held them…

Subaru did the only thing he could. He hunched forward, burying his face, and simply sobbed. Sobbed in anger, in pain, in sadness, in relief.

It was too perfect, wasn't it? His most hated enemy…the very painful memories…all here, all right in front of him, living and breathing, the very symbol of everything he'd been trying to escape…!

A gentle hand smoothed over his hair. Dimly, he heard Kakyou talk again. "Out, please," he said softly, but seriously.

"Master…?" the bold servant replied.

"Leave us alone."

"But, Master…with a stranger…"

"Are you blind?" Kakyou whispered. "No, or you wouldn't be looking at him the way you are." Kakyou stroked Subaru's head, and Subaru's heart hissed at the comforting touch from the man he'd loathed for so long. "This is certainly no stranger. He's my brother. Your Lady's brother."

Subaru heard the murmurs, the soft footsteps. When silence reigned again, he mustered up his voice. "How dare you call me '_brother_.'"

"I know you're angry—" Kakyou began, but Subaru cut him off.

"I _hate_ you. I wish you were dead!" Subaru gulped again, trying to force back the hot tears. He stared up at the man—so fragile, so sickly, mocking him with his life when it should have been Hokuto there with him.

But Kakyou smiled, even laughing a little. "So do I," he said. "But that doesn't change the fact that…she's dead." He shook his head. "I loved her too, you know."

"How can you say that?" Subaru was trying to be angry, he truly was, but…it was just too much. He sank against the bed again, overwhelmed. Why had he been so stupid? Why did he stop in _this_ place? Why was he lying here, helpless, when he finally had the chance to do something, anything, against the man he'd hated for so long? Why…how… He wanted to just sink down into the floor and melt away.

Such overwhelming despair…something he hadn't felt in such a long time….

And, suddenly, he wasn't reminded of Hokuto. No, Hokuto had never…never held him the way he ached to be held at that moment. She hadn't…she hadn't had that sense, that simple _knowing_. No, that was…

"Seishirou," he whimpered finally. A child without his parent. That same weakness…cowardly, cold weakness…

"It's alright." _This_ was more like his sister—the soft words, the comforting touch. It stung. This was almost like…having her with him again.

But it was nothing like Seishirou.

Subaru realized with a sickening feeling in his chest, it was Seishirou he wanted in that moment, not Hokuto.

"Why are you still here?" he whispered, but he was truly asking, why am _I_ still here? Why….

Kakyou stilled for a moment. "I tried to die, once," he said simply. "I plunged a knife into my chest." He mimicked the motion, as if to repeat the act, his hands pressing up against his chest until his eyes widened in pain. "And even now, the wound hasn't healed. The pain is unbearable, sometimes. The pain and the grief and…" His voice trailed off.

Subaru watched, enraptured. Perhaps it wasn't Hokuto he saw, lingering in those soft touches. Perhaps it was…himself…

His eyes widened in realization as he watched. He didn't need to hear—he could feel the agony, even as Kakyou fumbled for the words. It was the same pain he held within himself.

Maybe…maybe this man wasn't his enemy. Maybe, he thought, with a sudden, almost physical shock. Maybe, he was…

…the only person who could ever understand his pain…

"I know," he said, the words sliding out with a thought. And who knew which man was more startled when he suddenly embraced Kakyou? "I know!" It was so simple, so stupidly simple! "You…you miss her too," he said, and that was all it took. "You want her back too…"

…just to know…

…they felt the same pain…

He pulled away. "But why…." He said. "Why didn't you die?" He'd had Seishirou, but what had stopped Kakyou?

Kakyou smiled—a truly happy smile. He opened his mouth to speak.

A clatter in the hallway caught Subaru's attention. Footsteps—rapid footsteps. The door flew open, and a little red blur suddenly jumped on the bed. "Papa! Papa!" the little red ball of energy squealed.

Subaru's mouth almost dropped. Hokuto….a little, tiny Hokuto, looking just the way he remembered her in his oldest memories. The truth was so simple, but he couldn't see it.

The child…Hokuto's' child…wasn't dead after all.

"Papa, they said you were sick again," the child said. She shook her finger at her father. "I told you not to keep getting sick!"

That short, dark hair…the energy of her voice… Subaru watched her in awe.

"I'm sorry, Kyouto," Kakyou said, a teasing smile on his face, all the pain forgotten. "I didn't mean to make you worry."

She giggled. "Silly Papa." Kyouto—and it was surely Hokuto who'd come up with the name—leaned up and threw her tiny arms around Kakyou's neck. He kissed her on the forehead, a perfect gesture of fatherly love.

Subaru was watching so intently that he almost jerked back when the girl's gold eyes—Kakyou's eyes, on Hokuto's face—looked at him curiously. They stared at each other silently. "You're a boy," Kyouto said finally.

Subaru blinked. "Yes," he said uncertainly. "I'm…certainly a boy."

"But you look like Mama," Kyouto continued thoughtfully, her eyes peeking over the bed to look at Subaru's feet. She brought her eyes back up to his feet. "A…boy Mama?"

Subaru blushed. He was as embarrassed by this girl's gaze as he was by Seishirou's, though for an entirely different reason.

"Kyouto," Kakyou said. "This is Mama's brother."

She looked at him owlishly again. "Mama's brother!" she repeated enthusiastically, and promptly hugged Subaru. The force made them both lean back, and Subaru instinctively grabbed forward, holding the tiny girl to keep her from falling off the bed.

He was…holding her. This…this little Hokuto…

"Wah! You're squishing me!" Kyouto yelled. Subaru relaxed his grip, and she giggled again. She squirmed around, her feet touching the bed again. "Papa, may I go play? Please?"

"Yes, you may, Kyouto. But make sure you tell the servants where you're going. They get worried, otherwise."

"Okay!" She smiled brightly. "Bye Papa! Bye Mama's brother!" As quickly as she'd come in, she raced out of the room.

Kakyou smiled after her. "I have things to explain," he said. "You wanted to know why I didn't die?"

"Because of her," Subaru whispered. "She's…alive…"

Kakyou nodded. "It was my idea to say she died. Hokuto said…she said you would never come after her, that once you were clan head, you would never take her. But I…." He looked away. "How was I to know?"

"But I…" Subaru's eyes went wide. He grabbed Kakyou's hand. "Don't ever let them know! I've refused the headship. And if Grandmother ever learned that….that there was still a way to keep the line unbroken, she might…." His voice fell low. "What have I done?" he whispered. "If they come searching for me, and they find her….!"

"Calm down." Kakyou's voice was comforting. "Don't you think this has happened before? Don't you think they came to see if the rumor was true? I can protect my child." There was something fierce in his voice, something Subaru would never have expected from the gentle man. "She's my entire life. She saved me from dying when she was…just a tiny babe." Those golden eyes were distant. "The blade didn't strike deep enough, and I awoke, in such pain you….you can't imagine." A weary smile. "And the midwife, that old matron who's watched over my own birth, placed this little, wriggling bundle into my arms. I saw my daughter for the first time. I knew…I _knew_…that no matter how much it hurt, I had to heal, I had to stay alive. For her. For my Hokuto's child."

Jealously coursed through Subaru's veins. Here…here was what his life should have been. Purpose. Meaning. Something to keep him from…

"I think…I know what you mean," Subaru said hesitantly. "I…there is someone who…doesn't want me to die." Saying it out loud made it stronger. "There's someone who…makes me want to stay alive."

"Then why are you here?" Kakyou asked gently. "If I may ask."

"He doesn't care about me any more. I've hurt him too much."

"That can't be true." Subaru could see why Hokuto…why she loved him. He was so gentle, so comforting, just like she was. His quiet strength would have been perfect with her enthusiasm, her energy.

"He said so." Subaru didn't realize how foolish he sounded until the words were out of his mouth. "He was so angry at me…because I can't be happy. Not with her dead." He buried his face in his arms. "No matter how happy I think I am, the moment I think of her, I…feel so ashamed. How can I be happy without her?"

"I am happy."

Subaru looked up. He couldn't say anything.

Kakyou saw his struggle. "Why don't you stay here a few days? Let Kyouto get to know her uncle." He paused. "We…we can go to her grave, if you want. You can see how she lived here."

Subaru nodded. Maybe…if he could see how Kakyou could be happy, he could….he could be happy too.

* * *

Author's note: Ummm…that went a little too long.

I'll spare you the usual 'oh, how this sucks terribly' rant. I'm positive now—one last chapter and an epilogue.

So…yeah. Subaru and Kakyou. Oh, and Kyouto, of course. Envision Utako from CLAMP's _Man of Many Faces_ for her.

Bleaugh, I have absolutely nothing to say. Expect the last chapter to take about as long as this chapter to complete, being as how I have summer school and lack of computer access now. Yuck.


	6. Part 6

"The Darkest Night" (Part 6)

by Sakura no Miko

Pairing: Subaru/Seishirou

Warnings: Major, major disturbing content involving various forms of suicide/euthanasia, abortion, and outright murder. Worse, actual sympathy and glorification of such actions. Anyone who values life as a "gift of God" or whatever deity/power you choose should probably stay away from this 'fic. Oh, and character deaths, yaoi, angst…the usual for these two.

Summary: Subaru, after a stay with Kakyou and Kyouto, finds the truth he's been seeking.

Disclaimer: Sorry, but CLAMP would never have an actual ending like this. So I still don't own these lovely characters—except Kyouto-chan. She's all mine. Cuddle, cuddle.

* * *

If it was possible, Subaru had managed to fall in love again.

His darling niece, a tiny, energetic little girl of about five, had earned his eternal adoration. She was so very like Hokuto, but it was easy to see the traces of Kakyou's personality in her, too. Her clothing was decidedly less frilly than Hokuto's had been, but the bright colors were still there. And she always put together her own outfits, matching this cloak with those shoes, or this ribbon with those jewels.

Kakyou spoiled her. And Subaru, had he the means, would certainly have spoiled her more.

It was hard to look at her and not imagine the clothes Hokuto had worn. And, certainly, it wouldn't be so hard to change that. No one had dared to touch Hokuto's things after she left. Surely, if he just went to her room, all of her old dresses would be there, waiting to be placed on her daughter's small frame.

…but…

Subaru admitted it to himself, and himself alone. He was scared. Scared to look no her things, to remember all those happy little things he'd never know again. Every piece of material held something for him—a memory of celebration, of long, candle-lit nights of talented needlework, of joyful moments of surprise as he first laid eyes on his sister's newest creation.

More so…he was scared to look his grandmother in the eye and tell her, to her face, that he was indeed leaving the family, breaking their unbroken line, refusing the task that he and Hokuto had tried so hard to become worthy of. At least…he thought they'd both been working for it. Hadn't their entire lives been dedicated to their duties?

Subaru's head ached. He knew he'd only wanted to be clan head, and so had she. Yet…they'd both found such happiness elsewhere…

How…?

How could they just give up their entire lives?

Subaru laid his head in his hands. It ached to think about it. It ached…

He turned his thoughts. He'd gone with Kyouto to the market the day before. She was quite used to the task of gathering food for dinner, and knew every merchant in the market.

He'd balked a little at the stares, the whispers, until Kyouto grabbed his hand and said, in a loud whisper, "It's just because you look like Mama. They haven't seen Mama for a long time." She smiled brightly. "And you look like me, too!"

Subaru had a sudden image of Kyouto and himself, in matching outfits, as she pulled him around the marketplace. He made a mental note never to let her see the clothes Hokuto had made for him.

Word passed around quickly about the traveling healer who was the Lady Hokuto's brother, and it seemed that the market became very crowded suddenly. Everyone seemed to want to see him, many stunned at how very much like his sister he was. Subaru took it all as well as he could. Even as a child, everyone had always commented on how alike the siblings were. He was proud, certainly, especially when one of the matrons, nearly blind, let out a cry of joy at "being able to see the Lady again." But it also annoyed him—least of all because of all the comments that declared him "pretty" and "beautiful."

It felt so…fake. Because, after all, none of them cared about him. No…they'd loved Hokuto, and thought she'd come back to them.

Kyouto squeezed his hand. "We need to finish shopping!" she said, effectively thinning the crowd. "What do like to eat, Uncle Subaru?"

Subaru felt better as the crowd dissipated. He was never good at dealing with many people. "Well, I know a very delicious cake I could make," he said, a hint of a tease in his voice.

Kyouto put her hands on her hips. "But cake is for after dinner," she said seriously. Then she leaned forward, and Subaru leaned down to hear her whisper in his ear, "Is it a really good cake?"

"Yes," Subaru whispered.

Kyouto looked conflicted. "Okay," she said finally, "but only if we eat something else, too." She made a face. "Something that we're suppose to eat, like vegetables."

Subaru looked at her thoughtfully, exaggerating just a bit. "Well, I do know a nice stew you could put vegetables in." He smiled. "As few or as many as you want."

"Really!"

Subaru nodded. "Of course. Seishirou doesn't really like…." He trailed off. "He didn't like vegetables, either."

Kyouto looked up at him, worried by the sudden change of his expression. "Who's…Sei…seihi…"

"Seishirou," Subaru said gently. "He's…the healer I used to live with. He taught me how to cook." A flicker of a smile, remembering those lessons.

"But why are you sad?"

"We had a…fight," Subaru said, looking for the right words for the small girl. "And we said some very mean things to each other. Things we…we didn't mean." He paused. Almost to himself, he said, "Things I hope we didn't mean."

"Then say you're sorry," Kyouto said softly. "Papa says that when you get mad, you should always say you're sorry."

"I know." Subaru had the impulse to hug the little girl, an echo of his true desire—to be held by someone, cradled by their strength, comforted gently. "But not now. Not yet."

Kyouto nodded solemnly. "Okay."

She took his hand, as if he were the child, and they went to the task of gathering the ingredients—even the hated vegetables—for their dinner.

* * *

At least he could say he'd tried.

Subaru had, unsuccessfully, tried to start showing Kyouto how to cook. She managed to break and egg or two, and Subaru relished the closeness they had in that moment, her tiny fingers grasping the fragile egg like some treasure. He was teaching hers, showing her with his own hands. It was…so amazing, to watch her copy his every move, so meticulous, so careful, so gentle.

But when Kyouto heard that one of her friends was visiting, she quickly sped off, more interested by the thought of dolls and make-believe than the gritty, hot kitchen. Subaru sighed. Maybe she was too young, after all. And she probably didn't need to see the rather nasty mess of uncooked meats and other unsavory items that would, soon, become a delicious meal.

It was hours later when she returned, lured in by the sweet smells of food. She waved her hands vigorously until she caught Subaru's attention, than smiled at him, almost shyly. "Look!" she said, and thrust out a small rag-doll at him.

Subaru picked up the doll, examining it. It had two green button-eyes, bits of black yarn for hair—though the yarn had been undone at the top, and instead of long, braid-like looks, the doll had a short, spiky sort of hair. She wore a red dress with little pieces of lace and glittery strips of some other cloth.

It…looked kind of like…

"Do you like it? Do you like it?" Kyouto bounced around. "My friend showed me how to make it!" She looked down at her shoes. "It's a…a Mama doll."

Subaru smiled. "It looks just like her," he said gently.

"Really!" Kyouto smiled brightly. "My friend sewed it up for me, but I picked all the pieces. I had to look for a long time to find green buttons like Mama's eyes." She wriggled again and looked away. "And your eyes. They're...really pretty, Uncle Subaru."

"So are yours," Subaru said. He adored her, he truly did. He fingered the doll lightly. So this was how she remembered—no, this was how she'd some to know her mother. Fancy clothes, green eyes, short, wild hair…a picture, a still image, but still full of energy, somehow.

For the first time, Subaru wished for Hokuto's life, but not for himself. Not because he loved, he missed her, he wanted her love again. No…

He wished, with all his heart, that Kyouto had her mother, that she could see how alike they were. It was such a comfort to know that there was someone, somewhere, just like you, able to understand you. That was why he missed her so.

He wished Kakyou could have his beloved back, and the thought didn't disgust him, didn't make him flinch. If Subaru felt even a glimpse of the pain Kakyou did… He shuddered at the thought of Seishirou dying. Even when he'd "hated" the man, even when he'd been furious beyond words, even when he'd wanted to die, he'd never, never even thought of Seishirou dying. And now that he did, it made his stomach churn, tie itself into knots.

Everything would be perfect if Hokuto were here. Everyone would be happy. So why did she have to die! Why…?

"Uncle…?" Kyouto looked up at him with worried eyes. "Are you crying, Uncle Subaru?"

Subaru dabbed at his eyes, which were, he discovered, moist. "No," he lied, trying to smile. "It's just…so hot in here my eyes hurt." He didn't notice how his hand tightened around the doll until Kyouto shrieked in alarm. He looked down, ashamed. The seams had popped open, the stuffed insides squeezed out, leaving the little doll limp in his hand. Limp…

"I'm…so sorry," he whispered, almost gasping the words. "I didn't mean to…"

Kyouto tried to pry the poor doll out of his fingers, and it took him a moment to notice and loosen his fingers. "It's okay," she said, even though she looked far from okay herself. "I can fix it…" She cradled the doll, making sure no more of its stuffing could escape.

Subaru leaned down to hug her. "I'm so sorry," he said again. "I…I was just thinking…" There was no harm in the truth, was there? "…about how much I wish I could see your Mama right now."

"I wanna see Mama, too," Kyouto said, very close to his ear. "That's why I made her."

Subaru blinked, momentarily confused. Oh, he understood, suddenly. The doll. He winced. He'd…practically destroyed the poor thing.

"I'll make another one."

Subaru jerked back, startled. Had he damaged it so badly? "I thought you could fix it?"

Kyouto smiled at him and shook her head. "Not for me, for you!" she said. "So you can see Mama whenever you want to, just like me!"

Subaru's breath caught in his throat. He couldn't speak.

Kyouto leaned up and kissed his cheek. "It won't take long, I promise!" she said, bouncing out of the kitchen. Subaru watched after her, stunned.

He hadn't had a chance to thank her.

* * *

It started snowing the next day. A light sort of snow—the kind that romantics loved to write about in their poems.

The kind of day…for remembering things…

As the snow started to fall lightly, Kakyou came looking for him. Kyouto was with him. Kakyou still used his wheelchair, though he was no longer bound to it as he had been when they'd first met. Kyouto was walking next to his chair, looking almost somber.

She smiled when she saw Subaru and thrust out the doll. "For you," she said.

"Already?" Subaru said, surprised.

Kyouto shook her head. "I fixed her up already. You're sad right now." Her smile faltered a little. "And Papa said you're…you're going to go see Mama today. I always take her with me to see Mama. So you should, too."

"Are you sure?"

"Mmm-hmmm. She likes you, Uncle Subaru."

"Thank you." Subaru took the doll in his hands and gave it a kiss. Kyouto giggled. Subaru leaned over and gave her a kiss on the cheek, too.

"Subaru," Kakyou said, catching both of their attentions. "You'll need your coat. Kyouto, can you go fetch it for him?"

Kyouto nodded and ran off to find the garment.

"She adores you," Kakyou said fondly as he watched her leave. "She's been so happy since you came here." He smiled self-depreciatingly. "I think…it's hard on her, never knowing Hokuto. Never seeing a face that looks like her own. Never…having a mother."

"She still has you."

"But I am only me." He looked away, an almost palpable weariness seeming to take him over. "I…I wonder if that's enough for her."

"Of course it is." Subaru leaned over, meeting Kakyou's dark eyes. "Don't ever doubt that." Overcome by a sudden urge, he leaned forward and hugged the man, his hands brushing over long strands of hair.

Kakyou surrendered to the embrace, just for a moment before gently pushing Subaru away. "You're too much like Hokuto," he said softly.

"Oh," Subaru said, and he blushed slightly. "Sorry. I just…"

Kakyou smiled again. "That's just what she'd say, too."

Subaru blushed even redder, but he nodded. "Does it bother you?"

"In a way, yes." Kakyou's eyes narrowed. "I know you're not her, and yet…" He stared silently at the floor for a moment. "Forgive me. I'm being rude. You can't help your appearance, or your manner…"

"And you can't help seeing her in me. It's alright, Kakyou." Subaru leaned forward again, almost, but not quite touching Kakyou's hands. "Don't…don't forget her. Even if you see her every time you look at me." He gave a tiny, almost devilish smile. "You wouldn't be the first, you know."

Kakyou chuckled, despite himself. "I'll never forget her," he said seriously. "I don't think either of us will."

* * *

Hokuto's grave was…so simple.

She would have complained 'til the end of the world if she'd known that hers would be a simple stone, buried on a simple piece of land, decorated with simple arrangements of flowers and other little decorations.

There wasn't even a holiday theme or a trace of glitter to be found.

Subaru took a deep breath and knelt down, forgetting that the snow was not only cold, but wet. There was something…something stirring within him that he couldn't explain. Here she was, flesh and bone, buried in the cold earth.

His memories seemed to shatter. He couldn't see her face. He couldn't hear her voice. He couldn't…he couldn't…

Kakyou gently touched his shoulder, a silent comfort.

"Leave me alone," Subaru said. "Please." He listened as Kakyou's footsteps faded away.

So this…this was it. This was truly the end. This was Hokuto, dead and gone and…

"I miss you," he whispered. It was a small comfort, to imagine she heard his voice, that she might whisper back, somehow. "I'm so ashamed. I'd forgotten you so easily…"

He started to sniffle. Seishirou would laugh if he could see him now. How stupid he was, getting all worked up over nothing! But it wasn't stupid, not to Subaru. Once Seishirou saw that, he'd pull the boy close and hold him tight, offering his own sort of comfort…

Subaru opened his eyes. A light breeze blew past him, tickling his hair. He felt disgusted with himself. Even here, at his sister's grave, he couldn't help but think of Seishirou! Why…?

"Hokuto…Sister…" he whispered again. "I miss you so much, but…it's not the same anymore. I want to die, but I want to live, too. I can't…I can't decide…" He stared at the gravestone, as if expecting an answer. "I know you wouldn't want me to…to take my life…but it hurts so much I can't stand it." He was crying, but the tears were hot and slid down his freezing cheeks like the first melting snows of spring.

He started again. "And Seishirou… I want to be with him. I want him so much. But he doesn't care about me. He _can't_ care." He wiped his eyes. "I can't be with you and I can't be with him and I…." His breath was ragged, his throat aching from the icy air he was breathing. "I want to be with someone. I don't want to be alone." He reached out, his numb fingers just touching the stone. "I want to be happy, like we were. But how can I be happy without you?"

He fell silent, his throat hurting too much to go on. He shivered, his legs almost buckling under him. Seishirou's coat clung to him like a second skin, and he was grateful for the warmth.

It began to snow again. Such a beautiful season… "We used to love the snow, didn't we, Hokuto?" he said, perhaps only in his mind. "We watched the snowflakes fall from the mansion, snuggled up next to the fire." He scooped up a bit of the snow, savoring the feeling. "You know, I taught Seishirou how to watch the snow fall last winter. He complained at first, but I thought I saw him smile, at least once." The snow dropped back to the ground. It was almost like he _was_ talking to her again, and the thought made him feel better.

"I wonder what you'd think of Seishirou," he said thoughtfully. The words just tumbled out of his mouth now. "You wouldn't have liked him at first. He's too mean. But I think you'd start to see him the way I do, eventually. I think you'd like him."

The wind blew again. Every time Subaru shrank back into the soft folds of the coat, he felt as if he were running away. Running back into Seishirou's arms. Yet, in some ways, it wasn't all that different from running into Hokuto's arms.

"I was so mad at you when you left me, Hokuto. I wanted to die. I thought he would kill me." If he listened, he could almost hear her gasp from deep in his memories. He could almost hear her chastise him. "I know, I know," he said, as if replying. "I promise I'll never do anything so stupid again…" His eyes went wide and he smiled sadly. "I already made that promise to him…"

He shook his head. "Of course, I never would have even thought of such a thing if you hadn't left me." He realized his words and hastily amended them. "I'm not blaming you, Hokuto. It's just that…I've seen so much, and done so many things you'd…you'd never have approved of. I've killed people, Hokuto. With my own hands. And I…I was happy to do it."

His hands were trembling. "I've changed so much since I last saw you. I felt more pain then I ever thought I could. But…" He trailed off. I ached to even think the words. "I'm so guilty, so full of sins. I've deserved this pain. It was my fault. I turned you away. I…" Subaru let out a weak sob. "I…I hated you, Hokuto. I hated you for leaving me. I hated you for being happy without me. I wanted you for having everything we always wanted to have. You had your prince, and your freedom, and your beautiful child….just like the fairy tales we used to read. And I…" His voice broke. "I had nothing! I was all alone, without even you to give me hope. I hated you, and I was so happy to drive you away…"

He slumped forward, his fingers ghosting across the stone, across her name, set there forever. "But I didn't want you to die!" Subaru slammed his fist into the ground, fortunately hitting the snow instead. "I didn't want that, Hokuto. Didn't you know that? Why couldn't you hold on? You were so much stronger than me, and you couldn't…you couldn't have stayed here with us? With your own daughter? With your husband?" He took a deep, heaving breath. "Even if you hated me, couldn't you have stayed for them?"

Subaru sank down into the snow. "I should just die here," he muttered. "But I made that…stupid promise." His anger had finally fizzled out, leaving him feeling empty and weak. "Hokuto…if you hadn't left, none of this would have happened." He weakly snuggled into the coat's embrace. "None of this…" He tugged absently at the folds of the coat. "…would have…" His hand brushed over a soft lump in one of the pockets, and he pulled out the doll Kyouto had given him.

Something connected in his mind. "…happened?" he finished, his mind trying to catch up with the strange illumination that suddenly seemed to fill his vision. "If you hadn't left, we…we'd still be back in the Sumeragi house. We'd probably be clan heads by now." Somehow, the thought didn't fill him with much joy. "Grandmother would probably be arranging our fiancées by now. She was so angry at you for running off with a low-born lord like Kakyou…and she's still fuming about me and Seishirou…" He chuckled. "Still, at least you gave her a child. Kyouto's eyes are so pretty, and I have Kakyou to thank for that."

That was it. "Kyouto…wouldn't be here, though, would she? If you hadn't…with Kakyou…" He gasped. "And Seishirou…I wouldn't have met Seishirou, would I?"

Time stopped, turning an instant into a lifetime.

He would never have met Seishirou…that arrogant, cruel man…that man who saved so many lives, and ended as many…that man who felt nothing.

That man who…broke through the coldness and made him feel warmth again…

"I lost you…to gain him. Not exactly a fair trade." Subaru managed a weak smile. He could see her smile at him, hear her laugh. "But then again…you lost me to gain them. So I guess we're even, aren't we?"

Something glittered on the stone. Subaru leaned forward, wiping off the snow that had settled. There was some sort of plate underneath the inscription. With numb fingers, he pried it open.

Hokuto's smiling face shined back at him, exactly as he remembered her, captured in a picture forever.

Subaru could hear her warm laughter on the wind. "I guess I know what I have to do, then." He kissed the picture. "Bye Sis," he said, as if they'd never been apart. "I'll miss you."

Subaru no longer felt the cold. Home. He was going home, and the thought thrilled him more than he'd have ever admitted before. Seishirou was going to be mad at him. He'd have to fight off his family every day. And…he was going to have to accept that Hokuto was truly gone from his life.

But…it would be the life he'd chosen, with the man he loved, doing the work he wanted to do. It would be his happiness.

He startled Kakyou by enthusiastically embracing him. "I'm going home," he said, meeting Kakyou's shocked eyes. "Tell Kyouto…" A flash of inspiration hit him. "Tell her I'm going to say I'm sorry."

Kakyou stared at him, looking rather unnerved.

Subaru noticed. "Sorry," he said sheepishly. "I don't mean to…"

"I've never seen you smile."

"What?" Subaru blinked.

"Hokuto always smiled and made everything brighter. But you…you've always seemed so sad, so distant." Kakyou shook his head. "I just realized that I've never…seen _you_ smile."

There was still some last shadow of guilt in Subaru's heart. "Do you think," he asked, seriousness creeping through, "she'd want us to be happy without her?"

Kakyou sighed. "What a foolish question. Of course she would." He looked Subaru right in the eyes. "You don't need me to tell you that."

"No…but it's good to hear. After all, you knew her better than anyone."

"Perhaps." Kakyou motioned towards the snow. "Shouldn't you go before it starts snowing harder?"

"Oh, yes…" Subaru blushed. "Yes, I should get going."

"Subaru…?"

"Yes?"

"Don't make Kyouto wait too long for a visit." Back to that teasing sort of mood. It suited him better, Subaru thought, than the dark sadness he'd seen when they met.

"Of course not!" Kakyou probably thought the same thing about him. And Seishirou…how would he react, Subaru wondered.

Oh, well. There would be plenty of time to think about that when he got back.

…back _home_…

…back where he belonged…

* * *

Author's note: Okay, so I didn't quite get to Seishirou in this chapter. I didn't think anyone would mind if I played with Kyouto-chan a little longer. ;)

That ending scene came out differently than I thought. Originally I had Kakyou playing an integral part in Subaru's final realization. It was supposed to have been that line, "Do you think she'd want us to be happy without her," that clinched it.

Oh well. I think I like this better. The talking-to-Hokuto bit was actually supposed to be in the next part, but I think I have something else in mind…


	7. Part 7

"The Darkest Night" (Part 7)

by Sakura no Miko

Pairing: Subaru/Seishirou

Warnings: Major, major disturbing content involving various forms of suicide/euthanasia, abortion, and outright murder. Worse, actual _sympathy_ and **_glorification_** of such actions. Anyone who values life as a "gift of God" or whatever deity/power you choose should probably stay away from this 'fic. Oh, and character deaths, yaoi, angst…the usual for these two.

Summary: Subaru returns home, only to realize that Seishirou wasn't as uncaring as he thought.

Disclaimer: I have a much cooler disclaimer for the next chapter, so ignore this one.

* * *

This wasn't what Subaru had in mind. 

Happiness gave way to confusion, and confusion to downright panic.

Emptiness, darkness, coldness. No lights—that didn't mean anything. There was still enough sunlight to see things clearly. No noise—that had happened before. There were slower days, or days when all the patients were older, quieter, less prone to random cries and tantrums.

But even those small excuses fell silent when he beheld, for the first time, that there simply were no people anywhere.

No patients, no parents, no beggars, no desperate death-seekers—and no healer, either. It scared him in a way he hadn't felt since…since he'd first walked into Hokuto's room after she left. That finality, that dark, deep sense that she was _gone_.

Subaru found the hospital locked. He first wandered to the back door, slightly surprised to find it locked. It was rare, but it had happened before, when someone was contagious. Had that happened again? He went to the main doors and stood there, stunned. Locked, yes, but it wasn't that. The door was sealed up with the mark of the Sumeragi clan—a mark that, Subaru knew all too well, meant that something had happened to cause the clan to intervene. Something had made them—and not Seishirou—close up the place.

It made him feel violated, seeing that damned mark on the door to his home, to the hospital that was Seishirou's, and Seishirou's alone. His _home_, blackened with that mark. Seishirou's home. Their home…!

The house was open, by fortune, and he walked in, looking around almost desperately to try and understand. The house looked as though nothing had been touched in days. Dirt on the floors, plates in the wash, and no sign of life anywhere.

It must have been some sort of emergency, something horrible, Subaru told himself. An epidemic, or _something_. Something to make everyone abandon…abandon their home like this.

Maybe someone would come back…?

His hopes went up when he found fresh food in the kitchen. Someone had to be here, and, he realized happily, it had to be Seishirou. He'd never let some stranger into the house. Subaru set himself to the task of cooking for two with an enthusiasm he hadn't felt in years. He'd always enjoyed the work, but…the self-consciousness of that joy had escaped him, day by day, until he took it for granted. The work made him feel better, drawing his mind from the dark thoughts and questions filling it. It was so easy to lose himself in the tiny details, letting his mind wander back to days upon days when he'd stood there, doing exactly the same thing, as if he'd never stopped.

He'd always been like that, he supposed—always immersing himself in work to take his mind off the things he didn't want to think about. His grandmother had been happy with his "dedication," never realizing that he wasn't listening to the words he was reciting, or the exercises her was repeating. Only Hokuto had ever seen the blankness in his eyes, the silent wish to be taken someplace far, far away, where there was nothing to make him ache so much.

Subaru heard a noise. Someone was coming. Subaru drew himself back, against the wall. He was sure only Seishirou would be here, but those footsteps—unsteady, heavy footsteps—didn't sound like the healer.

He muffled a gasp when the figure came into view. The man stood stiffly, leaning on one leg, than the other, as if neither could support his weight. His clothes hung on him far too loosely, giving him a haggard, worn look. Subaru watched the poor creature turn this way and that, his head bowed, so utterly…utterly lost. Perhaps there were still patients here…?

He opened his mouth, but the question died on his lips. The man had turned towards him, his profile darkened by the lack of light, but obviously looking towards him. He didn't move for the longest time. The man was _staring_ at him, Subaru realized uncomfortably. He took a deep breath, struggling to meet the man's eye.

And then it was over. The man started his slow, almost limping steps again, as if he hadn't seen anything at all. Subaru stared for a moment. "Wait…" he mumbled, taking a clumsy step forward. He grabbed the man's sleeve, trying to catch his attention, and stopped, utterly and completely stunned, as the man shifted enough to give Subaru a clear look at his face.

…Seishirou…?

"You're not supposed to be here."

It _was_ Seishirou—the voice alone told him that—but he looked…so strange. Dark lines marred his eyes, and he stared, blankly, at Subaru for a moment before looking away.

"What are you doing here?" he said, simple and flat.

"This is my home," Subaru said softly. Something told him to choose his words carefully. He could feel…something wrong. "Where else am I supposed to go?" He smiled, trying to lighten the mood. "Where else would I _want_ to be?"

"You don't belong here." Seishirou waved his hand dismissively. His voice was soft, so terribly soft.

"What?" Subaru couldn't keep his voice steady. "Sei—" He moved forward, slowly. He dared to grab Seishirou from behind, feeling the man stiffen, and buried his face against the older man's back, staring into the dark fabric and trying to calm down. "What happened here?" he asked.

"You don't know?" Seishirou shifted his weight, and Subaru shook his head, even though Seishirou couldn't really see him. "Silly little ghost."

Subaru's eyes went wide. "Ghost?" he echoed faintly. He clumsily moved around Seishirou, so he was standing in front of him. He tried to look the healer in his eyes—darkened, bloodshot eyes—but Seishirou turned away.

"You should…go on. Go to the next life. Go to Heaven. Go to Hell. Just…leave me alone." Seishirou's shoulders slumped. "I don't…I don't want to see you anymore."

Subaru grabbed his arm. "Look," he said softly. He pulled back a sleeve, exposing the thin, almost non-existent line left on his wrist. Seishirou stared, then, tentatively, drew his fingers across the thin bit of raised flesh. "See?" Subaru whispered softly, soothingly. "I'm right here. I'm not hurt. I—"

Seishirou jerked forward, pulling Subaru sharply forward. He hit the floor roughly. Seishirou turned back to look at him, seething, furious. "You've haunted me for long enough," he said, his voice almost frantic, nothing like his usual self. "But you'll fade away. You're nothing but an illusion! Mocking me every day and night, every waking moment and sleepless delirium." He started to laugh, a rasping, black sound. "I saw the blood, but I didn't believe. My Subaru couldn't have done it."

"I _didn't_ do it!" Subaru shouted, his voice echoing in the empty room. He was so close to panicking, so very, very close to screaming or sobbing or just…just giving up…

Seishirou quieted, staring at him as if he'd said something shocking. "Maybe you believe that," he said, and his voice was so cold, so _dead_ Subaru shivered. There was so much pain in that voice, pain Seishirou had never shown him before.

"Maybe _you_ do," Subaru shot back. "Do you want me to be dead that badly?" He angrily stared Seishirou in the eyes until the older man looked away. "Do you…?" He laughed bitterly, but shook his head. The anger faded away. "Liar," he whispered. He leaned forward to grab Seishirou's hand. "You would have killed me long ago."

Seishirou squeezed his hand painfully, and he pulled it back. "Seishirou…? What—" His words died when Seishirou's hands wrapped painfully around his throat. "Sei—!" he tried to choke out, unsuccessfully, when Seishirou's hands tightened, cutting off his breaths.

"You…" Seishirou whispered. "You have the nerve to come back to me, you stupid ghost? Does it please you, to see what you've done to me?" Subaru moaned feebly, his head spinning. "You're just like her, you know that? You take pleasure in watching me suffer!"

Subaru tried to shake his head. He realized with a start that Seishirou's grip wasn't nearly as tight as he'd have expected. He could catch just the hint of a breath…

"I haven't eaten… I haven't slept… surrounded by these filthy, wretched creatures, I…I…" Seishirou hissed. Subaru strained to listen above the rush of blood in his ears. "It shouldn't have meant anything. You would have returned, miserable and defeated, like you always did. But you finally…you finally decided to drop the act, didn't you? And I was a fool to have believed you."

"…_no_…!" Subaru threw all of his breath into that word and almost blacked out. He probably did, for a few seconds. His hands roughly snatched at Seishirou's, drawing blood with their ragged, grasping movements.

"…it was your fault, all of it!" Subaru heard a few of the words. What was…what was he talking about? "You changed me. You cursed me. You couldn't stay away, could you? You couldn't bear to live your life alone, and you wouldn't even die peacefully!"

Subaru was gasping, choking…screaming in silence…

"I replaced you," Seishirou hissed, taking a long, hard breath. "So easily. With money, with men. I ate the finest foods in the world. I took in the most talented assistants, men who would bow to my every command without a thought. I watched and I laughed at those disgusting creatures that style themselves as being my _equal_." Seishirou viciously pushed Subaru down to his knees, almost gasping from the viciousness of his voice. The blood roared in Subaru's ear, making him nearly deaf, unable to hear anything but Seishirou's wordless, wounded cries.

Seishirou stared down, heaving, eyes bloodshot, voice hoarse…and his hands grew so tight that Subaru flew straight into a panic, clawing senselessly at his arms. "The winter nights are so cold. Did you ever know how cold they were?" he whispered, and something like tears glittered in his eyes. "So cold that even…even taking the most talented whores into your bed couldn't melt the ice within you." He grinned evilly. "Not even you…"

He squeezed, once, hard enough to make Subaru's eyes roll back. He watched, and Subaru's body tensed, so very, very close to falling limp. Watched, and watched, and…finally let go.

Subaru choked, and Seishirou's fingers dug into his shoulder, forcing him to stay on his knees. "On a winter's night like this, when there's nothing but the darkness to embrace you…" Seishirou whispered, his voice raw, trembling, "then you see the world for what it really is. A vast and empty plain, where all the beautiful things have died."

Seishirou's eyes grew glassy, and Subaru decided to take his chance. He leaned back, shifting his weight just enough to fall backwards. When his back hit the floor, he kicked with all his might…

…and Seishirou fell limply to the ground, like a feather.

Subaru took in a few gasping breaths, and stood up. The dizziness almost made him fall over again. "…Sei…?" he managed, slowly moving towards Seishirou's prone body. He should have been scared, Subaru thought to himself, but he wasn't. Seishirou had his chance…and this time, for certain, he had chosen not to kill him. Seishirou was still breathing, staring blankly at the ceiling. "You're bleeding," he added lamely, wincing at the sting in his throat.

"Subaru?" Seishirou moved a little, raising his hand up. Subaru closed his eyes, expecting pain, but Seishirou gently caressed his cheek, calming his racing heart. "You're here," he said, so simply, so childishly, Subaru almost laughed.

"Yeah…" Seishirou's eyes had grown darker, and his breaths were harsh. "I'm here now. Don't worry."

Somehow, he managed to get Seishirou up and drag him to the bed. He threw back the covers, noting that the bed looked as if no one had been sleeping in it. To his surprise, Seishirou offered no objections as he pulled them in. He squirmed out of his coat, tossing it aside, and sat up against the pillows, observing the older man as he settled into the bed. Leaning over his side of the bed, he worked to bandage Seishirou's arm, surprised to hear soft, pained noises as he applied the medicines. He'd never heard Seishirou cry out before.

Silence reigned for a long moment, except for the soft rustlings of movement on the bed as they struggled to get comfortable. Subaru closed his eyes for a moment, trying, unsuccessfully, to clear his head. His throat was aching, his head was throbbing, he was full of aches and pains and completely confused and…

Seishirou moved suddenly, startling him. He watched curiously as the man moved towards him and laid his head on Subaru's stomach.

"What are you…?" Subaru trailed off as Seishirou's arms crept around his waist. He nuzzled against Subaru's stomach, such an intimate gesture…

"Why did you come back, silly little ghost?" Seishirou whispered against Subaru's stomach, the soft warmth lulling him into sweet sleepiness.

Subaru stared down at Seishirou's dark hair, unable to see his face. Ghost. Seishirou sounded so…resigned, so sad. Whatever waking dream held him, it wasn't about to let go. Seishirou still thought he was dead. "Because I love you," Subaru replied simply.

"You would…say that…" Seishirou said between yawns, great breaths that tickled Subaru's skin. He pushed Seishirou away, just a bit, and moved to lie flat on the bed. Seishirou pulled himself further up Subaru's body, resting now on his chest. He weakly thumped his fingers against Subaru very-solid flesh—weakly tapping out the rhythm of Subaru's heartbeat. He stared off for a few moments, half-asleep, and Subaru gently caressed his back, tracing soft patterns with his fingers. It was fascinating, somehow, to watch the way Seishirou reacted, arching back into the touch, almost trembling. Always so sensitive there, Subaru thought to himself, trialing his fingers along bones and flesh, contours and soft plains.

…so sensitive…so much…_feeling_…

Subaru pulled the covers up around them both, resuming his soft touches. Seishirou's fingers eventually stilled, and his breaths quieted. Subaru watched him for a moment, before finally lying down to sleep himself.

* * *

Three dark days passed. Seishirou rarely regained consciousness, and, even in those brief moments, he stared straight ahead, almost blindly, as if he couldn't see or remember Subaru. 

Subaru watched anxiously, trying to make sense of Seishirou's rambling whispers, the way he moaned in his sleep, the desperate grasps at his hand in the night. He tried to get the man to eat, even just a little bit of bread and soup. He tried to coax a complete story, or even a few answers, out of the healer's mouth. He tried everything he could think of, but Seishirou remained sick.

Subaru worried, fretted, and almost—just almost—despaired.

It was easy to see that Seishirou hadn't been exaggerating. He was so thin, so pale and gaunt. Subaru repressed a shudder, remembering his own dark days of sleeplessness and refusing to eat. After a while, he thought darkly, it just didn't matter anymore. After a while, it wasn't even living anymore, just existing, on and on, through the cheerless, dreary days.

Subaru winced. His Seishirou, his strong, assuring Seishirou, had become only a whisper's difference away from the way Subaru himself had been when he'd first come. And now…now he had to be Seishirou. He had to be the strong one, when all he wanted was to be weak.

The brief moments of rest were invaluable to him. The few minutes in the night when Seishirou, deeply entangled in his dreams, brought his arms around Subaru's tired, aching form, warm and comforting, instinctively reaching for him, and him alone. The little moments when, as if time had stopped, Seishirou's body ceased thrashing and laid still, just long enough for Subaru to stroke his hair, caress his cheek.

And then...then there were the mornings like this one, where he simply couldn't move, exhausted and sick to his stomach at the thought of watching Seishirou suffer again. He hadn't been able to sleep until late into the night, and when he sank into the soft bed, he couldn't think or move. Subaru almost cried when Seishirou held him in his sleep. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair. All he'd wanted...was to come back, and have everything go back to the way it was before. He probably deserved this—the black whispers in the back of his mind told him he did—but he didn't _want_ it.

Maybe this was what his selfishness had done to Seishirou. Maybe he should feel guilty. But he was not going to let himself fall into the same black despair that he had before, that Seishirou suffered in even now. He had to be strong. He had to protect Seishirou.

And besides, somehow he felt closer to the older healer than ever. He knew what to do, and when to do it, because he knew Seishirou's pain. He knew it deeply, instinctively—and yet, he couldn't predict how Seishirou would react. Where he wept and fell into despair, Seishirou reacted with violence, anger. Subaru didn't know if he could handle it again. As weakened as he was, Seishirou's hands had slid around his neck and...

As the memory slithered into Subaru's mind, all too real, he nuzzled up against Seishirou's prone body. Even when he was terrified of the man and what he could do, he wanted to be with him.

He fought the urge to awaken with all his might, yearning to stay in the dreams where he didn't have to think or care or feel pain. So, when he finally forced his eyes open, he was completely shocked to see the object of his dreams, very much awake, lying beside him.

Seishirou's eyes—impossibly brown and lucid—watched him almost curiously. "You're finally awake," Seishirou commented offhandedly, with that damned smirk of his.

"So are you," Subaru said back. "It's been three days already."

Seishirou looked at him quizzically. "Three days…?"

"Forget it," Subaru whispered. "Tell me what happened here."

"Lady Sumeragi shut me down," Seishirou said off-handedly. He chose that moment to stretch out his sleep-ridden body, avoiding eye contact with the younger man.

"She did _what_?"

"Shut down the hospital, sent everyone home," Seishirou said, waving his hand lazily. "She wasn't too happy."

"But why?" Subaru stared, wide-eyed, at the healer. Didn't he even care that his entire life had been taken away?

"She came looking for you. I told her you were dead." Seishirou didn't even blink an eye, but Subaru almost exploded.

He sat straight up. "You told her I was dead?" he echoed faintly. "And she didn't kill you?"

Seishirou shook his head. "I don't know. I wasn't paying much attention to her by then." He shrugged. "Besides, you'd been gone for nearly a week. By then I assumed you _were_ dead."

"I'm going to talk to her," Subaru muttered, moving to get up. "She can't…she just can't do this!"

"It's useless."

"She'll listen to me."

"People will come here regardless of what the Sumeragi clan says." Seishirou stretched himself out on the bed. "If I tell them it's safe to come back, they will." He reached to pull the younger boy back. "Stay."

Subaru frowned, but he sat back down. "Are you hungry?" he asked vaguely, still frustrated.

"No."

Subaru's eyes narrowed. "You're…not just saying that, are you?" He lowered his voice. "I mean, you…you said you weren't eating…" Subaru looked away. He sounded so foolish, didn't he?

"Don't worry about that." Seishirou put his hand under Subaru's chin, making the boy look back at him. "I just got so busy I slipped back into…old habits." Gracefully, he took Subaru's hand to his lips and kissed it. "I trust you won't let me slip back?"

Subaru shook his head. "And the sleeping?" he couldn't help but ask.

"The bed was too cold, without you here," Seishirou said, smiling so perversely that Subaru started to laugh. He pulled Subaru hand close to his face, and smiled at his, bright and childish. "I am hungry, though," he whispered, and Subaru shivered. There were so many things a person could…hunger…for…

He moved to get out of the bed. Seishirou had hardly been able to keep down his food during his sickness, so he made a light, quick soup, mostly broth, with a few soft noodles.

He watched as the man swallowed spoonful after spoonful of the plain soup he'd made up, more food than he'd eaten since Subaru returned. Seishirou was back to his old self, a hint of defiance permeating the way he forced himself to keep eating. Subaru finally stopped him, purposefully taking the bowl back and laying it on a tray to take back to the kitchen. He moved to pick up the plates.

"Wait," Seishirou said. "What…" Seishirou reached to touch his neck, but the moment he got close, Subaru jerked away. His eyes widened, and he looked away, ashamed of his reaction. "…are those?" Seishirou finished, studying Subaru with a dark look on his face. "Subaru…" Subaru didn't respond. "Subaru," he tried again. Subaru twisted around, much too slowly, and his eyes didn't meet Seishirou's. He flinched again when Seishirou reached out to touch him, but Seishirou could still see what he suspected—the fading bruises fit his hands perfectly.

"It's nothing," Subaru said, reaching to pull his shirt collar up.

"I've hurt you."

The words hung in the air. Subaru's expression was pained, but he nodded.

"I'm sorry." Seishirou leaned forward, pulling Subaru's face forward, close enough for him to kiss the boy on the lips. He saw Subaru's eyes widen, saw the subtle way his skin broke out in goose pimples. But Subaru still leaned into his embrace.

"I've hurt you too," he said, so soft Seishirou almost couldn't hear him.

"That's no excuse." Seishirou kissed at his cheek, the soft line of his neck, surprised, just for a moment, as Subaru leaned even closer to him. "You're so eager," he whispered teasingly.

Subaru buried his face against Seishirou's shirt, but made no comment to the contrary. He'd missed this, more than he'd liked to admit. It wasn't fair to say he disliked what they did, but something…something seemed so faraway, so distant in their contact. Something was always….not quite wrong, but not quite right, either.

The sensations prickled him anew—a strange cross of feelings, mixing the faint echoes of the touches he'd felt before with the ones coursing through his body right now, acutely intense and somehow…different.

When Seishirou leaned to suck at his neck, he shuddered. It hurt, the way he abused the bruises already there. Subaru tried to pull away, but Seishirou said, so tenderly, "Let me," and he couldn't resist. And he realized, when Seishirou pulled away, that the man wasn't being cruel. He couldn't erase the pain, but he could overwrite it. That spoke to Subaru's fears better than any words.

So when he kissed back, perhaps he was…eager. Eager to lose himself and his problems, to forget everything except…except what he was feeling. Eager to feel more. Eager, eager, eager…

Seishirou's kisses were slow, steady. Too slow. A dark thought Subaru's mind. "You're…still sick," he said, guilt washing over him.

Seishirou pulled away, looking him in the eye. "Exhaustion," he said evenly, "from sleep and food deprivation. I've slept, and I've eaten. Thus, there is no reason for me to be sick."

Subaru frowned. "I wouldn't let a patient get away with that," he replied, keeping his face straight, "so why should I let you, Lord Healer?"

Seishirou kissed his neck again. "True," he said, smiling a little too much. "Perhaps I should rest?"

"Perhaps," Subaru murmured, laying his head down on the pillows. He looked up at Seishirou, who grinned at him. "You scared me," he said finally.

Seishirou didn't reply. He leaned over Subaru's prone form, kissing him on the mouth instead. Subaru sighed. So he wasn't going to get any answers yet…

Maybe he didn't need them.

He was perfectly content to be with Seishirou…lying against Seishirou, kissing Seishirou, caressing Seishirou, smiling at Seishirou…loving Seishirou.

So he kissed, he caressed, he playfully nipped, and he leaned into every touch as if he'd never felt it before. And, in a way, he hadn't. He'd never let go of that little part of him that felt guilt and pain. He'd never let himself feel pleasure, or happiness, or anything good and warm and wonderful…so wonderful.

…so…very…wonderful…

He was tempted to let himself go, letting each and every sensation take hold of him until he couldn't think. He was so afraid of that—so afraid to accept, to want, to need. And, he slowly came to realize, so was Seishirou. They were both so terrified, so far into their roles that…that they almost thought this was everything. This feeble shadow.

Subaru urged himself to react, to respond, as passionately as he could. He urged himself to kiss and touch and feel. So sweet, these light touches, and so bitter, these dark fears. So much like them. So sweet, this feeling of completeness, and so bitter, the wall still between them. Sweet, bitter, sweet, bitter…

…sweet…

He found a new energy, pent up and released when he needed it most. Energy enough to kiss and hold in their most vulnerable moment. He felt the sweet triumph when Seishirou leaned down into their kisses, with a roughness, and a tenderness, that he'd never felt before. Something that was Seishirou, without the walls. Something that closed the distance between them, that distance that had always been there, ever since that first, sweet night, the night he never truly felt in his black despair.

It was strange, but…

He truly _felt_ for the first time.

So he decided, in what had to be the strangest of places and times, that he would change. He lie so closely entwined with his lover—_his lover_, he told himself proudly—that he could hear every little sound, feel every movement, as easily as if it had been his won. He didn't want to move, but he carefully, very carefully, pulled himself away, watching for any sign that he'd woken Seishirou up. The man needed his rest, after all.

"I'll be back," he said softly, kissing Seishirou's face.

Subaru would fight, this time. Fight for himself and what he wanted.

He would have to return his old home…one last time…

* * *

Author's Notes: Mmm, that took a bit longer than I wanted it to… 

How sad. I originally had this set as a four-chapter story, with an epilogue. Now it's looking to be an eight-chapter story and epilogue. Next up: Dealing with Madame Sumeragi and getting some straight answers out of Seishirou. Then an epilogue.

Do tell me how I did with Seishirou in this part. It's so hard to deal with him. If you care, he really _did_ think Subaru was dead, hence the rather…strange reaction. I'll detail that better in the next chapter. All will be explained, trust me! This part is _supposed_ to be fairly unclear and confusing.


	8. Part 8

"The Darkest Night" (Part 8)

by Sakura no Miko

Pairing: Subaru/Seishirou

Warnings: Major, major disturbing content involving various forms of suicide/euthanasia, abortion, and outright murder. Worse, actual _sympathy_ and **_glorification_** of such actions. Anyone who values life as a "gift of God" or whatever deity/power you choose should probably stay away from this 'fic. Oh, and character deaths, yaoi, angst…the usual for these two.

Summary: Subaru returns home, only to realize that he still has two things to take care of—a stubborn lover and a conniving grandmother.

Disclaimer: In the CLAMP-verse, Pandora's box would hold all of the 'evils' of manga writing—cliché endings, boring endings, clear-cut endings, and (gasp) _undeniably **happy** endings._ Of course, this very worst type of ending would be hidden in the deepest corner, under the strongest lock, never to ever see the light of…

…oops…

They just don't make box locks like they used too… ;)

* * *

The household of the Sumeragi family was at once majestic and foreboding. 

Subaru did not want to be there, no matter what the reason, but he strengthened his resolve as best he could. It was bad enough that he'd had to return, but Seishirou's explanation of his absence would make it even more of a trial. There was no doubt that his grandmother—and any other clan member who saw him—would refuse to "lose" him again, after he so miraculously returned to them.

He felt a stirring in his heart at the thought of breaking their hearts again. There were still some people here he had affection for, though they were fewer in number than they had once been.

But that was always the choice, wasn't it? The love of a family, or the love of a lover. One or the other.

He held himself with admirable calm as he walked up to the great hall and asked—or rather, demanded—to see the clan head. He didn't let the whispers and gazes unsettle him as he had in years past.

The secretary, an older woman Subaru had known as a child, only looked him steadily in the eyes and said evenly, "You do realize that Lady Sumeragi will not be happy to hear that you have come to visit?"

"She never has been," Subaru replied coldly.

The woman sighed. "At least," she mused, turning to leave, "no happier than you would be to hear Hokuto was coming to see you."

Subaru flinched. The words stung him, in a way only someone like her would know how to do. Someone who knew him. He watched her disappear into his grandmother's room, trying not to tremble, or start wriggling around impatiently. It was hard. The Sumeragi home seemed to shrink down, suffocating him with memories, with glances, with whispers.

He fiddled with the collar of his shirt, checking to make sure—again—that it hid the bruises on his neck. Winter's coldness was a blessing, allowing him to hide himself beneath layers of clothes, within Seishirou's too-large coat. He'd had worse injuries to hide in the past—remnants of failed training exercises, sparring tricks that struck a little too hard, accidents of all shapes and sizes—but he felt the need to make sure no one ever learned about these particular marks. They wouldn't understand. He couldn't explain why they were different to him—not a mark of pain, but of…apology. Forgiveness. He wouldn't have the chance to explain, anyway. They would simply hate Seishirou more for hurting their innocent, defenseless Subaru, and call on him even harder to leave the man and return home.

What fools. They saw the world so simply. Slowly, Subaru tallied up the truths he could tell them that would shock them, make them gape as if their hearts had stopped beating. He had not only forgiven Kakyou, but embraced him as a brother. He had killed…and found it the right thing to do. And he had come to love Seishirou, with all his peculiarities and darkness.

They would be so different from Seishirou. He would laugh at such statements and call Subaru 'innocent.' The Sumeragis would look at him in horror and call him 'tainted.' He chuckled. There was something strange about that.

"Subaru?" She'd returned. Subaru glanced up at her wrinkled face, surprised. She smiled at him, disturbingly close to Seishirou's smirk. Mistaking his surprise for something else, she said jokingly, "Surely you don't expect me to waste my breath calling my little boy 'Lord' or any of those other foolish titles?" Her smile gentled, and Subaru laughed, despite himself. "We're not all against you, Subaru," she said, letting her smile fade a little. "There now, you look much better with a smile on your face."

"…and my grandmother?" Subaru whispered, mindful of the reason he'd come.

"Stubborn, as always," the woman sighed. "She's been in seclusion between the appointments she couldn't avoid, and she's not eager to allow anyone else in."

"She'll see me," Subaru said confidently.

"You?" She arched an eyebrow. "You're dead, as far as she's concerned."

Subaru sighed. "She believed that too?" he said finally. What a mess.

"Lord Sakurazuka was…quite persuasive," she replied, pausing longer than she should have.

"I can imagine," Subaru muttered. He pulled the heavy hood over his face, satisfied that it would give him temporary anonymity. "If she won't see me, I'll go to see her." The woman started to move, but he stopped her, shaking her head. "No, I don't want you getting in trouble," he said, letting a hint of affection creep into his voice. She smiled at him, comforting and familiar.

He remembered these halls, these paths. Once upon a time, he'd thought of them as his own. But he…was not himself anymore. He shook his head, clearing his thoughts. That wasn't right. He was still himself, more himself than he'd ever been—just not the person he'd been the last time he'd walked these halls.

The robes of a healer clung to his frame, cleaned and scrubbed free of blood and medicines and all the other familiar scents of the hospital. They were more comfortable than the ceremonial robes he'd worn for clan meetings. _He_ was more comfortable, free of the restraints that his family put on him, as the next leader-to-be. An insignificant healer—that's all he was, now. There was no reason for him to be any different than anyone else.

Several rooms were empty, and he began to adjust to the way his heart sped up just before he opened a new door. There was nothing to fear, and yet he did. He shut the doors more forcefully that he'd intended to, leaving the sound to echo down the hall.

He was just reaching to slam the latest unfortunate door when a voice said, with an almost comical dignity, "Kindly refrain from breaking every door in the Sumeragi mansion, Lord Healer."

Subaru froze. He couldn't bring himself to turn around, to see her. He knew that voice well enough to recognize it anywhere. The room was dark, a solitary candle illuminating one corner of the room. With his back to his grandmother and the dimness of the room, he was sure to have some time before she realized who he was.

She kept speaking, fortunately saving him from that decision. "I don't know how you got in here, nor do I care," she said. "You may have a few moments to retreat before I call in the guards."

"I have business with you," Subaru said, still refusing to turn. An instant of pure, paralyzing terror gripped him, disappearing almost as instantly. "And I'm told you won't take visitors the usual way," he added quickly.

A chuckle. "It's been a long time since I've met someone so bold."

He chose his words carefully, unconsciously reverting to the ways he'd been taught, the phrases he'd learned. "I ask that you rescind the ban on the healer, Seishirou Sakurazuka." He struggled to keep himself calm, aloof. "I don't know what he did to earn your anger, but I am confident he will never do so again."

"Is that truly what you want?" He could hear the way the aged woman shifted, the almost-sigh caught in her throat.

"Yes."

"Poor boy," she whispered. "Do you even know what kind of man you are trying to help?"

"Do you?" he couldn't help but say, trying to catch hold of the anger that flared up inside him.

"A murderer. A master of manipulation. A seducer of young, innocent children," she replied coldly, "like you."

"I'm hardly a child," Subaru said, almost laughing.

"But you're hardly an adult either."

"And how do you know that?" He'd always respected her; that much he could admit. His grandmother's senses were sharp, her knowledge vast. But she was always lost in the past, in the traditions and rituals that had been passed down from the clan founder through the years. If only she…understood…

"Your words, and your voice… You're trying so hard to sound formal, and proud, when you crave to speak to me as you would any other person." She paused. "I am merely a person, young healer."

"I want…" He stumbled, faltered, for a moment. Just say what you want to say, he told himself. Don't hide behind those frilly words. "I want you to open the Seishirou's hospital again." How else could he express how much he wanted her to help him? How could he say the words? "I can't bear to see him like this." He paused awkwardly, searching for the way, for the sound, for the words.

"And you think that my allowing him to go back to his murderous ways will make him feel better?"

"Yes."

"Foolish child," the old woman said, but she wasn't mocking him. "You don't understand, do you?"

"I understand better than you do," Subaru snapped. He paled. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"You're think you're in love with him, don't you?" A gentle hand rose to touch his back. Subaru stiffened at the unexpected touch. "It's admirable that you care for him so much, even knowing who he is, but…" her voice fell low. "You have to know that he doesn't truly care for you."

Subaru took a deep breath. She sounded so…so _certain_. As certain as she would be if she said "the sky is blue."

Taking his silence as a sign that he was considering her words, she continued, "You're not the first, nor will you be the last. But only two people have ever loved Seishirou Sakurazuka in his miserable existence, and both are dead by his own hands."

Subaru was thankful she couldn't see the stunned look on his face.

"You may not believe me, but I have seen it with my own eyes." She paused, and her next words were tender, almost trembling. "My own grandson once loved that man."

Subaru almost choked. _She didn't know_…!

"He was just like you, so completely sure of his love and his actions. And now…he's dead." The woman laughed bitterly. "There was no reason, no warning. My grandson simply…disappeared." She touched him again, absently smoothing the folds of his robe. "He's mad, that man. He kills without remorse. And since my grandson died, he's become madder by the day." Her hand stopped abruptly. "Whatever he's told you…they're just lies. He has nothing. He does nothing. For days, he's simply sat there, locked away in that house of his, pacing and muttering, driving himself further into madness."

"No…" He almost moaned the word. It had hurt to see Seishirou like that—and he'd like that for _days_? Ever since he'd left? Weeks of that…that torture…

"I wish I might have seen it." Her voice was so dark, so cold. "That proud, heartless man, sickened and destroyed. It is…fitting, in a way. His madness, his refusal of food and sleep and aid: all were once considered signs of"—and here she let out the softest of laughs—"lovesickness. Imagine, that heartless man, dying the death of a lover."

"No more," Subaru whispered. He was trembling. "I don't want to believe you," he whispered, knowing she was telling the truth. "You've told me enough."

"So you see, poor boy," she continued, heedless of his pleas, "you have been deceived." She dared to raise both hands to his back, an almost-hug. "For that man doesn't even knows what love is. Not even for you. For him, love means death, and it is enough that two lives have been taken."

"I don't care!" Subaru said defiantly. "I'd love him even if it meant dying." But, inwardly, he shuddered. He didn't know what he'd think, not now. Not when he wanted to live.

"The power of youthful romanticism," his grandmother sighed. "I tell you this for your own good: find someone else to love."

"Why do you hate him so much?" The question escaped before he could think. "Just because he kills? Because he killed…" He stopped himself. "Your grandson?"

"You have never loved someone."

"I—"

"Or you would never ask that question."

Subaru swallowed hard, silent.

"Foolish boy," the old woman said, almost affectionately. "Just like my grandson. My grandson…my Subaru…was truly the one meant to lead our House back to the days of glory and triumph." Her pride was evident, and, despite himself, Subaru found himself entranced by it. She was proud of him. "He did what no one else could. He defeated the House of Sakurazuka. The den of murderers, blood-soaked and incestuous, where children killed parents and parents children, all in their lust for power."

The warmth that settled in Subaru's chest turned sour. "You're wrong," he said. His voice grew louder, harsher. "How can you be proud of that? How can you be proud of driving a man into despair?"

"Hush," Lady Sumeragi said, quiet and forceful. "Listen to what I'm saying, not what you're hearing."

"He was right. It was useless to come here," Subaru muttered, ignoring her. He pulled away, but her hands were like steel, full of a strength stunning for her age.

"Subaru Sumeragi, you will listen when your clan head, your elder, your own grandmother speaks to you."

Subaru kicked himself mentally. Of course. Of course she'd known who he was, probably from the very moment she'd heard his footsteps in the hallway. She was playing with him. Using him. Just as she always had.

"No," he said, and there was more force then he'd intended. "I'm going back home."

"Back to that murderer?"

Subaru turned heel, grabbing his grandmother's loose robe. For a moment, he simply stared at her, fighting the urge to throw her against the wall. "Back to the man I love," he said through clenched teeth. He smiled, just a little, trying to swallow his anger. "Back to my Seishirou." He loosened his hands, let them fall to his sides. He started to walk out of the room.

"Why?"

It was shocking, the question that came out of silence. "Because I never thought I'd love anyone again."

"You're a fool."

Subaru laughed, a sudden, rough noise. "Am I, Grandmother?" He looked up at her, into her dulled eyes, still sharp with insight. "I'm happy. I'm so happy I was terrified to come here, because I thought I might wake up and find this was all a dream. And you…" He choked, almost a laugh, almost a sob. "You act as if nothing has changed, as if I'm still the little boy you knew all those years ago."

"Subaru," she said, and her voice was almost tender. "Haven't you heard a word I've said?"

"All you've done is insult the man I love." He tried not to shout.

"He's a murderer." Harsh and cold words. "Maybe you can't see that anymore. But however much you love him, it will never wipe the blood sins from his hands."

"I know that." Subaru laid his face on his hands. "Some days, I can't look at him without feeling…that darkness inside him."

"Then why?"

Subaru smiled. "You have never loved someone. Or you would never ask that question." This, he thought to himself, is why you're here. Don't back down. "Would you still love me, Grandmother, if you knew I was a murderer?"

"I have always loved you, Subaru." She sounded weary, suddenly, as if all her years had caught up to her in a moment. "And Hokuto." Her soft hands lifted his face up, forcing him to look her in the eyes. "I must seem a cruel and harsh person to you, my grandson. But I could not stand to see your heart so broken again."

"But it is my heart."

"I know." She turned her gaze to the window, where a light snow had begun to fall. "I lied to you before, and I apologize. I…"

"Yes, grandmother?" Subaru urged her on. He reached out tentatively to caress her cheek.

Suddenly, she jerked forward, grabbing Subaru in a tight embrace. "I feared for you, every day and every night, waiting to hear of your death. But it never came. I could not understand it. I could not imagine it. And before my eyes, you came back to life instead of leaving it." She went on, faster and faster, as if trying to say everything she had ever thought, or wondered, or spoken only to the darkest parts of her mind. "And all by the hands of a murderer! An unfeeling monster. I could never see him as you did. And yet, for these last days and weeks, I have come to know him better than I'd have ever dreamed."

Subaru held her, spellbound.

"I watched him, trying to find you. He'd said you were dead, that he had killed you, and in that instant, I felt such hatred for him as I had never known before." She took in a hard breath, as if she were drowning. "So I waited, and I watched, looking for any sign of you. Any little clue I could use so I wouldn't have to let that foul creature live. And before my eyes, he changed."

"I saw a man who had no heart come to the brink of death in his heartbreak." She clutched Subaru's hand, her voice rowing more harried, less and less like the grandmother he'd always known and more…more like a mere person. Her voice was broken with a loud sob. "But he is still a murderer!" she cried out. "And no matter how much you love him, or how much you change him, he will never repent for what he has done."

"But if he did, he would no longer be the man love." Subaru whispered to her, feeling the odd power of taking care of the woman who'd always taken care of him. "I went to him to die. I stayed with him to die. And now I love him to live." He took a breath. "I don't want to change him, Grandmother. At least know that he doesn't kill out of malice, or at random. He…we… kill those who ask to die. Those whose lives are too terrible to bear any longer. Those poor, pitiable souls….it breaks my heart to watch suffer."

She put a hand to his cheek. "Don't, Subaru. I understand. But I don't want to know."

Subaru sighed, embracing his grandmother's form. She seemed so small now. So helpless and broken. "Then…you will leave us alone? You'll give him back his hospital?"

"Yes." His grandmother let out a soft, sad laugh. "I'd always thought it would be Hokuto I would lose like this. Married off to some far away family, never to return again." She sighed. "I was so foolish back then, and I lost my beloved granddaughter because of it. I won't lose you too."

They sat there, in peace, for a few moments, contemplating.

"Subaru?" She spoke first, a mere whisper. "I have never seen a man with such a capacity to love. A man whose entire being could become wrapped up and choked by it, warmed and frozen to the soul by the mere words of it." She paused, and looked straight back at him. "A man so consumed by his love that it destroyed him utterly in mere days." Subaru was startled to feel the hot wetness of tears flowing down her cheeks. "My dearest grandson, in this, I could not have wished a better man for you love."

"Grandmother…" The words caught in his throat. "Grandmother." He had a sudden flash of inspiration. "Grandmother, I have…I've gone to see Kakyou." She stiffened, but didn't say a word. "I think…I think you should speak to him as well. He doesn't hold her death against you. And…" He paused, looking for the right words. "You may find it worth your while to make peace with him. He is…my brother, your grandson, too. Please, Grandmother."

He dared not speak Kyouto's name. That was Kakyou's right. But…at least he could try.

"I will think about it," she said, already regaining her dignity. She slowly stood up, wiping her face delicately. "I will not bother you any longer, Subaru. I respect…that you have refused the headship." She looked at him, a faint smile on her face. "Did I ever tell you about how the Sumeragis and Sakurazukas came to hate one another?"

Subaru shook his head.

"As the Sakurazukas dwindled, most of the old stories died out, so I'm not surprised. We've had a feud that should have ended years ago. As you know, we have...very different views on death. But…" She looked at him with an odd gleam in her eye. "We come from a common ancestor, you see. Ages and ages ago, there was a single man, and his sons fought viciously over the right to kill, to choose death at will. From those sons descend the great houses of Sumeragi and Sakurazuka." She folded her hands elegantly, suddenly the clan head again. "It is fitting that the last remaining sons of those lines have ended both feud and family. When you die, the family line will die with you. And, too, when your Lord Sakurazuka dies, his line will cease to be."

She looked back to the window. "Our ancestors and his yearned to destroy one another. Brother against brother, friend against friend, lover against lover." She paused. "And though I wish to believe that my hatred of Lord Sakurazuka was based purely on his actions in years past, I know my thoughts are tainted by my own forbearers' hatred. Though…they are certainly a House unlike any other."

"I know," Subaru said, although questions were forming rapidly in his mind. He would have so many things to ask Seishirou…

"Then I must bid you farewell, my grandson. I fear I have spent too much time in seclusion." Her almost-cold words made him ache, but he knew it was necessary. It was her way of telling him that all was settled between them, that he was…free.

"Farewell, my grandmother. May you find a strong and noble new clan leader." And so he returned the gesture, formally bowing as any other man would do. "And I have always loved you, Grandmother," he whispered before he left.

* * *

Author's Notes: yes, I'm late. And yes, this could so have been better. But I want to move on to the next part, darn it. I swear to finish this story before Christmas. 

Ah, and as for the delay…well, I have school, work, and way, way too much homework. What can you do about it? It's gotten so bad that I've started using my extra time at lunch and my free period to work on this story at school! (which really sucks, because they have Macs and I have Windows and they don't like each other).

Let's see…one chapter and an epilogue. I know I've said that before, but this time I mean it. I don't think I can make Seishirou rant for more than 10 pages. Although…well, here's a clue: the next chapter will involve the only other person who ever loved Seishirou. Think; you'll guess easily enough.

I really had no idea how to work with Subaru's grandmother. I don't think she even has a name. I tried to use her as the voice of all the non-fans out there. Have you ever tried to explain S&S to someone who's never read Tokyo Babylon or X/1999? The single most asked question—why is he in love with a murderer? Unless you've actually read the series (and thus seen Seishirou as a human), you don't really understand. And, similarly, I think most of the fans have forgotten that Seishirou kills people. We're all so in love with the pairing that we ignore the complete lack of normalcy…

Hmm. I think I had more to say, but I can't recall…

Sorry for the delay again!


	9. Part 9

"The Darkest Night" (Part 9)  
by Sakura no Miko  
Pairing: Subaru/Seishirou  
Warnings: Major, major disturbing content involving various forms of suicide/euthanasia, abortion, and outright murder. Worse, actual sympathy and glorification of such actions. Anyone who values life as a "gift of God" or whatever deity/power you choose should probably stay away from this 'fic. Oh, and character deaths, yaoi, angst…the usual for these two.  
Summary: Subaru and Seishirou have it out over Seishirou's lack of emotions—and the secrets of Seishirou's past are revealed.  
Disclaimer: Now, if I was a member of CLAMP, I'd be leaving you without any sort of update or explanation for long periods of time.

…

…

Wait a sec… blush

* * *

Subaru smiled. 

It all seemed so…perfect. The twilight of the afternoon, still light enough to see the snowflakes settle, but not so bright it hurt his eyes. The chill on the air, biting, but gentle. The heat pulsing through him as he walked, warm and soothing as an embrace.

There was nothing left to stop him. Not death, or sorrow, or anger, or feud. It made him lightheaded, almost giddy, that every piece had fallen into place so perfectly, so beautifully. He didn't deserve such happiness. Even if he worked all of his life, he could never, ever find a deed worthy enough.

But…curse him if he didn't try.

By the time he returned home, it was almost dark. He paused at the door. Footsteps. Seishirou's. The soft imprints in the snow led out, but not back. Subaru pushed the door open, noting the silence nervously, and grabbed a candle. He lit it carefully, cupping the open flame with his hand. He trusted the older man, but…no doubt he was still sick, still…vulnerable.

The image was almost laughable. Seishirou, fallen and collapsed in the snow. Like a petite little doll, laying broken and waiting to be picked up.

Laughable…but… Subaru wasn't taking any chances.

He mentally reviewed Seishirou's condition in his mind. Exhaustion, mostly. He was probably still unable to eat too much. Stubbornness. Subaru smiled at the thought. That was the crux of it. Stubbornness and a refusal to listen to anyone's orders. But, surely, Seishirou had seen enough patients to know his own weaknesses?

It would probably be best to take a blanket. Subaru decided. Something to keep them warm, just in case. A chill wind had started to blow, piercing his warm coat and leaving him craving a warm fire, a warm bed, a warm body.

He moved to their bedroom, intending to grab the first blanket from the bed, but something stopped him. By some strange chance, he saw…a glitter? A sparkle of something, lying in a dark corner of the room.

Subaru felt more than saw, his fingers tracing over the floor, encountering a rough corner, hard and angular. He smoothed his finger on one of the sides, recognizing the chill, smooth object as glass.

He yelped when his finger slid across a sharp crack, dropping the object onto the floor with an audible crash. The taste of blood made him wince, but he sucked on his finger nonetheless, trying to soothe away the sudden pain. Gingerly, he touched the object again with his other hand, avoiding the glass, and pulled it up into the light.

His breath caught in his throat.

It was a picture…a painting…something beautiful, stunningly beautiful, and he wasn't sure whether it was real or not. No. His eyes widened in recognition. No, it had to be real. He recognized the background—he _knew_ that area, knew that tree, and those flowers. It was Seishirou's favorite part of the garden.

Springtime. He recognized the cherry blossoms, what he had always though of as Seishirou's blossoms, his favorites. And the blood-red camellias lining the ground, curling around the base of the tree, interlaced with it. But the familiarity of the scene was marred—no, that wasn't the right word. No, it was _different_. Changed. Alien.

All because of the face staring back at his.

She was beautiful…but it was a cold, unearthly sort of beauty. Her skin was pale, flawlessly smooth and perfect. Her eyes were a dark brown, reminding him of Seishirou's—but colder, if that were possible. More devoid of emotion. Her hair fell down around her ankles, longer than he'd ever seen. It must have taken years, decades, to grow so long—and yet she looked like a child, a maiden.

She was sitting on the ground, lying upon it as if she were lifeless, but her face was facing the person who'd made the picture. Her clothes were loose, yet they clung to her, suggesting and hinting at the body under them. Her arms were wrapped around her stomach. Her face had a smile…and yet it was not a smile. She seemed annoyed, or angry—perhaps at the person foolish enough to capture her likeness, or perhaps at herself for allowing the picture to be taken.

He traced her face, the glass broken away by his hand or Seishirou's. The paper curled up, and he caught a bit of it, pulling the aged picture from its frame. There was something on the other side, as well.

The same woman, and yet not. She sat beneath the tree's pink blossoms again, holding a large, crimson camellia flower it her delicate fingers. But her eyes were no longer facing the viewer—a fact that made Subaru let out a breath of relief. No, her eyes were focused downwards, past the red blossoms dangling from her fingers, to the face of another.

A pair of tiny hands reached up to grab at the red thing, and was that a hint of a smile on her face? Her lips barely curved upwards, and yet…there it was. Exquisite in its simplicity.

No wonder the child she held seemed so happy.

Or perhaps that was only the effect of the flower. Either way, the overall effect of this picture was wholly different from the other. Subaru still felt uneasy, gazing upon it. Before, it had been her—her coldness, her anger at being gazed upon. But now…now it was the child.

What right did he have to watch such a private moment between the child and its mother?

His thoughts drifted back to the woman. Who was she? Why did Seishirou have her picture—and why had he hidden it for so long? He pushed away the thoughts of jealousy, the aching questions, the answers that came to him far too quickly.

It didn't change the situation. It didn't change what he wanted, either.

He threw the picture back to the floor, perhaps more harshly than he should have, and gathered up a warm blanket into his arms. He had to find Seishirou.

* * *

Subaru moved slowly, trying to keep the weak flame on his candle lit. Trying to see anything more than a few feet away was almost useless. He couldn't tell how long he'd been walking, and the sun was nearly gone from the sky. The winter days were short, but this one especially so. It had barely been light when he'd left, almost mid-day, to see his grandmother, and now, only hours later, it was darkness again. 

Given his lover's fondness for wearing dark clothes, the search could easily last all night. Subaru smiled weakly to himself. For all he knew, Seishirou had already returned. Perhaps it would end up that _he_ would collapse, out here, and await Seishirou's rescue?

He was strangely tired. The exuberance that had filled him when he started was starting to fade, and it grew harder to chase the unwanted thoughts from his head. His body didn't ache yet, but he felt something in him…draining. Some strength, or courage, or…

_No!_

He winced as his foot slammed down too harshly on the ground. No, he whispered to himself, No, he wouldn't give up. He wouldn't panic. He wouldn't, not now, not ever.

He forced himself to look around. He knew this area. He was near the garden, near…that place. Her place. The place where _she_ had sat, where that picture had been taken. No, it wasn't her place. It was Seishirou's. He took a determined step towards the cherry tree, content that, once he saw it again with his own eyes, the woman, and the picture, would fade from his mind.

His eyes were adjusting to the darkness, slowly but surely. And he saw…

Subaru smiled.

Seishirou looked so childlike when he slept, though Subaru rarely had the chance to see it. Subaru let out a soft sigh of relief. There was the unmistakable form of his love, lying rather awkwardly against the cherry tree. A thin layer of snow had fallen over his clothes, and he trembled.

Subaru almost dropped the candle in his haste to reach Seishirou. The man's face was freezing to the touch. So cold…He brushed the snow away with one hand, and caressed Seishirou's face with the other. "Wake up," he whispered, more out of annoyance than fear. He could feel Seishirou's erratic breaths, and it assured him that the man was only lightly sleeping.

And perhaps not even that. Seishirou moved, ever so slightly, when Subaru grabbed his hand. His frozen fingers laced themselves with Subaru's, and Subaru suppressed a sigh. He could see the smallest twitch of a smirk on Seishirou's face. He was awake. Playing with him.

Well, two could play at that game. "So cold," Subaru said absently, almost to himself. He pulled their joined fingers up to his face and gently kissed them, lingering a little too long, savoring the feel of Seishirou's fingers against his lips. The numbness was starting to stop, and feeling was surging into his lips, his fingers, sharp and sensitive.

He played with Seishirou's fingers a little longer, sucking at them, teasing the tips. Seishirou's façade was failing, and his breaths were growing more and more uneven.

Subaru let himself smile. It was so obvious that Seishirou was awake. The small twitch in his fingers, the way his eyes almost, but not quite, opened, the strange warmth that seemed to radiate off of him… No, he'd spent enough nights with the man to know that he slept as quietly as death.

Subaru's face was cold. Playing was fun, but…it was just too cold. He leaned down and kissed Seishirou, softly, sweetly, one set of freezing, tender lips against another. He almost yelped when Seishirou's arms grabbed him up and pulled him close. He broke off their kiss, and looked into Seishirou's wide-open, utterly awake eyes, sighed, and let himself fall back into the kiss.

It was absurd, wasn't it? Two grown men, laying in the snow, freezing and getting soaked, and sick, and…holding each other close, warm, tight, and breathless.

"You're mad," Subaru whispered, breathless, almost choking on the freezing air he gaspingly drew into his lungs. His mouth was raw, numb from the cold and burning from the kisses. "Completely crazy. And sick." The damp, sickly feeling of being hot and cold made it hard for him to think. "What are you doing out here?"

"Nothing. Just enjoying the snow." Seishirou hesitated, only a fraction of a moment, but Subaru's sharp—or perhaps just annoyed—mind detected it. Liar.

"So you do like watching the snow?" Subaru whispered.

"It depends on who I'm watching it with." He was almost wistful, but, then, a flash of a smirk.

"Who were you watching it with?" The words escaped, and silence fell over them. He watched Seishirou's face, watched those brown eyes that betrayed him.

"The dead." Seishirou's reply was short, soft. He chuckled, and put his hand to Subaru's cheek. "Do you know, dear Subaru, why the camellia blossoms are so red here?" Subaru shook his head mutely. "Because they feed on blood, and flesh."

Subaru shuddered, more out of habit than any true disgust. "So…that's why we bury the bodies here?" he asked, trying to fight off the sense of nausea rising in him with a wave of logic. See this the way Seishirou does, he told himself. Just bodies…just food for the flowers to devour, to thrive upon. It happened in any cemetery.

"Yes," Seishirou said simply. Subaru buried his head against Seishirou's chest. He didn't want to think about it…about the roots, slowly tunneling through the once-living flesh like so much meat. He shuddered again.

"I don't remember burying anyone here, though," he said, the thought suddenly occurring to him. "In the other gardens, yes, but never here." He looked up at Seishirou's face. "Who…?"

Seishirou looked at him for a moment. His expression softened into an almost wistful smile. "It took an especially beautiful body to make the cherry trees and camellias bloom so beautifully. I'd never dare to taint this place with those common corpses. " He spread his hands in a gesture of supplication. "Beauty must feed itself upon beauty, you see?"

He motioned vaguely to the snow-covered foliage. Subaru nodded hesitantly. He was tempted to move a cool hand to Seishirou's forehead, which must have been burning. Instead, he opted to curl their fingers together, and squeezing them gently. He'd make sense of it somehow.

"…and it was her last wish to be buried here, with her beloved camellias and my cherry blossoms." He chuckled darkly. "Not that it mattered. She didn't stay here long." He shook his head, and sighed, so softly. "She was always there, always watching me. Never here. Never once did I see her here. But still, I thought, perhaps, _perhaps_…" He stared off for a moment.

In a heavy, jerking motion so unlike him, he grabbed Subaru close and crushed their lips together again, until Subaru couldn't breathe, couldn't think. His hands were rough, not the tender touches Subaru had begun to expect, but he still felt the hot flush of sweet, familiar desire rush through his body, and when Seishirou pulled him easily into his lap, he accepted it without a thought. The forgotten blanket was pulled from him, and gently pulled around their shoulders.

Seishirou nuzzled his neck, digging into the crevice between hot skin and warm cloth. His hands followed suit, making Subaru yelp when the still-chilled digits smoothed themselves against his belly. Subaru cradled them together, the exquisite mixture of intoxicating pleasure and passion and love flaring up within him, hotter and hotter, until he took no notice of the chill.

To think he'd once forgotten warmth…and love…and pleasure…

He opened his mouth, to whisper sweet nothings, declarations of love he couldn't even put into words…

"Ah, wonderful," Seishirou whispered before he could. He looked up, that damned smirk lighting up his features. "This is far better than freezing."

He knew so well—_too well_—where to touch to make soft peals of warmth bloom in Subaru's body, and soon, even the chill winds and wet snowflakes couldn't touch the heat between them.

"Ah, what are you doing to me?" Subaru breathlessly murmured, the sort of question asked without a need for answer.

"Keeping us warm," Seishirou whispered back, a hint of laughter in his voice.

"…what?" Subaru whispered, his lightheadedness suddenly sobering.

"Do I need to explain it, Subaru?" Seishirou whispered in that same half-amused tone. He ventured a kiss of Subaru's throat. "The stimulation of nerves, causing physical arousal…" Another kiss, just a little lower. "…and a sharp increase in body heat. The release of signals causing the same response in my body…" Seishirou smirked, healer and lover in one. "And we don't freeze to death in the middle of the cherry trees." He stroked his fingers in a particularly sensitive spot, making Subaru shudder. "See? The body is such an easy thing to manipulate…"

Again, that dark feeling. Subaru winced, though Seishirou couldn't see him. "You've left out the most important part," he whispered hoarsely, taking in a deep breath of frigid air. Seishirou shifted, bringing them fact to face. They kissed again.

"Which is?" he asked softly.

"How much I love you."

Seishirou shrugged. "If you think so." He leaned in for another kiss, but Subaru stopped him. They stared at each other, wordless, for a moment.

Subaru searched the older man's eyes, looking for something, anything to tell him Seishirou was joking, or simply didn't want to admit his affections. But there was nothing. He flinched, and looked away. Stupid, gods, so stupid!

"Subaru…" He should have appreciated the gesture, Subaru thought, furious with himself, with Seishirou, with everything. The way Seishirou's voice grew so tender, and the real confusion there.

"I know…you don't believe in emotions. Stupid, foolish emotions." He squeezed his fingers into Seishirou's shoulder. He had never loved Seishirou more than in these last few moments. And Seishirou…Seishirou…

"Would it make you happy to hear the words?" Seishirou mused aloud. "If I whispered them into your ear right now? 'Subaru, I lo—' "

"It's not the same."

Seishirou sighed, and patted Subaru's back, the boy's face resting against his shoulder. "And you wonder why I puzzle over these _emotions_ so much," he said. "Changing, shifting, manipulated emotions." He took a deep breath. "You want me to say these things that other men say to their lovers. 'I'll never leave you.' 'I only care for you.' 'You are the most beautiful creature in the world.' Even if they're not true."

"If you loved me, they would be," Subaru said bitterly.

"Am I to promise never to die?" Subaru didn't reply. "Or to lie to you and myself?" Seishirou's fingers snaked under his chin, forcing him to look up. "I will not lie to you, Subaru. I will not say I never felt affection for anyone before you, or that I never bedded another being, or that I feel for you any differently than anyone else in creation."

Subaru's eyes began to sting.

Seishirou pulled him close. "Cry, then. You know you want to." He tucked his chin against Subaru's hair. "You are beautiful. With my eyes, I can see that, and it is true. What do your emotions have to do with that?" He was relentless, even cruel. "You're voice is sweet. With my ears, I know that. Your hair, soft beneath my fingers…and the beat of your heart, pulsing…your warm breath… All these sensations you call 'love' are nothing but chemical responses, logical reactions."

"They are not," Subaru whispered.

"I have tried to understand you, Subaru." Seishirou's voice, resigned. "And yet, you confound me utterly."

"I _love_ you."

Seishirou sighed. "And love is the strangest of human emotions."

"If I were stronger…" Subaru sniffled.

"Hmm?" Seishirou made an inquisitive sound, urging Subaru to finish the thought.

"If I was strong enough, I could wait," Subaru said, his voice raw and pretty. "I could wait, and explain, and make you understand." He gulped a breath down. "If I were strong enough, I…I know just loving you would be enough, but I…I…" He choked on a sob. "I want you to love me, Seishirou!"

"You _need_ me to love you?" The question that was not really a question.

"…_yes_…!"

The silence fell between them, Subaru making only a soft, needy sound against Seishirou's chest. He wanted reassurance so badly and yet the warmth and strength of Seishirou's arms was not enough.

" 'What is love?' I once asked my mother," Seishirou said suddenly. " 'Why do they whisper that word?' And she told me…" He paused. "Do you really want to hear, Subaru? To know what I know about love?"

Subaru nodded, red-rimmed eyes shut tightly.

" 'Love is an emotion that humans have. It makes them do foolish things,' she sighed," Seishirou whispered, imitating the sound, an adult tired of a child's antics. Flash of a smile on his face. " 'Love is something I have never known. Something I hope you will never know. But it is no loss to us, my dearest. We do not need emotions. They are things of imagination and hallucination. What is real, what is tangible—these are the things that matter. They have always been. Emotions are fragile, and fleeting, part of a world we have left utterly behind.' "

"…" How could he fight against that? Subaru might have started to cry again.

"Don't…" Seishirou's fingers at his eyes, rubbing away the salty unshed tears.

That dark feeling—he knew it, now, for what it was. Finality. Terrible, yes, to know, to know so certainly, that his love would be forever unrequited. Affection, yes, and sensuous pleasure; but never love. And yet…

"You are…so beautiful, Subaru," Seishirou whispered fondly. "Do you know how you look, in such exquisite sorrow? Your eyes seem to glow, and your skin is so pale…your hair so black…"

What was this, Subaru wondered. Still, he took comfort in the words. He'd never heard such a sweetness in Seishirou's voice, not towards him.

"I thought I would never see such beauty again." The words seemed distant. "I thought Mother was the only beautiful creature to have ever existed, before she died. Beautiful as the blossoms she adored so much."

Mother. Mother, the beautiful one. She was the one…the one who told him the foolishness of love. The only one he ever spoke affectionately of. Spoke as if he loved her, in some way, even if he didn't know it.

Subaru felt an ache in his heart. Was it so selfish to want…to want just a little of that for himself?

"And you…such an exquisite wreck of humanity…" How strange was it, that Seishirou's voice was just as—dare he say it?—_loving_ when he spoke those words. "Torn and ruined to such an extent you could not even _feel_." His voice, warm against Subaru's ear. "Subaru, do you even understand what you were?"

Subaru stared back at him, uncomprehending. "What I was…?" he echoed softly.

Seishirou seemed to take his confusion as a sign to continue, his voice growing louder, almost desperate. "There is nothing real in this world but what you feel, with your hands, your lips, your eyes. And yet you…" A shuddering breath, a purely-human weakness, a tremble in his voice. Subaru watched in a sort of stunned awe. "You, so beautiful, a beauty that could not exist…you, so cold you could not have known my touch…"

Subaru strained to hear his last words.

"You were _alive_."

Suddenly, it was Seishirou's head against his chest, breathing the cold air harshly, spilling out words with a strange, sort of intensity.

"It was impossible," he whispered, and it seemed, to Subaru, almost desperate. "How could you have been there, Subaru? How could you exist?"

"I don't know," Subaru whispered. His own despair was forgotten in the face of this new riddle. "Why can't I exist? Tell me. Make me understand, Seishirou."

A flash of anger…confusion. "You couldn't _feel_," Seishirou whispered.

"Couldn't feel _what_?" Subaru shot back, but he regretted the words instantly. He was asking for two much, too fast, he knew it. "I'm sorry." He tenderly caressed Seishirou's back. "Let's…let's get back inside before the snowstorm starts up, okay?" He started to move, but Seishirou stayed still.

"I couldn't understand…" Seishirou said stubbornly, refusing to move.

Subaru wanted to move, knew he should and yet…he was so close, just on the precipice, of understanding, making some great realization of…of how Seishirou felt about him.

"I wanted to study you, to try and understand how…how you could exist." He shook his head, but Subaru's hand stayed steadily on his cheek. "There was no great reason. I just wanted…" He struggled for a moment, his eyes widening. "I wanted _you_," he said suggestively, reaching for a kiss.

The sudden movement shocked Subaru out of his thoughts. He pushed away, instinctively, turning his face and saying, as much to himself as to Seishirou, "No…no, we need to get back…"

"Don't leave."

The words were so…so…childlike. Subaru leaned back, resting his back against the frozen tree, Seishirou stubbornly lying against him.

Seishirou's hands grasped at him, and he shamefully noticed a low warmth that spread through his body, even at the most innocent touches. Seishirou was always touching him, he realized distantly. Always holding him and feeling him. He smiled. Always, even since that first night, when he was so numb he couldn't even…

…feel…

The spark of realization hit him before he even realized it. Of course, his mind whispered, in a thousand little flashes, all in one instant. For a man who believed only in what he could touch and what he could sense, that all-consuming numbness, brought at the hands of his terrible and consuming emotions…must have been incomprehensible.

"You always touch me, Sei," he whispered affectionately. "Why?" Subaru suspected that now, more than any other time, he would hear the truth.

"I want to," Seishirou said simply.

"I like it," Subaru said softly. He realized, suddenly, that he had never said it aloud before. He'd never needed to, not when Seishirou was always so desperate to touch him.

"The eyes can be deceived," Seishirou murmured, and his caresses grew stronger. "And memory can conjure a scent, or a taste. But my hands…"

Seishirou's hand was suddenly at his neck, and Subaru moved to push him away again, but his hand stopped, wavering uncertainly, when Seishirou began to rub, comfortingly, at his neck, his shoulder. His other hand was at Subaru's waist, still making those comforting motions. Nothing to arouse him, just gentle, comforting motions.

"My hands tell me you're here."

Subaru held Seishirou's hands with his own. "Yes, I'm here."

He looked away, out into the further reaches of the garden. "I wonder here she is," he said.

"Who?"

"Mother."

Curiosity filled Subaru, and yet, it was more than that. He truly desired to know about her, the beautiful woman Seishirou cared for so much. "Tell me about her, please."

"She was beautiful," Seishirou said instantly, as if that were the only thing necessary to say. "The only beautiful creature I ever knew." He sighed. "Her eyes were like fire when she was angry. Like jewels burning. Her hair was the softest, most luxurious toy I ever had, before I could even care for myself. And she…"

Subaru listened jealously. He'd never had a mother…nor had Seishirou ever poke so rapturously of him.

"She would…when I was felt choked, sickened by their filth, she would…catch me up in her arms, like a sweet breeze, a song carried on the wind, and wrap me up, take me far away from these disgusting wretches that styles themselves human. Like they didn't even exist, not in her presence. Like nothing else existed."

Subaru had only glimpsed this Seishirou before, this man who smiled and spoke so sweetly of beauty and wonderful things. "She sounds wonderful," he said. From the way Seishirou spoke, Subaru felt as if he were starting to love her, too. This beautiful Mother…

"Before she died, she…" Seishirou's face darkened. "She was acting so strangely. Some sickness took hold of her, something I couldn't understand." His fists clenched unconsciously. "She stopped eating, stopped sleeping… and she would say mad things, whisper them ceaselessly to herself, and when she saw me, she would suddenly stop, and only stare at me, smiling." Seishirou shook his head. "She couldn't stand it, finally, all those days and nights of…"

He stopped, gazing listlessly out into the garden once more.

Subaru found a comfortable place to lay his face on Seishirou's back, a warm place for his hands around Seishirou's waist. "Was it…long ago?" he asked softly, trying to sort it out, these days before he had come to know Seishirou.

"I was about your age…" Seishirou replied, "…your age when you first came here."

Ah, Subaru thought to himself. Perhaps, then…Seishirou blamed himself for not being able to save her? "Did she die of that?" he decided to ask instead, unable to find the words.

"I killed her."

Subaru went stiff, for a moment, in shock. But it drifted away…it was really not shock at all, now that he thought about it. "Why?" Subaru breathed.

"She wanted me to. She smiled and she asked me to." He started to pull away.

But Subaru only tightened his grip. "And you did it?" he whispered, not accusing, not judging…only curious.

"She was my first." He shrugged. "She was mad by then." He paused a moment, and then, in a strange sort of voice, he continued, "I didn't believe her, not at first. She seemed so lucid. She wanted to be buried here. She told me how to take care of the patients on my own. And she told me how happy she was that my first death would be so easy."

Subaru devoted his attention, just for a moment, towards worming his own hands between Seishirou's, a painful procedure that, nonetheless, would allow at least some of the blood back into his clenched hands. His hands were so cold…

It distracted him, just for a moment, from the fact that he couldn't think of a single comforting thing to do or say. He rested his head against Seishirou's shoulder again, utterly and completely…at a loss.

"I should have told you sooner," Seishirou said suddenly. Before Subaru could react, he started again. "I should have warned you."

"Warned me…?" Subaru echoed, his expression a mixture of worry and concern that Seishirou would have loved seeing.

"I have it as well," the older man whispered. "That madness." He chuckled, darkly. "But I doubt that surprises you."

Subaru shook his head. "Is that what it was?" His stomach fluttered. Not eating, not sleeping…

…hadn't his grandmother called that "madness" by another name…?

"Be glad you weren't here." He smiled, that dark smile he sometimes got in his darker moods. "You wouldn't have liked it, Subaru."

"I…" Subaru started to say, then stopped. No he couldn't say he would have done this, or that. He couldn't promise…

"Do you know what it's like? Nothing changes," Seishirou said, that impossibly cold look still on his face. "Not the days or the nights, not the food or the drink, and yet…" His hands clenched tightly. "Nothing is different," he said suddenly, nearly barking the words. "Nothing feels any different than any other day, and yet, one day, I just can't find the will or the want for any of it." He laughed, darkly. "I feel nothing, see nothing, taste nothing…nothing but emptiness. An insatiable emptiness. As if my every sense has abandoned me."

He was merciless in his descriptions. Subaru's heart and mind hurt, trying at once to listen with compassion and yet trying to block out the terrible images and sensations of being sucked into that terrible, dark abyss Seishirou spoke of.

"But you got better," Subaru murmured, grabbing onto the first ray of hope he could grasp.

That terrible smile again. "This wasn't the first time," he said simply.

"But—"

"It was long before I met you," Seishirou cut him off. He paused, then, as an afterthought, added, "And it was not so bad that last time." He took a deep breath, slowly blowing out the little wisps of cloud and mist. "I had thought, perhaps, that I would heal, and yet it seems I'm destined to share her fate in all things."

Subaru sat, silent. "Why are you telling me this now?" he asked finally.

"Perhaps being here with her has made me nostalgic." He took a deep breath. "Subaru, if I ever…I want you to—"

Realization cut into him sharply. "I won't do it," Subaru whispered fiercely. "I can't!"

Seishirou was suddenly in his face, pushing him back, holding him to the cherry tree. "Subaru," he whispered huskily. "Please, I…"

Subaru choked back his words when he saw Seishirou's face—that mixture of pain and anger and sadness that made his heart ache. But the worst part was the complete and utter confusion he saw. Just like a child.

"You don't understand," Seishirou said.

"I won't…I _won't_!" Subaru's voice shook. "I'd kill myself first. I…I…" He took a deep, choked breath. "I love you."

"You do not," Seishirou said coldly, and he was suddenly so much like he had been when they met. The child-like Seishirou vanished. "There is no such thing."

"Stop saying that!"

"It's the _truth_, Subaru."

They glared at each other icily, Subaru still pinned against the tree, Seishirou still holding his arms in what was rapidly becoming a painful position.

"Let me go, Seishirou," Subaru said, finally.

Seishirou let him go, and he rubbed at his arms, grimacing, though not all the pain was physical.

"Is that all it takes?" Subaru whispered, and he was sure he was starting to cry. "A little sickness, and you want to leave me alone again?" A sudden anger overtook him. "You coward…you pathetic coward…"

"What did you call me?" Seishirou grabbed his face roughly, forcing him to look up, though the tears were starting to blur his vision. "You, who begged for death so many times?"

"I was wrong," Subaru whispered, his voice cracking. "I was just so scared, I…"

The words tumbled out, and his voice left him as he stared at Seishirou. He suddenly recognized, with crystal clarity, that strange emotion he had seen, that reminded him so much of a child. The emotion he was trying so hard to hide…

"Sei," he said, trying to be tender, though his voice was rough. "What are you so scared of?"

He closed his yes, expecting pain, but it didn't come. When he opened his eyes, Seishirou was staring at him. "I'm not _afraid_ of anything," he said.

"I think you are." Subaru felt a strange sort of elation, knowing, for certain, that he was right. He could see it. "And I think you know what it is," he pressed gently.

"Even if I were, why would I tell you?"

The cold words stung, more than Subaru expected. But he persevered, and his strength seemed to return to him in one sweet burst of warmth. That protectiveness and concern that Seishirou's rare vulnerability seemed to bring out in him. "I want to know," he said, keeping his voice gentle.

"Because you love me, right?" He was mocking him.

Subaru simply nodded. It was taking a saintly patience to keep this up, a patience that was starting to tire him.

"But love is not real."

Those words again. And again. "Don't sound so defensive," Subaru whispered, and it felt so good to be able to smile, really smile, with the revelation. "It makes me wonder if you really mean it."

Seishirou glared at him, but he couldn't keep it up. Defeated, he said, in a sweet, stubborn way, "Even if it is, I do not want it." He glared again. "Foolish emotions."

Subaru could _see_ it, and he cursed. No mater what Seishirou was saying, Subaru could see it in his every movement and expression, that…emotion. "I'm scared," he admitted, as much to himself as to Seishirou. "I'm scared that you're hurt and I can't do anything about it, even though I love you and I…I just want…"

"Don't do that." Seishirou sighed, and dragged Subaru into his arms. "You make me want to play along with you." He closed his eyes. "This stupid 'love' of yours…as if it were some great all-healer that solves everything."

"It can."

"Can it bring back the dead? Or keep the dying from death?" Seishirou sounded bitter. "Can it do anything but drive them further into despair? Can it keep the madness away?"

Subaru tried to smile. "Sometimes, it can."

"Then why did she die?"

The words came out of nowhere, materializing like a cloud on a sun-lit day of spring.

"You loved her," Subaru said softly, a statement laced with the softest hint of a question.

"She…" Seishirou paused, a strange expression on his face, "loved me."

"I thought she didn't believe in love?" Subaru asked. Could he hope…?

"Before she died, she said… 'If ever there is such a thing as love, my son, I love you.' " He closed his eyes, and Subaru was certain he was seeing her, hearing her voice in his mind. And when they fluttered open again, he said, in a voice more wondering than mocking, "Is there anyone who loves who doesn't want to die?"

He absently dabbed a hand to his face. The wind stung his eyes, staining his own face with hot wetness as surely as Subaru's, though he seemed less aware of it.

Subaru reached to touch the tears before they froze on Seishirou's face.

"I don't like this," Seishirou said, and he nuzzled Subaru's hand, though he was grimacing. "The way my heart is pounding…the soreness of my throat…" He closed his eyes. "It's as if the madness was coming again."

Subaru leaned forward and kissed him, slowly at first, but with a passion that smoldered and grew, until they were both breaking away, breathless. He tried to reach back for another, but Seishirou stopped him.

"I…" he started to say, that pained look on his face.

Subaru shook his head. "It wasn't because she loved you," he half-whispered, half-gasped. "It's because she was too scared to love you."

"Scared?" Seishirou echoed, as if he didn't believe it. He started to lean forward, but hesitated. That same look…

Subaru grabbed him up and cradled him tightly in an embrace, stroking at his hair, feeling the silent streams of wetness at his chest until Seishirou finally relaxed, melting against him.

"And you're scared, too." A halting whisper.

"Your mother…she couldn't believe in her love, even though she felt it so badly she couldn't sleep, or eat, or be happy," Subaru whispered, softly. It was so dark, and so cold, the candle having long since been blown out, and only the briefest bits of moonlight showing through the scattered snow clouds. "And I…I was always too stupid and selfish to believe that I could love you, either." He forced the words out. "I was scared, too." Subaru laughed, but it was mixed with tears. "So I can't…I can't complain about you, can I? You were right not to believe in love."

Seishirou stirred against him. "Liar," he said softly. Subaru started in surprise, and looked down to see Seishirou smirking at him. "You keep using the past tense," the man said, sounding so familiar, so like his old self.

Startled, Subaru let out a warm peal of laughter. "If you already know what I'm going to say…"

"I want to hear it."

"I love you," Subaru said simply. "Whether you believe in love or not…whether love really exists or not…I love you." His face turned serious. "I'm not like her. I don't want you to kill me…and I can't…I won't kill you."

"Truthfully, I doubt I could go mad with you around," Seishirou replied, just as serious. "With your wonderfully burnt food…and so many ways to exhaust me in bed…" He playfully poked Subaru in the chest.

Subaru blushed. But Seishirou's joking tone didn't bother him, even though he still wished…

It was selfish, but, he had to admit to himself that love was always a little bit selfish.

They got up, tired and wet and aching for the warmth of bed. Clumsily, they started walking back, and all the little answers came out, one by one.

His mother's picture he had hidden away after he killed her. Seishirou daintily picked it up form the mess of glass on the floor of the bedroom, a mess he'd created when he'd angrily thrown the picture into the wall.

He said, in true seriousness, that his first madness had come in the wake of her death, in the throes of his loneliness, and Subaru listened with wide eyes. In his madness, he had seen her face, and heard her voice, a hallucination born of a thousand memories and a desperate need and denial.

So, when he finally regained his senses, he'd taken it all down—all the pictures and the reminders, the things that might have triggered it anew.

He admitted that, when he'd awoken that morning to an empty bed, he had a desperate idea, a foolish one. He'd wanted to see her again.

Subaru's heart ached guiltily, but when he related his own adventure at the Sumeragi household, Seishirou's low laughter cheered him up.

They finally crawled into bed, and Subaru whispered, in a half-sleeping delirium, "Remember to wake me up at dawn, Sei."

Seishirou's arms crept around him. "Only if you promise me you'll stay in bed until then."

Subaru looked at him, groggily. "Of course," he said. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Do you know what tonight is?"

Subaru shook his head.

"Tonight is the winter solstice," Seishirou said. "The longest night of the year. Dawn will be only a few hours away from sunset."

Subaru sighed. What had he gotten himself into…?

He laid his head on the pillow. His thoughts drifted back, back to another night when he'd been lost and cold, waiting for the light of dawn that seemed so far away. A dark and long night, just like this one…

"…you."

Subaru blinked, wondering if his mind was playing tricks on him. But, no, when he looked up, he saw Seishirou, looking at him, waiting for a response.

"Say that again," he said, his mind suddenly alert and…hoping, just once more.

"I think," Seishirou said slowly, and he reached over to run a hand over Subaru's hair, ruffling it for a moment before pulling back, "that I…"

His lips formed the words, and Subaru, stunned, had to take another moment to process them, and then another to believe them, and finally, a moment just to savor their sweetness.

"…I want to love you, Subaru."

Subaru wanted to cry, to laugh, to do all these things at once and more, but his mouth was dry, his throat ached, his eyes burned. He couldn't make a sound, and his body refused to move. He wanted to say, you didn't have to say this for me.

But when he looked into Seishirou's eyes and saw the barely-suppressed anxiety, the hesitant desire, and, yes, that familiar fear, he understood.

So he settled for a sweet, tender kiss on the mouth. One the quickly began to involve caresses, and warmth, and all those lovely things.

It was a beautiful night.

* * *

Author's notes: I've spent more of my life writing this chapter over the last two weeks than I've ever spent on…anything! And I can prove it, too—I have six or seven pages of stuff I discarded, rewrote, and rewrote again. 

Oh, and in the meantime, I wrote two other stories that I…didn't quite feel comfortable putting up on this site.One was perverted (my lovely "Decadence"), and the other is just disturbing ("Bound"). Since I can't seem to put theURLs on this document, just go looking around at the Clampesque Board for "SakuraMiko." See, it's not like I was just being lazy… Oh, and the epilogue is…was…about half written. Granted, I may need to mess with it a lot, but it should be up relatively soon.

I regret that I wasn't able to go into Seishirou's past as much as I wanted. I spent all that time setting up the fact that… Wait, should I even reveal this? Oh, whatever. The pleasant fact that Seishirou's crazy "ghost" rant before was the result of his mother's death. She was the ghost, you see. Or hallucination. Alas, I couldn't manage to get it in there, so it became a random little tidbit at the end.

I'm so tired…

Very important! The theme for this chapter is:

"Winter" (from Yuki Kajiura's album, _Fiction_)

we're in the middle of the winter

and walking hand in hand

long time no see, but now you're here with me

to bless this icy land

if the night is dark and cold

I will warm you with my kiss

let me hold you in my arms again

and vow to stay with me

through the snow

I was always sad and cold

all alone, before we met

now you've taught me how to find the light

even in darkness of winter

we are wandering hand in hand

up and over hills of snow

we'll keep on walking through winter


	10. Part 10 Epilogue

"The Darkest Night" (Part 10/Epilogue)  
by Sakura no Miko  
Pairing: Subaru/Seishirou  
Warnings: Major, major disturbing content involving various forms of suicide/euthanasia, abortion, and outright murder. Worse, actual sympathy and glorification of such actions. Anyone who values life as a "gift of God" or whatever deity/power you choose should probably stay away from this 'fic. Oh, and character deaths, yaoi, angst…the usual for these two.  
Summary: A story leads Subaru and Seishirou down an unexpectedly dark path, and they struggle to finally understand the nature of their love.  
Disclaimer: This ending might be even worse than CLAMP's…or even better. Take your pick, but remember—mine isn't the real one.

* * *

"It doesn't make sense to me," Subaru said softly, with the slightest hint of a whine in his voice.

"It is simply a means of…replacing what a person has lost," Seishirou replied coolly. "It's not complicated, Subaru."

"But…" Subaru frowned. Lacking the words to explain his distaste, he finally shook his head and said stubbornly, "It just seems so strange! Why would you _want_ someone else's blood in you?"

"Because you would die without it," Seishirou said simply. "It's saved many lives already." Subaru opened his mouth to object again, but Seishirou interrupted him. "You would not object if it were Hokuto's blood, would you?"

A curious change came over Subaru's face. Once, he might have become a nervous wreck, hearing her name like that. But in the years that had passed—years that had seen him shed his boyish form for another, more mature beauty—the name had come to bother him less and less.

"That…that would be different," Subaru protested weakly, his mind already processing this possibility and destroying his arguments.

He'd been trying, unsuccessfully, to dissuade Seishirou from leaving him—for an entire week—for the most mundane of reasons: a new idea, that some person had, to gather together all the great healers of the land together to share their knowledge with each other. This news of this new thing—this blood exchange—had only just reached them, and Seishirou found himself intrigued by it, by the logical beauty of the solution.

And yet, Subaru was having a harder time letting him go than he should have. They had been parted so rarely though the last years, and Subaru was always miserable when it happened.

Seishirou sighed, that sigh Subaru knew so well. "Why?" he said finally. He smiled inwardly. After all these years, hadn't he learned that it was impossible to try and understand Subaru? And yet, though the boy offered explanations—stuttering and halting as they might be—instantly, Seishirou had not yet learned to simply _ask_.

"The blood is…it's…" Ah, the familiar search for words. "…it's _yours_, Seishirou. It's so…so personal."

"Ah." Seishirou really did smile, this time. So that was the root. "Do you mean it is too intimate an exchange?" Subaru nodded. An evil thought rose in Seishirou's mind; evil and playful. He leaned close, to whisper the words he knew Subaru would blush over. "And yet, you and I share something far more precious than blood every night."

Subaru choked, and the faintest pink tinged his cheeks. "_That_ is completely different!" he yelped. He spoke his thoughts without thinking. "I wouldn't want anyone else to get…that…from you. And I don't want…to give…" He suddenly realized what he was saying, and clamped his mouth shut.

"I understand," Seishirou said, watching his mortified lover cringe. "Don't be embarrassed, Subaru, my dearest."

The affectionate term still seemed alien to his tongue. He had never even returned it to his mother. He spoke it only rarely, and always in private, and yet…the way Subaru reacted was rather exquisite. It was always a little different: a warm smile, a brightness in his eyes, and even, once, he had…

The thought sent a warm shudder through him.

"You know, they…" A hazy memory flashed in Seishirou's mind; a long-ago conversation about things he'd never dreamed he would need. "Long, long ago, there was a ritual in my family. A ritual of blood exchange…" He furrowed his brow. It was coming back to him, and with it, he began to recall a strange interest the idea had pricked in him, a little obsession he'd long forgotten. "Something you might better approve of. It was …"

Subaru moved close to him, awkwardly claiming a place on his lap. He'd grown taller, finally, making the fit tighter, but still manageable. He slid an arm around Seishirou's neck and looked at the taller man curiously.

"Such a foolish story," Seishirou said softly, shaking his head. "There was a man, an ancient ancestor of mine who was also a healer. And a girl, an outsider, who fell madly in love with him. She…" Seishirou paused, his eyes intent on some non-existent figure in the distance. "She was so angry at him, and cursed him for his lack of emotions."

Subaru smiled, barely hiding a laugh.

Seishirou gave him a look, then shook his head. "Such a thing," he said in mock seriousness, "was a frequent problem in my family."

"I would never guess," Subaru whispered.

"She begged, and wept, hurled curses and sweet words, but he would not acknowledge her. She resolved to gain his attention, any way she could," Seishirou continued, serious again. "Our family crest—you have seen it, have you not?"

Subaru nodded. The black star, turned upon its head—exactly the opposite of his family's white star.

"We used it far more, back then. Everything we owned—every little thing in the manor to every piece of cattle—held the mark somewhere."

Seishirou stopped. He picked up Subaru's hand, staring at it, and kissed the back.

Subaru mirrored the gesture, not understanding or liking the sudden darkness he saw in his love's eyes. "Go on," he said. "Only if you want to," he added after a moment of thought.

"She wanted to make him prove that he felt nothing. So she…" Again, that dark look. He squeezed Subaru's hand unconsciously. "She forced him to watch as she took a knife and…carved the crest into her own hands."

Absently, Seishirou's fingers smoothed over Subaru's hand.

"She cried out in pain, but didn't stop. And finally, he begged her to stop. He wept for her, and kissed her bloody wounds, and she only smiled, for she knew…"

"He really did love her?" Subaru asked, a hint of a question in his voice.

"He took the knife to his own hands, but the first strike had barely fallen before she stopped him. She kissed him, and tasted his blood… He could do nothing about the scars, but she was proud of them. Signs of their love, she called them. And they say the two were never parted until death." Seishirou blinked, as if startled from some spell. "They called it the 'blood-binding,' the 'true-marriage,' and it was unbreakable, a scared vow."

He smiled, distantly. "Few have been bold enough to invoke it. And that number has dwindled with the family. Mother found it distasteful, the barbarous practice of an uncivilized era." Seishirou shrugged. "There were so many rules, so many rituals. And so it ended as it began—the desperate attempt of an outsider to win a Sakurazuka's love."

"The Sumeragis only wear rings," Subaru whispered with self-depreciating humor.

When Subaru started to get up, he grabbed the younger man's wrist. "I remember when she told me that," he said, putting his other hand to his temple. "I remember…how I dreamed of it when I was young…"

Subaru looked at him, confused. "Dreamed of it?" he echoed.

"I don't know why," Seishirou said. "Dark dreams. Sweet dreams." He squeezed Subaru's hand close. "I used to dream that someone was with me, someone whose hands were dripping red, just like in the story. And I thought they were beautiful, even though it looked so painful. I wanted to touch them. I wanted…to know how it felt, to take that knife and…"

Subaru pulled Seishirou's face against his chest. "I understand," he whispered.

He blinked away the images in his mind, images of Seishirou's sweet torment. The dark and desperate dreams, full of a passion he could not explain or contain. Sweet, sweet dreams, buried in the night's darkness, of a shadowy figure, red-stained hands of dripping the sweet, hot blood he longed to taste. Confusing dreams, where he so wanted, so yearned for, the cold blade of a knife against his own flesh…!

"I don't understand," Seishirou said softly. "I…I craved such violence, such vulgar, barbaric things." He looked up at Subaru. "These things have nothing to do with love…" The confusion in his voice was addictive, so perfectly mixed with pain and a hint of begging. "Even I understand that this mutilation has nothing to do with love," he hissed. "But, still, I…" He kissed at Subaru's hand, so slowly, so reverently. "I find it beautiful."

"Love makes things beautiful," Subaru said, feeling rather stunned. "Even terrible things." He hadn't even heard Seishirou say that word since that night, so long ago, when he confessed his desire to someday understand love, and feel love.

It had seemed so foolish, back then, to say what he really thought.

…for Subaru to admit that he was so certain, so very certain, that Seishirou already loved him, had always loved him, even if he couldn't see it…

"Love confuses things, and makes them impossible to understand," Seishirou replied. "Don't you understand, Subaru? I want to hurt you." He squeezed Subaru's hand roughly to prove his point. "I want to make you bleed, and I want to mark you, so that every time I see your hands, I…"

Seishirou looked sick, so pale and breathing in short, ragged little gasps. But his eyes were so intense, so full of fire.

"It is not love," he said again. Weakly, he pressed against Subaru, pushing his face against the boy's waist, moving one arm around him. Subaru reached over to cradle him in an embrace.

He hadn't even thought about what Seishirou wanted. Selfish as always. Always thinking that everything was alright, until times like these came along, and he realized how much Seishirou was hiding from him.

Maybe Seishirou was right, and they were only playing at real love.

"I think I understand it now," Seishirou said, and Subaru dropped one hand to his cheek, the other to his hair, the way he knew Seishirou loved to be touched, loved to be comforted. "Slowly…through these countless days and nights…I was able to question you, and watch you, and feel you, until I piece it together, this _love_ that makes you so happy, and so sad." He paused. "And I found nothing but contradictions."

Subaru couldn't help but smile, though it was tainted with a bit of guilt. Smile at how logically and precisely Seishirou made his discovery, how seriously he explained it, how clinically. And guilt at the realization that he'd never noticed, that he'd shoved it to the back of his mind, that declaration that Seishirou wanted to understand love.

Deep in his mind…he hadn't believed it.

Because he'd already known what Seishirou hadn't. He'd already known how deeply they loved each other, and merely hearing the words had been enough. Seishirou would realize that, someday—that there was nothing to search for, that all he needed to do was accept the feelings he already had inside him.

Selfish. So selfish…

"Gentle touches are wonderful, and yet a certain roughness can be just as powerful," Seishirou whispered. "When I agree with your ideas, however foolish, you are so happy, and yet, sometimes, it seems as if you _want_ to be the wrong one."

Subaru blushed, and felt another stab of guilt. Seishirou really had been paying close attention to him.

"This love is senseless, unreasonable, with no rules or boundaries," Seishirou said coldly, each word pounded in. "No rules, but, perhaps one…"

"What?" Subaru asked when the silence began to become uncomfortable.

"To do every possible thing to please another."

Subaru's hands stilled, and he felt… He couldn't quite explain it. Shock, mixed with pleasure, mixed with guilt.

"I've tried to follow that rule. Such a simple rule…"

Subaru almost didn't hear his next words, muttered under his breath, more out of annoyance than anger.

"And yet you seem no happier."

"What…?" Subaru's voice was higher than usual. "What are you talking about!" He wanted to swat Seishirou over the head for saying such an incredibly stupid thing. "I've never been more happy, Sei," he said softly, stroking at the sensitive spot on Seishirou's back that him nearly purr in pleasure.

Seishirou leaned up and kissed him, leaving Subaru in a sweet daze of pleasure, until he'd barely noticed Seishirou was already getting up, already leaving him.

He clumsily grabbed for Seishirou's wrist and missed. "Wait!" he cried out. "Tell me what you're talking about, Sei!"

He chased after him, all the way to the bedroom, where Seishirou was rather haphazardly throwing clothes in his bag. He grabbed Seishirou's hand, and held it tight, forcing the older man to stop, and, briefly, give him a wilting look. "I'm still leaving, Subaru," he said, staring rather profoundly into the depths of his bag.

"I don't care about that," Subaru said, "right now," he amended quickly. "You…you don't think I'm happy, Sei?"

"Happier…" Seishirou muttered.

"What?"

"I don't think you're any happier," Seishirou said with an air of resignation.

"Why do I need to be…happier?" Subaru narrowed his eyes. "Isn't it enough the way things are now?"

"You cry in your sleep," Seishirou said softly, without looking up. "And we fight over the most foolish and miniscule of things."

"I cry?" Subaru echoed.

"Sometimes," Seishirou said. His hands clutched the bag, ever so slightly. "I can't stop you."

"I can't control what I do when I sleep," Subaru argued, though he kept his voice low. The thought disturbed him a little. He couldn't remember any nightmares, or even any sad dreams. All he knew was that he went to sleep in Seishirou's arms, often quite happily, and awoke the same.

"But you can when you're awake."

Subaru sighed. "Any people who have been together as long as we have are going to fight," he said in frustration. "We can't agree on everything, not when we're so different." He chuckled a little. "At least we're not trying to kill each other." He tried to smile sincerely. "Anything else worrying you, Sei?"

"I still desire to hurt you." Seishirou laughed bitterly. "Explain that, Subaru. Tell me why I want to make you scream, and bleed, just to see that you…"

"That I belong to you?" Subaru finished. "That worries me the least of the three." He grabbed Seishirou from behind, buried his face in the older man's hair affectionately. "You're just being possessive." He leaned to whisper, not a little seductively, "I think it's cute."

"You're deranged," Seishirou muttered. "I want to tear your flesh to shreds," he said coldly, "and you think it's cute."

Subaru gulped back a bit of shock at Seishirou's blunt words. "You don't really want that," he said. "Not the blood and the scars."

"I want—"

Subaru cut him off. "You wouldn't be beating yourself up over this is all you wanted was to hurt me. You wouldn't be begging to explain why you want it so badly, even though you can't stand the idea."

"I am _not_ begging."

"You wouldn't hurt me," Subaru said confidently. "You…you love me too much." His voice quivered. "You love this selfish, useless little boy so much…so much more than I could ever love you back."

"Don't say that," Seishirou whispered. He tried to turn, but Subaru's weight against his back left him hanging in an awkward sort of crouch. "I can't even understand what love is…"

"You understand better than me!" Subaru cried out. "All the things you've done to make me happy, and I never even noticed…"

"They were inferior actions," Seishirou said. "Just shadows of true love I could never grasp."

"Shut up!" Subaru was half-sobbing, half-screaming.

Seishirou did indeed fall silent. Subaru let out another sob or two, finally managing to compose himself.

"You need…to finish packing…" he said, his voice raw. He couldn't bring himself to argue again, to beg Seishirou to stay. No…now, the distance might be a good thing, if they were only going to fight.

He couldn't bear to say the words running through his mind.

"I'll…make something to eat," he mumbled, searching for a way out, a way to get away from the stifling smallness of the room.

He wiped roughly at his eyes, splashing his face with chilled water. Love was never easy, he knew that. They were bound to fight, and to disagree, and to have times when they almost hated each other.

And he knew Seishirou loved him, and that he loved Seishirou…didn't they?

Through everything, he'd clung to that one thought, and it was his one hope, whenever they fought, whenever they were apart.

He was so lost in his thoughts he'd barely noticed the position he was in, food left on the table, and a small knife clutched in his fingers.

That was, until Seishirou grabbed his hand, startlingly him so much he almost dropped the blade to the ground.

"It was too quiet," Seishirou said, hid grip tightening. "I thought you might…" His breaths came roughly.

"Do you want me to?" Subaru whispered, amazed at the challenge in his own voice. "Would that settle things?" If he wasn't selfish, for once, and gave Seishirou what he wanted…?

"Yes…no…" Seishirou pulled away, looked at the ground.

Subaru took a deep breath, and closed his eyes. So selfish. Not really love at all… He raised his hand, for once, his mind completely clear…

Seishirou grabbed Subaru, slammed him against the able, the blade flying dangerously free, clattering to the floor with smashed plates and raw food.

"Don't." Seishirou's voice was so cold, so commanding.

"I'm not scared to do it, Sei," Subaru gasped, the wind knocked out of him, his body throbbing in pain. "Let me be selfish, Sei. Let me make you happy, for once."

"This love is…selfless, is it not?" Seishirou asked.

Subaru nodded. "True love is always selfless, and unconditional."

Seishirou seemed to ponder the thought for a moment. "It is not love, to do this," he said finally. "And I….I do…" He broke off, mid-sentence. He squeezed Subaru's hand, kissed it, dragged it up against his racing heart. "Is this fear?" he wondered out loud. "I am…afraid for you, Subaru."

Subaru watched him, the momentary madness subsiding, and felt a thrill in his heart. Seishirou was afraid for him, strong Seishirou…afraid of him being hurt. Seishirou cared that much for him.

"Swear you will not do anything." Subaru nodded, perhaps too quickly. Seishirou looked at him, studying him, for a moment. "This is something new I must consider. A few days away will be useful."

Subaru nodded again, never more grateful to be alone, alone with his thoughts, with his love that…that even he could no longer understand.

* * *

There was a faint ache in Subaru's heart.

One that he couldn't assuage, no matter what he did.

He wrote a letter to Kyouto. She'd written to him, weeks ago, it seemed, and he'd almost forgotten.

She wanted to visit him, and told him so proudly that her papa had told her that, in another year or two, he would let her come over all by herself. She told Subaru how much she missed him, and even mentioned her desire to see "the man who talked so funny."

Subaru laughed, for the first time in days. Only Seishirou could get into a debate on the merits of love with a seven-year-old.

Ah, that reminded him, Kyouto's birthday was coming soon. She'd be eleven years old. He planned to give her many gifts, taking advantage of his inability to see her by spoiling her rotten.

Ten years…ten years he'd been with Seishirou, since the winter when Kyouto was born.

He buried the thought. The pain was still to close for him to try and understand.

Putting the letter aside, he stretched out his legs, sitting on a lonely bed. Lonely without Seishirou…

He looked, instead, at the small dolls Kyouto had sent him. Little Hokuto, with the green-button eyes, that Kyouto had given him when they first met. A Subaru doll she'd made for him, almost identical. A doll of her Papa, standing tall, to celebrate the day he'd finally been able to take a few faltering steps without any help and sweep up his beloved daughter in his arms. And, sitting in her Papa-doll's arms, a replica of Kyouto herself, smiling so brightly.

Even…even a small Seishirou, made after meeting him only once, carefully set up next to the Subaru-doll, smiling that unfathomable smile he could never understand how Kyouto, a girl so young, could replicate with bits of yarn.

Kyouto was so smart for her age, having inherited her parents' uncanny ability to understand people.

And yet, she was still a child, Subaru reflected, remembering the shy note at the very end of her letter, an account of a boy who had given her a flower, and then ran away, blushing. She didn't understand why he wouldn't stay and play with her, or why her Papa had suddenly grabbed her up in a hug, as if he were scared to let her go.

Subaru looked at the pictures of her, Seishirou's beautiful Mother, finally restored to the walls, when her son could finally look at them without the remnants of a guilty madness, and whisper the sweet name she had once called him—_dearest Seishirou, my dearest and only beloved son_—to the one person he had come to love. She had Seishirou's smile.

He pulled his legs up, and laid his head against them, unaccountably sad and happy at the same time.

He wanted Seishirou to come back, and it had only been one day.

* * *

Finally, Subaru sat down, one twilight dusk, a day before he knew Seishirou was returning. All he duties were done, all the patients attended to, and there was nothing left but him and his thoughts.

All this had happened because Seishirou wanted to cheer him up, and end that stupid fight over the blood and the markings.

Why was it so hard when they were together?

Alone, yes, he could understand. Seishirou's possessiveness made the idea seem appealing, and his violent streak made it a very real possibility.

But he couldn't bear to hurt Subaru, no matter how much the idea appealed to him.

Subaru cursed. The emotions made it all so clumsy, so crazed. Maybe Seishirou had been right. Maybe the emotions only made things worse.

Maybe their love was destined to be like this from the start.

Periods of peace, of happiness, and then, the inevitable blow up, where they'd come so close to destroying each other…

…and not even care…

They were so unlike each other, so completely opposite, so different that it…it might be impossible for them to ever…

Subaru buried his face in his hands. Too terrible to think that. Instead, he thought of the warmth, the sweet times of being in Seishirou's arms, so wonderfully and totally complete it made his heart ache with loneliness.

Without Seishirou, he would have died.

And with Seishirou, he sometimes hurt so much he wished he were dead. With Seishirou, he sometimes felt so utterly wonderful he thought he would die, or that he must be dead already, for surely such joy couldn't exist in his simple life.

He wanted to cry in sheer frustration. It wasn't fair, to dangle such wonderful things before him, and make him suffer so much for them!

His legs were trembling as he made his way to bed. Another day, and Seishirou would be back, and it would all start again. Another day of this terrible emptiness in his heart.

Another loveless day of waiting…

He knew Seishirou was right, all along. Love was a sort of madness that made everything stop making sense.

Because, despite everything, he still loved Seishirou.

Loved him so much he would do anything for him. Loved him so selfishly he would never let him go. Loved him and loved him and wanted him back at his side so badly it made him wonder if his heart could really break, just from the sheer _wanting_.

Another day, but it seemed like eternity.

* * *

He was late.

Subaru was worried. He might expect Seishirou to be early—in fact, he'd half-expected that the man would arrive in the middle of the night and he'd wake up in Seishirou's embrace that morning—but not late.

Finally, he'd turned in to sleep again, feeling rather bitter as he wrapped the cold sheets around his body.

No sooner had he closed his eyes then he heard a low laughter, felt a pair of warm arms embrace him.

He wanted to hit Seishirou, he really did.

"I thought you'd stay awake all night," the older man laughed in his ear. "I was going to go up there and grab you and drag you off to bed."

Seishirou's hands trembled. So cold… "Get in here," Subaru murmured, pulling the blankets back. "You're freezing."

"Of course." Seishirou kissed him on the cheek, just next to his mouth. "I missed you."

"Me too." Subaru wasted no time in planting a multitude of kisses on Seishirou's face, his mouth, his neck.

His hands were still trembling, his voice unsteady, but Seishirou eagerly touched Subaru, eagerly kissed him and warmed him.

Subaru thought, randomly, that the older man seemed nervous. He was trying to hide it, but Subaru noticed it in his touches, his voice. But, for the moment, he said nothing, too much full of wanting and desire to wonder at his lover's actions.

Only when Seishirou began to fumble in the darkness, rather roughly groping him, did he finally managed to ask, "Why are you so nervous, tonight? You can't have forgotten that much in a few days away."

Seishirou laughed at the gentle teasing. "Don't worry," he whispered, and his caresses grew stronger. "It's a problem of the morning, not right now."

Subaru relaxed as Seishirou knowingly touched him, made him feel a fire in his veins. A problem of the morning…that was enough of an explanation for him, for now.

The bliss of his body quieted his mind, and his worries. It was very hard to think about anything else when Seishirou was doing this to him.

It was always so wonderful…to be together with him like this.

To cling together so closely he forget where he began and Seishirou ended, forgot the walls of flesh and emotions that kept them locked in their endless rejection of each other, forgot that they were anything but two souls, so entwined together, in such pleasure, that they could never be untangled.

His name sounded so sweet on Seishirou's lust-heavy voice.

Why couldn't it always be like this, he wondered. They never fought like this, skin delicious against skin in the cool sheets. They never fought, never questioned, never wondered if what they were _feeling_ was anything but wonderful.

It frightened him to think of the days when…when this no longer mattered. When they were old, and could not remember these days any more, and had nothing but love between them.

Seishirou squeezed his hands, nipped his neck, made him weep so sweetly with each motion…

This sweetness had brought him back from despair, driven away the icy deadness of his soul, warmed and embraced him so utterly, so consuming.

"Love you," Subaru whispered, between gasping breaths and shuddering moans of pleasure. "So much, Sei…"

Seishirou kissed him silently, roughly, until even his choked cries of climax were quieted in the darkness of the night.

Subaru felt wonderfully at peace, his skin overly warm and his body deliciously exhausted. He laid his head on Seishirou's chest, listening to the quick, powerful beats of his heart. "As pleasant as that was," he whispered without lifting his head, "I still want to know why you're so nervous."

Seishirou didn't stir. Subaru waited a moment, then pushed himself up, resting his weight on his arms. He leaned close to Seishirou's ear. "I know you're not asleep," he said pointedly. Seishirou still didn't stir. "It's your own fault. I can feel your heart thumping so loudly in my ear."

"Wait until morning," Seishirou said finally, without opening his eyes.

"Wouldn't it be better to tell me now?" Subaru whispered, his curiosity piqued. "You'd sleep better."

Seishirou chuckled. "Is that a threat?"

"It could be," Subaru replied mischievously, though he'd meant nothing even remotely like that.

"I've thought about it," Seishirou said softly. He pulled Subaru close to him and kissed his hair, leaving the boy against his chest again.

"And…?" Subaru didn't even need to ask what "it" was. He steeled himself for the worst.

"I may have made a faulty conclusion."

"Huh?" Subaru blinked in the darkness.

"This love….is not a contradiction, but a paradox," Seishirou continued, so clinical, so cold.

"…and?" Subaru dared after a moment of silence.

"And that's it," Seishirou said, a hint of a laugh in his voice. "A paradox is—"

"I know what a paradox is," Subaru snapped, annoyed. "Something that makes sense when you think about…" He trailed off. "Something that makes sense?"

Seishirou nodded. "Something that makes sense," he agreed.

"Would it be selfish to ask for more of an explanation?" His voice was unsteady, tipped with fear.

Seishirou kissed his head again. "It doesn't matter."

So simple, and yet it took such a weight off Subaru's heart.

"To love is to want to make another happy, and I want you to be happy," Seishirou said, stroking Subaru's hair in a way that calmed the boy, made him feel safe and unafraid. "But I want to please myself just as much…perhaps more."

Subaru's heart clenched. But he was selfish as well…so what could he say?

"Regardless of your wishes, or the pain you feel, I want to mark you, to possess you," Seishirou continued. "And this I want only to please myself. So, if love is purely selfless, I could not love you."

"Should I get the knife?" Subaru whispered, half-mocking, half-serious.

Seishirou shook his head slowly. "That love is not real," he said softly. "Because it can only lead to an impossible outcome. It has already been proven that I care for you, in such a foolish and contradictory way it must, indeed, be…"

Subaru pressed a finger over his lips. "Don't tell me like that," he whispered, an absurd rush of confidence in his veins.

"Yes," Seishirou whispered, his lips tickling Subaru's finger until he finally pulled it back. "Do you want to hear the rest of my conclusion?"

"Yes."

"So love is not purely selfless. This makes sense, however, when you consider that humans are, by nature, selfish and foolish creatures." Subaru could feel him smirk. Seishirou never had gotten over his superiority complex towards…well, just about everyone else on the planet. "They believe that love is selfless, but this is a faulty idea that only causes more pain and sorrow."

"Then what is love, Sei?"

"A mixture of complete selflessness…and utter selfishness," the older man said simply. "Each one keeping the other in check." He grabbed Subaru's hand. "So that, when I want to make you mine, I also remember not to hurt you." He chuckled. "Unless you want to be hurt…"

Subaru lightly smacked Seishirou's arm, then, after a moment, kissed it gently. "So you want me to be…selfish?" he whispered.

"Not if it makes you hurt," Seishirou replied, and Subaru winced. He hadn't meant to let his guilt show so openly. "But I want you to feel happy. I want you to tell me what you want, and not just try to please me." Another chuckle. "It makes it so much harder to please _you_, Subaru."

"It makes me happy to make you happy," Subaru said, a hint of a smile returning to his face.

"That is why this love still exists," Seishirou said, an uncharacteristic seriousness in his voice. "Because the selfishness and the selflessness coexist so completely, that even when you follow that faulty love, you cannot help but fulfill the true love." He wrapped Subaru up tightly, but comfortably. "I am happy when you are as well," he admitted. "Saddened when you are saddened. And undeniably pleasured when you are pleasured." He took a breath. "I will have to add that in. Mutual benefit countered by mutual damage."

Subaru muffled a laugh. Somehow, it wouldn't surprise him, if, hidden somewhere in the deep pockets of his jacket, Seishirou had written out a long and terribly formal paper, or at least notations, detailing his definition of love.

Whatever got the job done, he supposed.

Another thought struck his mind. "Surely this wasn't what you were nervous about?" he asked, the quietness of his voice masking his insistent question. The older man's silence was enough of an answer. "You're too good at distracting me," Subaru said, wanting to shake his head, but settling for a soft, ticklish breath against Seishirou's chest to punctuate his point.

"I have something for you," Seishirou said, and he shifted, leaning over the bed to grab a discarded piece of clothing. He grasped for a moment, finally turning back around to Subaru, who struggled to see through the darkness at the object in the older man's hand.

Seishirou put a finger to his lips. "I would tell you to close your eyes, but you can't see, anyway." He let out something suspiciously like a sigh. "Nor can I see you that well. That makes it harder to gauge your reaction…"

Subaru laughed, gently. "I'm sure you'll know if I like it, Sei."

"Give me your hands," Seishirou said. Subaru reached out in the darkness, hesitant at first, though he tried not to show it. All this…this foolishness about marking…and blood…was going to his head.

Seishirou lightly caught hold of his fingertips, astounding gentle. Subaru did close his eyes, instinctive and comforting, leaving himself in darkness, hands held out to face whatever Seishirou had in mind.

It took a moment to recognize sensation. Seishirou gently pulled his fingers apart, splaying his hand out, letting it hand anxiously for a moment before a sudden coldness enveloped his finger.

Subaru jerked his hand back without thinking, drawing the offended hand into the other and…

It was hard to say which realization came first. That the coldness was the chill of winter on a piece of metal. That the item now on his finger was round, and smooth. That the very top of the item was hard and a little prickly, but, if he dragged his other finger around those little hard little bits of something that felt like rock, he could feel the shape of a star, wrapped in a circle.

Or perhaps that he was, suddenly and certainly, wearing a new ring upon his finger.

Seishirou took his other hand, limp in Subaru's shocked reverie, and it met the same fate. "This is not…" Seishirou started to say, to whisper. "This is not such madness as the blood-binding, but it gives me enough satisfaction to see you marked as mine this way."

Subaru swallowed a little, suddenly so utterly happy he couldn't find his voice.

"Have I done wrong?" Seishirou asked, and Subaru could hear the nervousness in his voice. "I thought you would prefer your own clan's methods of marriage."

"It's…perfect," Subaru whispered, still stunned. He clenched his hands together, suddenly so aware of the metal adorning both of his fingers, the symbol of Seishirou's clan set in some jewels upon the ring. "You're so perfect, Seishirou." He took a deep breath, suddenly starting to feel a little sick. "You…you were listening to me…and you did this…" Seishirou's hand caressed his face, and he pulled away, his chest suddenly aching. "And I…I…" He hiccupped. "What have I ever done for you?"

"Subaru…"

Subaru cut him off. "My love…it can't…it…I'm so _selfish_, Sei! I'm not selfless at all."

It was overwhelming, the utter happiness and the utter agony Subaru felt welling up in his gut.

"I never listen to you like that," Subaru went on. "I couldn't even remember…I…"

Seishirou grabbed him up, and he melted, ashamed, into Seishirou's welcome embrace. Seishirou kissed his head. "Subaru," Seishirou whispered, so affectionate.

"No…You know I'm right, Sei…" Subaru protested weakly.

"Tell me what happened the day before I left."

"What?" Subaru asked, surprised. "The day we were fighting?"

Seishirou shook his head. "No, before that. The day we had the surgery."

Subaru sniffled. "You were doing the surgery all day," he said softly. "So I took care of the patients while I waited for you."

"Remind me of how you took care of them, Subaru."

Subaru paused for a moment. "Um…well…I had to keep that baby quiet, the one who had the coughing and the pain in her chest, so she wouldn't wake the other patients, so I got up before you did and brought her over to the kitchen while I made breakfast. And I had to change the bandages of the man who'd been burned, slowly and carefully, just like you showed me. I had to prepare the medicines, and I almost burnt my fingers again. I…" Subaru trailed off. "I did what we always do, Sei."

"Mmm," Seishirou agreed, a soft rumble that Subaru could feel. "And afterwards, when I finally finished the surgery?"

"It was already late," Subaru said. "I'd been trying to keep the food warm, but I couldn't." He sniffled again. "It was ruined."

"But I still had a wonderful meal that night."

"I had to cook it all over again." Subaru shook his head and started to pull away. "I wanted to make your favorite. I wanted you to have something wonderful when you finally finished all your hard work. But I…" Subaru buried his face in his hands. "I couldn't even stay awake!"

"Do you know what I saw?" Seishirou whispered softly. "My adorable little Subaru, so completely exhausted from doing so much, laying there on the dinner table, crying in his sleep, waiting all night for a man who couldn't even start to give him what he wanted."

"Sei…?" Subaru whispered, startled to feel a soft wetness on Seishirou's face when he reached out, blindly, to him.

"You are no happier," Seishirou said. "Though you are far more selfless than I." Subaru felt his muscles clench, felt the hot tears. "I can do nothing but bring these useless trinkets, and seduce you to my bed. But you give so much to everyone." He almost barked, "And you think _you're_ the selfish one!"

Subaru leaned forward, tentative, barely brushing their lips together. They moved, without thinking, until Subaru found himself pinned against the bed, Seishirou leaning over him, their kisses deep and fervent, but tinged with a sadness that kept their passion in check.

"I hate this," Subaru whispered finally, trying to catch a breath. "We should be happy."

Seishirou leaned to kiss him again, briefly. "I am…happy," he whispered.

"So am I," Subaru said.

Seishirou kissed him again. "Then why is it like this?" he asked.

"I don't know," Subaru admitted. "I've never loved anyone before."

Seishirou smiled against Subaru's neck, resting his head. "Nor have I," he added unnecessarily. They lapsed into a comfortable silence.

"These rings are beautiful," Subaru whispered with a sigh. Then he laughed, all the dark thoughts melting away. "This isn't right," he said, still laughing. "I'm supposed to be putting a ring on you too, Sei."

"What?"

Seishirou sounded adorably confused. "I give you a ring, and you give me a ring." Subaru grabbed one of Seishirou's hands. "I mean, I get to mark you too." He laughed again. "We belong to each other."

"I…did not know this," Seishirou said, and his seriousness made Subaru laugh again, until Seishirou finally began to laugh with him.

The laughter died down, finally, replaced with a fun sort of breathless wheezing. Subaru wrapped his arms around Seishirou's shoulders, the man still lying against his neck, the way Seishirou so often held him. "You…really think I'm selfless, Sei?"

"Yes." Seishirou chuckled softly. "Though you're sometimes very…demanding."

Subaru made a soft, semi-offended noise of indignation. "Like you aren't," he shot back gently. Then, more seriously, "And you really are happy? With me?"

"Yes."

So simple. Too simple, Subaru thought, longing to ask why, how.

He yawned, suddenly so tired, the emotion and adrenaline staring to wear off. It was too late to ask why.

"Sei?" he asked quietly. "Let me see your hand." Subaru fumbled to get the ring off his right hand. Maybe, just maybe…

It was hard to move with Seishirou lying against him, the man's broader shoulders and weight forcing him to wriggle a bit. He took Seishirou's left hand clumsily in his, feeling in the darkness for his fingers.

He couldn't suppress a smile when he finally got the ring to fit, just barely, around Seishirou's pinky. The man's hands were so much larger than his own, it was a wonder the ring fit any finger.

Seishirou's hand suddenly closed around his own, and for a moment, smooth metal scraped against metal.

…_why_…?

Why such simple, consuming bliss, in that tiny moment?

Why such contentment, to lie there, skin against skin, warm in the chilly darkness of night, together?

Why, when he knew it never lasted?

Why, why, why, why…

"Go to sleep, Subaru," he heard Seishirou murmur faintly. A familiar tapping on his chest. "Your heart is thumping so loud in my ear…"

"Is it?" Subaru started to move, forcing Seishirou to roll off him a little. He pushed himself down, leaving them face-to-face, close enough to taste each other's breath, or gently dart out a tongue to lick the other's lips.

Seishirou whispered, "Dearest," before his breaths began to even out, and he was asleep, innocent and carefree as a child.

This was bliss, this moment, after all the pain, and all they times they fought.

Their unfathomable, inexplicable, wonderful and terrible love.

Subaru leaned his hand over, smoothing along Seishirou's cheek, his shoulder, and then back to his wonderful fingers.

Why, Subaru's mind whispered again.

But in his heart, he already knew the answer.

* * *

Author's notes: Was that a cheap ending? Oh well, I like it.

Hmmm, I have so many things to say…

As I read over these chapters again, I only realize how many things I completely forgot to write. Setsuka's fondness for "dearest" escaped my attention in the last chapter. Even worse, perhaps, I never got around to Seishirou's eye. I went to all the work of foreshadowing the fact that his left eye is going blind back in…hmm, part 7, I think, where Subaru is staring at him in the house and he can't see Subaru until he turns and looks at him with the other eye…And Seishirou was going to have really cute glasses. But what does that matter now? Eh, write it off as a fluke. Or the darkness of the house.

This "epilogue" got out of control. It's probably the longest chapter, and so many parts are just…too long, but I couldn't cut them.

Aiyiyi, in retrospect…what can I say? This is the first long story I've actually finished, and I hope you liked it. It might have been over-dramatic at times (although, you know, you can assume that all those big chunks of time I skipped were more-or-less peaceful) and I'm sure there were moments that were out of character (although, arguably, these aren't really the same characters from X, so there's no character for them to adhere to)…

But, it has a happy ending. Seishirou's not dead, as I originally planned him to be. But he never actually gets around to saying those oh-so-important words. And Subaru is still rather depressed and full of questions. And yet, for the life of me, I cannot think of another ending, one more profound. Maybe it's stupid of me to pose a question I never planned the answer to, but…

Damn, my notes are always so long and boring…


End file.
